Trying2Live-New Post #2

[Trying2live]

Ok guys will be updating tonight....been super busy with this H on the weekends. Got some good and ok updates...gotta get son off to football practice but when he goes to bed tonight I'll be jumping back on...I'm in the pacific time zone so it'll be a lil late for you east coasters....XOXO

[twinhope]

Hi Everyone,
I see that some of us are having some rough times. I know that I am. I usually try not to say this but I am having a tough time having hope right now. I really think sometimes I need to just give up. It is so hard as you all know. About my rings, I stopped wearing mine 2mos. after my H left. He stopped wearing his around then as well. I wear them to church and pray over them every week. It makes me sad and my fingers feel bare.

Update: My H called today and asked if instead of him picking up the girls from daycare on tues and wed if I could bring them to him. He moved about 20mins away in the same apartment complex as his OW. I told him that I couldn't do it and I said that that was a big expectation of me. He thinks that we should split the time. I told him that I don't agree and he go on my case saying that he doesn't know why I haven't taken the iniative to want to help him out. I told him that this is what he wants and that he expects alot out of me. He said that all I do is sit on my a$$. I told him that I did not want to fight and that he has changed into someone that I don't even know. I can't expect anything from him and I told him to call the girls tonight to say goodnight but I was done talking to him and to have a good day. He is being a real jerk. I am having a real hard time lately. I think I just needs to some words of wisdom. I feel like he is much deeper into his R with OW that it is causing him to act like this. I think she is putting the full press on him. I wonder if I should just stop talking to him. I have been GAL and I do pretty well except when I have had to talk to him. He seems to get harder and harder. I thought it was suppose to get easier. Any advice?

[hope3343]

{{{{{Marisol}}}}} Glad you are back on line.

Yes it is a difficult decision. We have to decide when we "drop the rope" and if we want to move on.

It is a love/hate. I think T2L was correct in saying that after 6 months the love can be turned to hate. of course in the DB book it says that especially with a MLC that it might take a lot longer for them to come out of the fog. This week my H is totally in the fog. I know he has been with OW the whole weekend doing the football/drinking thing and I know he must be out with her also. Either H will become totally wrapped and addicted to her or the passion will die. I can only hope for the later.

You will know when you make up your mind. How are the kids taking it these days? Does H make an effort to see them on a regular basis.
It really is such a sad that all of this happened. I missed all of the signs.

[hope3343]

T2L, I was hoping no news was good news. Update please. Hope Plan A is working, do you still plan on going to B at the end of the month? We neeed some success stories.

My H is very wrapped up with OW. It is like he got a "get out of jail free" card like monolopy. No one nagging him, drinking, drinking, spending money wildly, hopefully a light will go on soon.

Looking forward to reading your post

[hope3343]

Twinhope you might be at the point to go NC except for the kids and finances. Especially if H still depends on you. Let him see what it is like if he did not have you to talk too. Look at some of the earlier posts that T2L put up with NC etc. It might help to review them.

Has the Ow seen the twins? what 21 year old wants to be strapped with someone else's kids. I just don't get that. I don't think she has a clue yet. Your H does not come by himself he is a package deal, and that is when all the romance goes out of their little A.

Also thanks everyone about the wedding bands. I am still wearing mine. At least when i see OW I make sure she sees it. I am sure it aggravates her.

[JGrind]

Hey everyone

Seems most of us are in somber mood tonight. The cold treatment from H is just tearing at my heart. I just feel lonlier and lonlier. Kids told me H invited his parents, whom he's been avoiding alot since this all happened , over for dinner with them at his house Saturday night. I hope OW wasnt there. Everything just makes me feel so alienated and excluded. I need to know if MIL and FIL support H then I will detatch from them too. Time to schedule a coaching session with Vernetta. I still have 4 left

Wedding rings - I lost my original band several years ago at work, replaced with identical, had everything sottered together, then lost whole set about 2 years ago. Very devestating for me, and I think H was more bitter of it than he let on. H left a box on our bathroom counter last anniversary morning after he left for work. I opened it and found beautiful heart shaped solitare. Instead of feeling excited and gushing with gratitude I felt unworthy of it b/c I had been so careless in the past. I did acknowledge and thank H , but told him he "didnt have to do that". H says that was "the camel that broke the camels back". He didnt get the emotional gratitude he expected. He said he was trying to "sweep me off my feet". About a month after that anniversary I was officially diagnosed with depression. H had went for awhile without wearing his ring - I thought it was b/c of his weight change. I noticed he was wearing it again about a month or so before he dropped the bomb, then removed it the night of Fathers Day, letting it hit the bedside nightstand loudly. I shouldve known what was coming. For a couple weeks after he left I wore his ring around my neck and my solitare around my finger. After repeated IDLYA's I took both off and put them away along with other momentos from our years together in a box in the closet. I now look at my packaged wedding gown up on the shelf and wonder what to do with it.

Good night you will all be in my prayers.

[Trying2live]

Sorry guys I was so pooped last night.

Rings: Took them off as soon as I found out was just thinking about wearing them again. It's really about what you feel is okay for you. No big deal and no condemnation.

My humble opinion on God's plan for all of us, and I say opinion as I respect everyone's opinion who visits.
I don't feel it was ever God's Plan for our families to be broken up. The enemy came in like a flood and stole. This I will never accept.
Yes God gives man free will and my H had free will to chose to be a poop head! But God is a God of families and marriages and is not happy in any way shape or form about this. Now having said that, and knowing that I am an associate Pastor, I want you guys to know that I have not since day 1 preached at my H or told him that God was mad or judging him, he has a conscience that God can speak with him. I felt that would only push him away further. I never talked church or God with him as he already know.
What I feel is God speaks to every person individually and speaks to each person's heart. He knows what we can take and not take and so if you feel God has led you to, for now, to stand for your marriage then so be it. If you feel God has told you it's ok to move forward then so be it. Just follow your heart and lift it up to God. Trust yourself, even if you stand and think you shouldn't be its really no big deal, its just going to help you if for some reason you need to move forward to walk with a clear conscience.
God will get you where you need to be. Trust me!

Yes I have gotten to a place of acceptance, but not of the infidelity. I am in acceptance of this is where my life is right now. Acceptance that my marriage may or may not survive this although I have hope. And an acceptance of either way it goes I am going to make it but hopefully that's with H.

[Trying2live]

Sorry guys I was so pooped last night.

Rings: Took them off as soon as I found out was just thinking about wearing them again. It's really about what you feel is okay for you. No big deal and no condemnation.

My humble opinion on God's plan for all of us, and I say opinion as I respect everyone's opinion who visits.
I don't feel it was ever God's Plan for our families to be broken up. The enemy came in like a flood and stole. This I will never accept.
Yes God gives man free will and my H had free will to chose to be a poop head! But God is a God of families and marriages and is not happy in any way shape or form about this. Now having said that, and knowing that I am an associate Pastor, I want you guys to know that I have not since day 1 preached at my H or told him that God was mad or judging him, he has a conscience that God can speak with him. I felt that would only push him away further. I never talked church or God with him as he already know.
What I feel is God speaks to every person individually and speaks to each person's heart. He knows what we can take and not take and so if you feel God has led you to, for now, to stand for your marriage then so be it. If you feel God has told you it's ok to move forward then so be it. Just follow your heart and lift it up to God. Trust yourself, even if you stand and think you shouldn't be its really no big deal, its just going to help you if for some reason you need to move forward to walk with a clear conscience.
God will get you where you need to be. Trust me!

Yes I have gotten to a place of acceptance, but not of the infidelity. I am in acceptance of this is where my life is right now. Acceptance that my marriage may or may not survive this although I have hope. And an acceptance of either way it goes I am going to make it but hopefully that's with H.

[hope3343]

T2L, thanks for your thoughts and insights this morning. Your right about not preaching to H. I did do that at the beginning of this and I know it did not sit well with him because all it did was lay a guilt trip on him.

So how is everything going with you and H. Any progress? If you are thinking of putting your rings on again, I would say that is encouraging.

My H seems to be pulling a NC with me. I saw him Sat for about 5 minutes but had not really seen him prior to that from the Wed before and last decent conversation with him was on Thursday. H has been non-stop with OW since Friday night.

Actually I need his help, our fire detector keeps beeping in our bedroom and we have vaulted ceilings. I tried to get it last night and I can't reach it even with small ladder. I am hoping he calls me because I could not sleep last night and every time it beeps the dog goes crazy running around the house. I am ready to throw a brick at it. Should I call him? I do not have anyone else that I am close to that could come over and fix it. (how sad is that).

[Trying2live]

Ok ya'll chin up chin up chin up! Yes its harder than it sounds but If I can do it so can you! And let me start by hounding you GAL GAL GAL!!! Soooo, I wanna hear specifics on what ya'll have implemented on your GAL. I hope were being creative and trying new things. Details Details.....Ok that's out of the way LOL.

TwinHope, I think you are absolutely correct in not making this easy for him and the passing off of the kiddies. You can't make this part of it easy for him he'll need to feel what D may be like if this is the choice he makes.
I'm gonna re quote and remember guys this is just opinion each of us has to follow our heart on advice.

I told him that I couldn't do it and I said that that was a big expectation of me.
I think you did fine here are some observations. I might have said Oh geez I'd like to help you but I'm not available already made plans.

He thinks that we should split the time. I told him that I don't agree and he got on my case saying that he doesn't know why I haven't taken the initiative to want to help him out.
Lesson #1 who cares what he thinks, it comes from the fog!LOL
I would for sake of confusion, make a schedule of the times and dates for the kids and email it to him. Why haven't you taken the initiative? Something to think of also, I learned from the Surviving An Affair book by Dr. Willard Harley, is that these guys have needs. Have you ever thought that he is meeting a need by starting an argument? Don't allow him to drag you into the fog for a fight when you can't see. For myself I have preset retarded responses I will say if he tries to drag me into an argument to meet his emotional need or he wants me to be a dumping ground or he wants to justify. I just decided I'm not going to meet his negative need. So I say this lame preset response with a smile and laugh. Here it is ready, "{{smile}} You're funny". Yup that's it folks and I change the subject or make myself busy. Try it. Do not engage in the fog argument.

I told him that this is what he wants and that he expects a lot out of me. He said that all I do is sit on my a$$.
Okay of course this is what he wants, so don't even bother mentioning it and don't let him that its a lot of you, although it is. Just give a firm and happy confident Oh geez I'm sorry I can't I have plans. And then I might have reverse babble his all I do is sit on my a$$. I would said well yo know me always sitting on my a$$ with these 2 kids, my God just look at the size of my a$$ and laugh it off. Now that's confidence and the OW has lot of confidence. She's happy when she sees our H and happy when she talks to our H. Yes we have the details to handle like the kids, but until, all of us can handle it with out massive emotions, try and steer clear. Figure out what works for you. Personally if my H didn't want to see the kids, which he did, in August my kids were mad because he didn't want switch days, so he said tell them to call me when they get over it. I let the cards fall where they are. Guess what my kids never called, he ended up trying to visit and talk. We can't cover for them by pushing them to see the kids. They MUST bear the repercussion of their actions.

I told him that I did not want to fight and that he has changed into someone that I don't even know.
MHO, don't even bother saying you don't wanna fight, he's thinking yeah right. Just find a way out of the convo or don't respond. I wouldn't even bother mentioning he's someone you don't even know. Even he knows that, our walkaways are fully aware that their actions are wrong with out us telling them, trust me, and mentioning it makes you seem less than confident. Even tho we dearly care it needs to seem as if we don't but maybe we do and must exude confidence, cheerfulness etc.
I can't expect anything from him and I told him to call the girls tonight to say goodnight but I was done talking to him and to have a good day.
This is the motto I live by everyday as soon as I wake up! I literally tell my self this. I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS FROM H HE IS IN THE FOG. I EXPECT HIM TO RUN HOT AND COLD AND HAVE NO COMMON SENSE OR MORALS IN THE FOG EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO THE CHILDREN. I CANNOT RELY ON H IN ANYWAY. This reminder has saved my life from much let down.
I like to end all conversations 1st, not as a power thing but a confidence thing. Like hey i have a life i'm still living and oh my gosh my friend is calling i gotta go now, the kids are looking forward to you call...ta ta

He is being a real jerk.
Yes most alien abductions result in replacement with the jerk. Expect this and expect it every time.

I am having a real hard time lately. I think I just needs to some words of wisdom.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time, i know your pain is real, i still feel it too. {{hugs}} The only thing I can say IMHO is exude confidence, cheerfulness etc, don't let him drag you into fog arguments, don't be his conscience concentrate on you. Don't put so much focus on him, what GAL activity are you doing for YOU? Don't worry about the wedding rings, pray for yourself and the kids, he's getting enough focus right now. The shift needs to happen in the way you guys communicate right now, try to find out how and what to do to make this happen. When I had a few coaching session, she recommended very very limited contact until negative emotions are reduced. Can you do that?

I feel like he is much deeper into his R with OW that it is causing him to act like this. I think she is putting the full press on him.

Can he really get any deeper than he is? I mean adultery is adultery whether emotional or physical. So don't concentrate on that. I'm not sure if OW is putting pressure on him. 2 ways of thinking on that. 1 is she is then great let he come unglued and you do the opposite and be confident. I recommend that ALL of us do not talk about the relationship,its not time your going to get fog babble.

I wonder if I should just stop talking to him.
Only you can make that determination. I had to several times for months at a time because he was a complete angry nut who wanted me to be a dumping ground and i felt he needed to see that I am going to make it. I think my H expected me to beg and i didnt. If you need to limit talking to reduce the negative emotions then go for it. It can't hurt to have no conversations or contact for a day or two when the kids are not visiting. IT gives the appearance you are living life still. When H calls to talk with kids put the phone straight to their ear.

I have been GAL and I do pretty well except when I have had to talk to him. He seems to get harder and harder. I thought it was suppose to get easier.

What things have you been doing to GAL?

It always gets harder before it gets easier and D won't be any easier either.

Expect it to get harder, sorry I wish I had better news but having this mindset its easier to let it roll off your back when they do and say these outlandish things.