I need help with this!

[sandi2]

I faithrunner, I'm Sandi. I had an EA with OM on line. I would like to try to help you if I can. Guess it seems kind of odd that I am from the other side of the fense, but still sometimes it gives a different POV. BTW, I am no longer in the EA and it is b/c of this board and the wonderful people that helped me get my head on straight that put a stop to it before it led to a PA.

Okay, so I am known for my long post and I hope you don't mind. The first thing I would suggest is that you do not tell him that what you have discovered. The next thing is to try your best not to snoop any further b/c it will only stress you out and make it very difficult to carry out your plan.....which I am about to give you in a minute.

You may have already seen this list, and if so, that is fine, but I usually try to give it to begin with b/c it works if you go by it. You will have the upper hand b/c he will not know that you know what is going on and in the meantime, you are going to become a woman he will want a lot more than this other woman he "thinks" he wants now.

First of all.....do nothing to act needy or clingy. Don't panic and act like you are scared he is going to leave you. Don't start telling him you love him and trying to get him to say it back b/c he will resent it. Oh, I'm getting into my list, so I might as well go ahead and give it now and be done with it. Then I'll talk again to you. But, please follow this list to a tee. I promise, unless he is in serious MLC beyound help, then I think, in time, you will see him coming around. However, the secret word is "time" and "space". You must be very patient.
Here's the list:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse.
35. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

I will check on you tomorrow. In the meantime, post to others and read other threads. The more you post, the larger the support group you will build up.

Take care of yourself. Look good at all times and be the best "you" that you can be.

Sandi