Back to life, back to reality?

[AliSuddenly]

Dont apologise! It goes in waves for us all I think...

So phew, at least he didnt say anything! Yes, that is wierd and how frustrating in a way, that he made you watch THREE DVDs !? I would have been chewing on the box and feeling like I had hot pins in me. So.. if he wants you to stay away from the house 3 nights this week, which nights are you going to do that? Things improve astrologically later in teh week and after the last day or two, if I were you .. I would clear off straight away, say Tuesday and Wednesday night and come back on Thursday..then you've done 2 out of the 3 straight off and see how he likes them apples!

I know you want to be in the house, but he may need to feel the loss of you in order to appreciate you? Its like a necessary process for him?

Ali xxx

[istherehope]

So he brought it up in bed and said he thinks he wants a divorce, that he wants our marriage to end, and he was being so horrible. I did not react in DB terms, but now I just don't know if there is even a chance anyway. I kept saying that I just wanted the door to be open for 3 months, and wouldn't he like to be happy with me.

He even said he didn't like having sex with me anymore as he didn't feel close to me. He said so many horrible things, and I have just given up even trying to DB at this point and I have been sobbing and I don't know what to do.

I feel so trapped, and he kept saying that I could just find someone better. I got so mad and said that he had no right to say that to me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have no idea what I should do. Then he said he wouldn't even know how to go about filing a divorce, and that he wouldn't want to do anything we weren't in agreement with, and I said that I wasn't in agreement with a divorce.

I am so devastated. I am so confused.

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time right now. Just try to remember that they all say the same things from time to time. Just a few hours before things seemed to be going fine. Are you sure this won't just blow over in a day or two? What did he say when you said you were not in agreement?

The fact is that he has not filed for a divorce, has not talked to a lawyer, and is not wanting to upset you by doing something that you do not agree with.

You have a long ways to go if this is going to work but you have to stop acting like it is the end of the world everytime he says negative things about the marriage. Try to take it in stride.

Try to get some sleep and then I would pack up your stuff and head to your friends house and stay there for a few days and let him be in his cave for awhile.

[Separated]

Daisy gave you fantastic advice ITH. I'm so sorry that he is acting like such an a^^ but it does not make it over yet either. There are many people on this board who have had their spouse file yet they still make it later on. There is always hope.

You definatly should go to your friends house for a day or two. Then you can cool down and resist getting over-emotional in front of him and let him have his space for a bit. I do think you should suggest that he stays with his friends on some nights also because it is unfair that you have to always be the uprooted from your home.

I hope you wake up feelin a bit better, you will make it through this. (((((((((((((ITH)))))))))))))))))))

[optimistwife]

I am so sorry that he is all over the place emotionally. But just remember that- he is all over the place! Good/bad, high/low, stay for a while, go now.

I don't know exactly what advice to give you except it sounds like for the short term you have to actually be separated again. It doesn't sound like being at home right now is a good thing for your relationship. His comments sound mean (and I've heard some of them too- even if they are jokes they hurt me just reading them, and make me hurt for you too).

Is there any way that you can live nearby long term while you work on things? I know they always stay to live together if possible, but if it keeps going like this... Maybe if you are nearby you can start dating slowly- it sounds like this step is lacking- you are trying to jump right from being gone to being back to married.

This would give you more allure and mystery, cause right now you are trying too hard! And you are driving him nuts! I'm sorry- but I've been there and done that... It didn't work for me either.

I hope you can get away from the situation tonight or tomorrow- cry and clear your head. You are in my thoughts! Stay strong! Cry all your weaknesses out and realize that you are going to get another chance tomorrow- I would bet money that he isn't going away overnight... no matter what he says.

There IS Hope!

[istherehope]

Thanks all,

This is the worst conversation that we have ever had, by far. He kept saying that I just needed to accept this. The only things that could have at all been construed as hopeful were when he said that I should look to transfer to the US as if we had any hope of things working it could only be there, but in his mind still there was really no hope. I see this mainly as him trying to get me away from him.

I said so much that I shouldn't have. I told him how vindictive he was acting, and how he didn't care about anyone but himself. I cried for about an hour, and I woke up crying again this morning. I don't understand how someone can be so cruel and cold. Whether he believes he loves me now or not, he says he thinks I am wonderful. I told him that he treated me worse than an enemy. He really does.

In terms of living apart, still not sure. Now he doesn't even want the trial living sitch, well at least last night he didn't. Tomorrow I will probably stay with a friend. I did tell him that this was very unfair on me as all of the finances are in my name and he said he'd be wiling to sign some sort of contract about the debt or whatever. This just made me mad.

Honestly though I am in a country that I don't want to be in trying to hang on to a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be with me, and paying for a house where he doesn't want to live with me til June. I am having a really hard time coping. Then the holidays are coming up too.

I am not sure whether this could blow over in a day or two. He said it's how he's been feeling for the last month. I am still crying this morning. He's in bed, and I feel sick to my stomach. I told him I wanted a day's break from talking about it though.

ITH

[istherehope]

So just a quick follow-up. It's like I haven't been able to get out of backslide mode.

This morning when H got up I apologized for last night, and said that I shouldn't have reacted the way that I did. This was probably fine. Then though I mentioned how last night he had said something about how things could only work out in the US. I mentioned this again, and he said that it didn't mean things could work out, only that they only could there. This is weird. He also said that he meant what he said last night. Then I said I wanted to be friends, and couldn't he at least remain open to this. The classic "I don't know" popped out.

So as if that weren't all enough, I sent him an email. It really wasn't that bad, but not sure if it was a good/bad move. I just said that I wanted him to be happy, and that I hoped we could be friends, and that I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. I told him that I think he's amazing, and that I am there if he wants to talk about anything. I also validated that the marriage dynamic had not been good for him, and that it must be hard to be in a position where he is questioning everything. The whole email was really about me understanding his needs. I even said that if our efforts failed, I wouldn't fight him on things.

Since then I've seen him on IM, and he sent me a link to a news story.

I am in such a weird place right now...I've asked my friend if i can stay there tomorrow and possibly the next night too. I'll probably come back Friday, but go out late or something.

I just need to consider what to do about my job and everything else right now, and this is making me panic.

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH,

I'm so sorry. Like I said, I see similiarities with my ex's behaviour.. how it didnt add up... and I wish I had twigged sooner that he had an ow in the back of his mind (although it was a year before they got together). The fact that your H is resolutely sticking to this, but that he does ML to you and enjoy your company.. makes me wonder quite honestly if there isnt someone in the background thats giving him the strength to stick to his plan and go through with this.

You did say that he was emailing someone who was 25??

I think you should definetly leave for a couple of days, he has said his peace and is in 'breaking away' mode right now.. looking at the sitches on this board, that doesnt mean it has to be over for good.. but all your efforts, IM's, emails and understanding have made no difference, he's like a speeding train right now.

It IS wierd abut the US thing.. again, does he feel it couild only work if he is far away from an OW where you are currently living, like for himself he feels he needs to make a fresh start?? I dont suggest you ask him, but then, I personally wish I had known sooner that there was an ow, as I wouldnt have gone through 10 agonising months of wondering what on earth I had done wrong and why he wastn working on the R.

I wouldnt say anymore right now, and I would go stay at your friends, but be open to talking, if he wants to when you get back on Friday. I also wouldnt think about work changes right now, you've had enough change and shock.. even take a few days off if you can, or just keep your head down. Decisions like that can come much later on. Everyone nagged me to make decisions about my house, my college, work, everything when he first left, but I knew I would need at least 6 mnths before I even begun to look at my options, neverlone make decisions, and this how it worked out in the end.

THinking of you ITH and I'm so sorry you are in this horrible place, I know how it feels,
Ali xxx

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks. In fact I asked last night if there is anyone else that he had feelings for, who gave him the feelings he didn't have with me, and he was resolute that there isn't. I do believe him, as since he wants to push me away so badly, I think he would tell me in an instant.

He now says that ML with me doesn't feel right anymore, so not sure if this will even be happening...

H hates Ireland, and feels really unhappy here. Too bad he can't see that this might be contributing to his unhappiness in general. I think this is the reason for the US thing. We'd originally talked about Portugal, but he says I probably couldn't find a job there, so that wouldn't work.

I will definitely not be saying anything else to H. I already made it clear that I don't want to talk tonight. I haven't told him that I am going to my friend's house tomorrow. I'd rather just leave early tomorrow and leave a note. Tonight I am going to plan to be out at around the time he gets home too. I may leave some dinner lying around, but with no note saying where I am or anything.

It just kills me that H thinks the only thing he is unhappy about is our marriage. We haven't even BEEN in a marriage for 3 months now. I even mentioned him not wearing the ring last night, and he said something so horrible to me like that should "give me a clue" about things.

I just really don't know now. I mean I know that the 2 weeks thing can still happen even if he doesn't want it to because he'd agreed and suggested it, but beyond that am not sure. I'm so frustrated because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he weren't actively pushing me away, we could have fun together. Now he won't even say that we can be friends. I truly don't know how one person can turn like this. It is mindblowing,

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

I agree, thats why the bomb is called the bomb. You have been in a limbo for 3 months, as I was august - October, not knowing what was going on, he said he wanted space, then he wasnt sure if we had a future together, then that he wanted a separation to think about it... and finally he ended it and said just as many mean things. It was awful. I ended up on the floor holding onto his ankles howling, really bad. So i understand how incomprehensible it was. My ex also INSISTED that there was noone else, mainly I think becuase he couldnt or didnt want to believe that this was why he was ending it, but that the issues were between us and then he had met someone else, which I think is true in most cases.

Anyway, after taht, and 3 months of little contact, the contact returned, slowly at first, to the point that we were spending all weekend together, althuogh at the bomb and after, I wouldnt have believed that. For me, I didnt win him back, bexuase the ow won him in the end, but maybe if there isnt one, or even if there is, I still think you dont know how things can change in some months from now, but right now, he clearly needs space.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I remember just how upsetting it was.

Ali xxx