I just want to kick in a little thought here...not much...
Perhaps what you should try to accept is that you just don't know what is going to happen with your R, not that it is absolutely over, not that it is on the way to reconcilliation.
I think that it is harder to accept that we are in a bit of limbo. It makes us feel weak and vulnerable.
I know a WAS will waver and circumstances will change over the next months, etc. It is hard keeping the door open to the possibility of reconciliation, it hurts. We just want to be over the pain of rejection.
I for one will give my W at least to the end of our seperation and the signing of Divorce papers, if she sends them. Who knows after that ? One day at a time for me.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I am totally accepting that I dont know..I will always have a small glimmer of home..but keep working towards surviving.
The communication right now is limited, if any. And, when we text, he said he will never put anything in writing again because I will use it against him. Thats my punishment for telling OW the truth.
I know he loves me. He is so filled with anger towards me. He really takes no responsibility for the affair. He actually blames it all on me for not being sexual enough.
He is so not ready to be done with his relationship with her. Yes, it hurts alot.
He will truely be the one to suffer in the end... giving up a loving wife and family.
I am totally accepting that I dont know..I will always have a small glimmer of home..but keep working towards surviving.
The communication right now is limited, if any. And, when we text, he said he will never put anything in writing again because I will use it against him. Thats my punishment for telling OW the truth.
I know he loves me. He is so filled with anger towards me. He really takes no responsibility for the affair. He actually blames it all on me for not being sexual enough.
He is so not ready to be done with his relationship with her. Yes, it hurts alot.
He will truely be the one to suffer in the end... giving up a loving wife and family.
Sandy--that's what they all say. Truly it is. They seem to believe that absolves them of all guilt--blaming the wife for not meeting his needs, so he just had to go and meet them elsewhere. Just part of the script, just part of the process. Just be aware it's not personal.
And you're right. He will be the one to suffer in the end. It may take a long time, but at some point he'll realize the mistake he made.
Of course, I'm talking to myself as well.
Last edited by hoosiermama; 10/17/0801:42 PM.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
In DB terms, you should be observing now to see if the course of action you chose brought you any closer to your goals or not.
If it did, continue.
If not, do something else.
So San, what are your goals ? Do you think this helped or hurt you to reach them ?
In my case, W just moved out yesterday. I was extreemly angry about the whole thing. Still am. I still cannot accept the betrayal of our vows (though there is no OM. If there was, I don't know how I would act).
She even implied (by her voice and tone, never by actual words) that she needed my help. I helped pack a bit the other night, but I had planned to work, so I could not drop everything to help her.
The night before, when she was packing up, things got so tense at one point, bc she is not interpreting things I say in the way I mean them, that I threatened to call the cops and have her removed. That felt good for a moment, but only created a very defensive, nasty response. Went upstairs for 15 min. and came back down, apoligised and we worked through the issue, and I did help her pack. (BTW, she will never forget that I threatened to call the cops, nor will she forgive me for saying it, if I know her.......unless the forgiveness fairy smites her on the head).
About noon the next day she calls and asks if she can transfer some $$$ to turn on gas, water, elec. She has already borrowed close to $4000 from her brother and mother, with no means of paying them back, much less paying her rent, utilities, etc.
I authorized her initial request of $100. She later tells me she transferred $300 and hopes it did not mess me up. ( could have, but I am actually making decent $$ again for now).
I had plans for that $$, and it wasn't to finance her 'freedom dream'. But I want her to see she needs me on some level, and that I can provide for her.
Anyway, mixed feelings, but I call later around supper time and invite her to go out to eat with D6 and I.
Although we have some $$ talks to work through, I think the small peace offering of dinner was appreciated, though she was in the middle of unpacking with the help of her M and D.
Whats the point? I have to decide if I want to slam the door closed as she walks out, or keep it cracked, so she can come back if she decides to.
Last edited by native; 10/18/0806:46 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I know my telling OW we have been flirting and intimate did me more harm than good..at least for now.
Hubby is so livid..says he cant trust me..he wont even talk. Said he wont put any feelings in writing ever again for fear I will use it against him. I did tell him.."Thats ok... I know how you feel..you have told me over and over"
My goals were to break them up...if he has feelings for both, I was hoping she would kick him to the curb and I would be the only one left to focus on.
Well it dodnt go that way..she didnt believe me (young and nieve)
My only hope is that I did plant that shadow of doubt and she will begin to be jealous and insecure.
I am stressed for today..We should have to see each other for soccer games. I can gaurantee he will not be friendly at all, which is hurtful due to one week ago I got the I love You and we ML and tender kissing.
He is supposed to move stuff this weekend, at least that is what he threatened.
I am supposed to close our joint checking... if he stopped his direct deposit for his paycheck. I dont want to if he has not..not sure how long it takes for a Company to go from direct deposit to actual checks. I dont want to mess with payday.
But he uses his debit card without any worries of what money is there. He overdrew the account again(2nd time this week) this time with taking her to dinner, liquor store, bar and groceries for her house.... pisses me off.
So... I am truely trying to accept his choice... but he is only cutting me out because I ratted him out..so ..is it his true choice?
My heart hurts over all this, tomorrow is 7 months to the day this has been going on.
I just am so scared to let go. He was the love of my life.
Like you, I guess I am deciding if the door is shut or slightly cracked.
In other places on this board they talk about 'dropping the rope'. You may want to read up on this concept which apparantly is in DR or DB.
Basically it is letting the WAS go, which is the opposite of what you are doing by trying to manipulate a situation to turn out in your favor.
To me, it sounds like an admission of powerlessnes, but I don't think it appears that way to the WAS. To them they feel like you are really taking them seriously and it may take this to wake them up.
As long as H knows you are trying to 'make' him come back, he will continue to behave as a naughty little boy and play in the mud.......
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
In other places on this board they talk about 'dropping the rope'. You may want to read up on this concept which apparantly is in DR or DB.
Basically it is letting the WAS go, which is the opposite of what you are doing by trying to manipulate a situation to turn out in your favor.
To me, it sounds like an admission of powerlessnes, but I don't think it appears that way to the WAS. To them they feel like you are really taking them seriously and it may take this to wake them up.
As long as H knows you are trying to 'make' him come back, he will continue to behave as a naughty little boy and play in the mud.......
Of course, easier said than done, but at some point (and I think I am at that point) must be done.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Hello, thanks for asking. I am still here. Just have not been posting. Nothing exciting or positive in my situation going on. Hubby talks very little to me now. His quote "you silenced me" I feel like he is punishing me.
I saw him for 1 1/2 hr yesterday for soccer. It was hard. He acts like nothing bothers him and it tears my heart apart.
Honestly I have hardly gone any amount of time recently without talking to him. My goal is to not talk this week... maybe it will help me let go. I am still at square one. I have been on here and reading for months and I should be farther along. It is humiliating.
Hello, thanks for asking. I am still here. Just have not been posting. Nothing exciting or positive in my situation going on. Hubby talks very little to me now. His quote "you silenced me" I feel like he is punishing me.
I saw him for 1 1/2 hr yesterday for soccer. It was hard. He acts like nothing bothers him ...
Hi Sandy,
I know it's hard, but you need to act this exact same way. If you need to cry on your own, and/or vent on here, that's fine, but it's important that your husband see you strong and determined. YOU are not the one that made destructive decisions here, or who was morally weak.
If nothing else, do it because it will drive HIM nuts. When you let him see you defeated, he's beaten you twice.
