I am glad you aren't mad at me. I have been there, I am still hurting, every single day. I just want to help you avoid some of the pain.
You HAVE changed a lot of what you do. But you are still clinging to the important things, and NOT changing them.
1. NO initiating any R talks, and yes, my friend, "I hate you" is doing that. Next time, write a letter to him, keep it, do not give it to him. He isn't dense. He knows you are hurt and angry. You reminding him you are hurt and angry will not help. He will avoid you, or be nasty.
2. Find friends. Take your daughters out. Go to a movie. Go on a walk. Do anything. Here's the key. This is not game playing. Those are things FOR YOU. Get out, enjoy your life. First fake it (force yourself to get out, heck, I cried through the first movie I saw by myself), then you will do better every single time. You have to remember something: WHO CARES what he thinks, or what he notices. This isn't for him. You getting out isn't moving on from him, its doing something for you.
I wish I could help you more, but really. There is only so much anyone can say. YOU have to process this, and get to the next level (filing, setting boundaries so H doesn't come in and out of your house, whatever works for you). Only you can get there.
