God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

Ya sure about that?? And what ever happened to leaving him alone???

I guess what I mean is it does me no good to tell him how angry I am. He doesn't "get" why. It does me no good to act on the anger, of course. So...I am letting it go.

In order to do that I have to admit I am angry and then figure out how to get through it.

I am a person that says what I think or feel. But things are different now. I am different. I still feel the need to tell him I'm mad as hell at him but doing so gets me no where, soo I sent him a one liner..."I hate you" and left it at that...Do you get what I mean? I don't know how to explain it. But I did it for one reason and one reason only. For ME. Not to get a reaction from him, not to play with him, not to stay connected. For ME to say I"M MAD AS HELL AT YOU!!! without any drama...

get my drift?

Got it loud and clear, long before your post. And I really thought to not answer my phone. But again that is game playing and I'm tired of the game. Let him play, I quit. And no I really don't have any friends that are not M with their own families or are not H's family.

Something has to change TOH. Something.

I know lwb, but what?
These are the changes I've made recently...
*Going to church
*Helping more with farm work
*Not going to H's family get togethers
*Not going to H's house anymore
*Haven't slept or even suggested sleeping with H in a couple months
*I Don't call to just talk
*I don't initiate anything with him
*I'm not pretending with him anymore
I don't know what else to do...

I don't believe that you are keeping your anger in check.

Under the circumstances, yes, to the best of my abilities. Trust me. I am. But I am not made of wood and I have to let it out somehow. Hence "I really hate you"...

H comes and goes as he darn well pleases, and you are fine with this

NO ABSOLUTELY NOT! It hurts like hell. But I've told him this. And recently. And yet he still does. He still pays bills here, what else can I do? And I still WANT him to WANT to come here.

Does he ever ask how YOU are? How your life is? How things are going for you

Never. And I have told him this as well. He'll say he is just trying to get along. That he just wants to be friends. Recently I told him "BS you don't treat friends this way, have you ever asked my how my day was, or how I am? BS! That is not "being friends. That is just you doing what works for YOU"

Except TOH, its NOT old times

Trust me lwb, you don't have to tell me that, I am well aware. That was just a figure of speach, meaning we talked, we laughed, it was like the "old norm".

Are you in any form of counseling?

I was in C from May thru September. H lost his insurance when he changed jobs so I am not going now. I don't feel she really helped me anyway. She didn't do any more for me than this board or talking to friends.

I just wish something would reach you, to show you that you deserve so much more than this. That NOTHING will change this way. You will not get your husband back this way.

I can't win for losing lwb. I tried it my way and I failed. Now I am doing what they say here on the board, and your telling me that is wrong to. I honestly am so lost and confused. I am concentrating everyday on how to make MY life and my girl's lives better. Each and everyday I do what makes Me happy or keeps ME doing okay. Without H. Because the rest of it I just can't get right.

I am so damb tired of being treated so cruely. I am so tired of being hurt. I am tired of being disrespected in every sense of the word. I am tired of unconditionally loving a man that doesn't show one ounce of love or concern for me, my feelings, or my well being. I am sick and tired of competeing with a pathetic woman that can't hold a candle to me. I'm tired of the lies, the sneaking around, the rudeness, the selfishness,

BUT. I still love THM! The man that I know is still in there somewhere. I do not want a D. He knows me. He knows how I feel. He knows that I won't file. He has me over a barrel and I don't have a clue anymore what to do about it...