Please don't feel that way, b/c a lot of women would just love for their H's to go shopping with them and to tell them what looks good on them, etc. You were trying to do the right thing in helping to build her self esteem and I think that is very considerate of you. The only reason I brought that up was b/c of what she had said about the brotherly friendship. This may not have had anything to do with that whatsoever, but we want to get away from anything the remotely resembles looking like "just a friend" to her or causing her to have only feelings of a friend toward you.
I'm pretty sure she does appreciate me telling her what looks good on her. I have not listened to the LL cd's yet, but I am sure " words of affirmation" is one of her main LL. Earlier this year (when we were already in this situation, but she was still at home), she would actually "model" the outfits for me when we got home. This was really hard for me, to tell her how good and HOT she looked and still keep my hands off of her!!! But I would just keep that urge inside. I might have slipped up once or twice and given her a hug, but that was it. Besides, the last time she has "modeled" for me was months ago. She lives in another house now since late June, so now when she comes over to pick up the boys and I think she looks good, I tell her. She usually just brushes it aside with a comment like: "I just have my dirty shirt or jeans on.", but then she usually gives me a tight hug. I know that inside she appreciates the comment though. I just know.
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...Like I said before, unfortunately when a woman loses that sexual attraction, it seems to be hard to regain it.
I think that even she herself is confused about her feelings not coming back. I get the feeling that she does want them to come back, but doesn't know how. Of course, she has never admitted that, it's just a feeling I get from her. We were always kind of "in sync" thoughtwise, almost like telepathy. Sometimes stuff happens that gives me chills. Like we're driving down the road in the car and we would be talking about where we are going and then I get a thought like wouldn't it be cool to go camping (or whatever, I am making something up here, but it would be TOTALLY unrelated to what we had been talking about) Then, out of the blue, she would make the comment out loud! Just really odd. I am a scientist, so I don't really believe in that kind of stuff, but that kind of stuff happening makes the hair on my arms stand up! I know all of this sounds really mushy right now, but it does happen!
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Glad you cleared that up and since you have told her that, then you don't need to repeat it since she has the feelings that she does. You may be tempted to, but try not to say it again or tell her that you love her, etc. I know it sounds the opposite of what you think you should be doing, but that is what is so crazy about all of it.
She started R talk that evening and then halfway through it I told her that. I literally have not told her that I love her in months (trying to remember when the last time was but can't) that was actually the main reason I said it. I did not want her to leave with the impression that I am slowly " losing" my feelings too.
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BTW, are you the "take charge" kind of man?
I don't see myself as one, but I do do pretty much all of the household finances (bills, checking accounts, taxes) and I am always the one organizing our vacations, booking the flights, making hotel reservations, etc... She just disusses the destination with me. She lets me do all the organizing because I am "good at it" she says. So I guess yes, I do take charge, just not in the classical sense, the "romance" dept I guess.
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You see there are two basic ways of going about this. become the "friend" and be there for the wife, "drop the rope" before they get their W's attention.
I guess I have been doing both. Would that be bad? I do drop the rope by turning her completely loose (esp since she moved out) and I do not contact her unless I need to (regarding the kids school arrangements or something). I do ask her how the shop is going when I see her or when she contacts me, like a "best friend" would, but otherwise I just stay out of it. She did mention to me the other day that I have not been to shop in 4 months and am I really interested in it? I don't know if it has been that long, but it has been a while, I know that. But that was one of her complaints about me during the ILYBNILWY talk, so now I am not sure of that is working against me or for me? Do you have an idea?
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If she asked, then I suppose that would be up to you and how you felt about it. You could always be too busy and too unavailable to her and it would cause her to see that she can't take you for granted. You take "brothers" for granted. Until she gets out of that frame of mind that you are like a brother to her.....then you may have to take drastic measures.
Since last year, she has not asked me to do anything at the shop. I get the feeling that she's trying to prove to herself (and to me) that she can take care of things and doesn't need me.
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That is good that you did that. I hope that they will not continue to talk to her b/c it will just make things worse for you in the long run.
Should I call them and ask them not to talk to her anymore about this? I was afraid that if I did that, that they would tell her that too Trying to interfere in her relationship with her parents. I do need to fill you in on that relationship though, but I am too tired now, will try to do that tomorrow.
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It is my belief that if a woman's emotional needs are being met that she can even deal with having the physical needs unmet--if she has to.
What do you mean with "if she has to"? Do you mean she could just live a platonic relationship?
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You do have the right concept of the detaching and "reeling them in" b/c they want what they can't have.
The only thing I am unclear of is when do you stop moving away from them when they come closer? When they are "all the way back" and in love or before that? In other words, when do you stop detaching? I was reading below and saw that you should actually never completely stop. I will have to give that some thought!
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As I said before, for some reason after we marry, we get too comfortable and we start letting down too much and begin to take each other for granted. That is when a lot of the romantic feelings wear off very quickly.
That is exactly my feeling about what has happened to us!
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I have told so many men to always come home and shower and put on some good smelling cologne b/c that has a senual affect on women.
I have tried that last weekend for the first time after I read your advice on another thread. Not to say that I never take showers! LOL I mean take one just before she comes and shave and put on some aftershave. She did not say anything about it, but who knows, maybe she did notice?
I want to thank you and express my deepest appreciation for what you are doing! I know it must take a lot of time to write these long posts to everybody here, but I am sure it saved many M's already!!
