W is back tonight from her trip. She called the house phone and I didn't answer it as I expect she wants to talk to the girls. But they ignore the house phone since anybody who they really want to talk to will call their cells.
I guess she then called D13's phone but D13 isn't home and doesn't have it with her. She called the house phone again and I almost answered it. So she called D17's phone and got her.
I went into the kitchen and D17 was taking to her, then said "I'll have to ask my dad..." and hands me the phone and says "It's mom, she wants to know if she can come over in a little while"
I took the phone and W asked me if it was ok so she could see the girls. She was in a pissy mood and said "I don't know why nobody answered the phone!" and I told her D13 wasn't home so when she comes over it'll just be D17.
She said ok and then BYE and hung up.
When she came over she had her table and things and was dropped off by her girlfriend. She carried her stuff in, still limping.
I was in my office and didn't see her until she walked BY my office door, which was open, on her way to the garage to put some things away. she didn't look in or say anything to me at all.
A few minutes later she left with D17 to go somewhere.
Usually she comes back from these things all happy and la la la. Not being able to get a hold of us on the phone would NOT set her off when she's in that 'happy' place.
I went to go pick up D13 from her friends house and when we got home W was in the kitchen sitting and talking with D17 about the propositions on the ballot here. I looked at W but she did not look at me. I said something about one of the props to D17 and W still looked straight ahead.
A moment later I was in her line of sight and she did make eye contact, I gave a polite smile and she smiled nervously.
I've left and gone to my office so she can hang with the girls.
Yeah, it still hurts. At least the first thing she's doing after coming back is spending time with the girls instead of OM.
Went to the store and drove by W's 'spirituality house' AKA the house of extreme dysfunction along the way. W's car wasn't there. 11:15 pm.
I'll GUESS that she needed some comforting from douchebag OM aka 'TLB' or 'The Little Boy'. She didn't seem like she got what she wanted out of the week long spirituality love fest and massage extravaganza.
Or at least she wasn't feeling comfortable in MY house knowing that I was very clear before she left that she was making a selfish and financially destructive move.
And, today she owes me the $60 for THIS week. She didn't offer but I'll hit her up for it tomorrow.
I'm sure that will be fun.
I don't like being angry at someone I loved. It's not right.
It's our job as parents to teach our kids responsibility.
It's now your unfortunate lot in life to have a wife who's decision making ability is not much beyond the teenage level, and you will have to teach her some responsibility too.
Anger doesn't have to figure in. It's nothing more than living up to your responsibilities. She couldn't do it as a wife, she can at least be compelled to do it as a co-parent.
The anger at her decision to end the marriage is something that you have to eventually come to grips with. It's natural, happens to all of us, and has it's own time frame that is unique to our situations. I do believe that true acceptance of the reality of the situation is a key component.
You have a lot of life yet to live Frank. And a lot of great, wonderful opportunities and experiences out there in front of you. Slowly but surely I think you are coming to the realization (sad though it may be) that you may be experiencing these things without your wife. That does NOT mean you will be alone.
This would be a great time to dig deeper into discovering your faith. If you have found a good church, there are people there who will embrace you for the man that you are. Some of my dearest friends through the years came from my involvement at church, even if we do not attend the same one anymore. I know that God has things He would like to speak to you, places He would like to direct you. All you have to do is open yourself to the possibilities of something more out there.
I don't do the "God is the magic pill that fixes everything in my life" bit. I do believe that God cares deeply for each of us, and wants nothing but good things for us. He will allow us to be tested and tried, but only because He wants to see us move closer and closer to the potential that He has built in to us. The beauty of God is that He has chosen to allow each of us to make the move toward Him or not.
It's out there Frank. And not in some weird, X-Files kind of way. I can only tell you that without a return to my own faith, I have no idea how I would have survived this ordeal. There is great comfort in believing, in knowing that there is a greater power out there who cares and is providing for our needs.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Yeah Bworl I guess I will be spending my life without her. I wonder how much longer it has to hurt.
And why do I still have to be her 'teacher'? That's one thing she said a few months back, I was her greatest teacher. I was her 'rock'. My counselor said last week that I am STILL her rock. My Kids rock. In this broken up family I'm the only piece of stability even for my runaway wife, or STBXW.
When does it end?
I do agree, I am using my faith to believe that there has to be something better waiting for me.
One thing I hadn't thought about last night is that one of my women friends from the DB board had sent me a birthday card and some presents and I had left them on the table where we leave mail for each of us. It was clearly visible and was signed 'Love, xyz'.
Since she was there before I had gotten there last night, she probably saw it. Maybe that's why she felt uncomfortable.
Today around 4 pm she came and knocked on the door. I went to the door and she asked me if she could come in to get a coupon that was on the mail pile. I said pleasantly 'sure, go ahead'. I asked how her knee was doing and she said it was getting better.
Then she asked me if the girls were home and I said they were in their rooms. So she says 'Is it ok if I go say hi to them, since I'm already here?'
Again I said pleasantly "sure, that would be nice". So she goes upstairs. Weird. It's not like I was hovering around her watching her.
When she came back down to leave, I asked her if she was going to pay me this weeks $60 next week since she was having cash flow problems.
She got defensive, said she got money today and would transfer it tomorrow when she's here in the morning and can use her computer. She complains she doesn't have enough time to do that so sometimes it takes her till later in the week.
Now, she's here every morning to be with the kids and take them to school. I have never told her not to come over, and she has at least 20 minutes of free time between dropping off D17 and D13.
I stop her and say "Hey, I wasn't asking you for the money, I'm saying that I don't need it right now and if it's better to wait a week that's ok with me"
Then she goes on saying that "Well I can't pay $120 in a week, $60 is about what I make in tips each week so that way I can keep up".
Anyway, she calmed down and promised to pay me tomorrow.
I also found out that they are having a halloween party at the dysfunctional house. I think she invited D13 and D17 because D13 told me she wasn't going because she was going out with her friends. Don't know what D17 plans to do.
Finally, was talking to a db friend who said this: What if she went away to this place last week, after hearing you tell her what a financial mistake it was right before she left, and that's all she thought about. Remember that she sees me as the 'leader', even now.
What if she missed you and the girls and didn't miss OM? That would piss her off. Add that to he probably thinking that 'Frank doesn't want me' and that she has gone past the point of no return, she might be thinking she made a mistake.
Well, and pigs might fly too! Anyway it's puzzling why she came back so unhappy instead of in a good space like she usually does. You do have to be sure that she was thinking about the last time she went there and how I encouraged her to go.
This week one of my goals is to clean up the yard. I've let it fall apart. The pool is dirty and the grass is dying because the sprinklers have been broken a while.
I just didn't care.
I need to care because the girls see this and even thought it doesn't affect their day to day life, it's the message that 'Dad doesn't care' that I have to change.
Another sign of healing frank. Same happened to me. The yard got messy and overgrown. The planters went bare. I turned that around. Your reconnection with family...your looking at the need for beauty in your life....are signs of healing.
Quote:
I wonder how much longer it has to hurt.
The pain won't go away for some time frank. Look at my own sitch. You will have rollercoasters of your own...but...with each peak and valley...you will find yourself ascending to higher vistas until the view is spectacular.
Quote:
The 9 inch thing is why I got divorced...... She wanted me to have a reduction and I wouldn't....... Well not really! LOL
You must be in the category of "I may not hit bottom but I certainly wear down the sides.
And finally frank...this journey will require you to give a lot of yourself...to your kids, and, yes....to your W.
Originally Posted By: Transfomers, The Movie, 2007
No sacrifice, no victory
Archibald Witwicky was onto something here.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
This morning W came over for her daily 'make breakfast and take the girls to school'. I stayed in bed because I was tired.
Around 9 she calls me on my cell phone:
W: Hi, I didn't transfer the $60 I give you every week into our checking account. I thought instead I'd refill D13's prescription that I saw on the counter.
Me: You don't have to pay for the prescription, I can do that.
W: (a little annoyed) Well do you want me to put the money in your account just so you can go pay for it?
Me: No, I'm just saying that I can pay for it. It's ok if you want to.
W: Well I also took the short shopping list you had on the counter so I'll pick those things up.
Me: Oh, you already have the prescription and list? I didn't realize that. Ok, thanks for getting that stuff.
W: (still annoyed) no problem, have a nice day.
So, I went downstairs and saw that she made a pot of coffee, something she hasn't done all week. Enough for both of us but she hadn't taken any.
Her 'love languages' are 'affirmations' and 'acts of service'. I thought about it and while I could 'read' the buying groceries and getting the prescription as an act of service for the girls, the coffee can only be for me. Why?
So, I realized that IF she was doing these things for me, because she feels like I am carrying all the weight of the financials and the family then I was being unappreciative.
So, I called her back and said very sincerely to her "Hey, I don't think it came across in our conversation, but I want you to know how much I appreciate that you're getting the groceries and the prescription. It really helps because that's one more thing in my day that I don't have to deal with. I appreciate it."
She replied in a pleasant tone "Thank you for calling and telling me that." and I just said "You're welcome, thanks again and have a good day, I'll talk to you later" She said goodbye and that was that.
I'm not trying to attract her back. Instead I had a "What would Jesus do?" moment and thought that I have been distancing from her more and more, for my own sake, but I have also gotten to the point to where I don't 'see' the attempts she makes to try to 'make up' for what shes done.
I'm not in the emotional place where I can interact with her positively without having expectations. But I will at least remove the 'edge' from our communications. I think that would be better for the kids sake because they are intuitive and can feel the tension.
I also thought about this, and it's mostly because of thinking about Sleepers sitch with an irrelevant OM, that she will never get the kinds of responses from OM that she has gotten from me all these years. Why? Because I KNOW her more deeply, more intimately than anyone. OM is an emotionally stunted 'man boy' who fills a need she thinks she needs filled right now.
She needs me to still 'be there', but I think she thinks that she has crossed the point of no return, and that I don't want her around any more.
Or, maybe I'm wrong.
Regardless, I'm still putting my focus on myself, not her.
