Another slow late night at work....reading through some old posts and found this...had almost forgotten about it.
I wrote a "Dear AWAW" letter when Smartcookie had that thread going...sorry SC, I know that was my idea.
Forrest took it and added his take, sort of "in between the lines".
The lines in quotes are mine and the others FG added. It still just tears my heart out when I read it, mostly because of what the wordsmith added....can't make it through the whole thing dry eyed.
As my wife and I are at the 6 month mark since the bomb, seemingly doing well, but with pretty much no talk of the R or marriage, I am tempted at times to give it to her.
I have a hand written copy I wrote out back in August, sealed in an envelope on my desk.....still not enough nerve, though.
"Dear AWAW,"
"Since the time has not yet come for you to open up to me and have a conversation about our marriage and relationship,"
As much as I want to now.
"I thought I would write you a note."
From the heart. This is the way I feel.
"When you finally came to me with your decision to end the marriage, I know it was not a decision you came to easily."
I questioned why. I wanted to understand why you chose to be without me. I never wanted to be without you.
"You put up with a lot from me and gave me all the time in the world to be the husband I should have been, and I let you down."
I did the same for you. I knew who you were from day one. I don't know what happened.. but we both drifted apart.
"I know saying "I am sorry" does not make up for that. I let you down, I broke my promise to cherish you for the rest of my life and allowed you to drift farther and farther away from me as the years went by."
I was hoping you would get over it. I had no idea the hurt you held close. Even if I did understand.. what could I say or do to make it better. I tried.. really I did.
"So many chances I had to reach out and pull you back to me, and I let you drift away....farther and farther, until you were just out of reach."
Now.. I just can't reach you. I fight myself some. You just seem to lose me at times. I don't know what to do. I want to show you I love you.. but you seem so distant. Oh.. that hurts.
"I suppose after a while the distance for you was just too great. Was it an arm's length, a foot or a mile? What does it matter?"
I lost you. The person I knew you could be. In that.. I lost me. I did not mean for that to happen.. it just did. What can I do.. that will make you see?
"As hard as all of those years you spent unhappy were, I know how hard the last 4 months have been on you."
See now you see me as unhappy. I shine in that. I saw you too. Just had no idea what to do.
"I am sure when you finally summoned up enough courage to tell me what you wanted, you were hoping for an end to the hurt, the pain and the drama you had endured all those years."
You don't know how many times.. I have felt just like that. I felt it to. What does a person do? If I could have taken it away.. I would have. Instead.. I made thing worse. In not knowing what to do.. I let you down! I let me down too. I wanted so much more.
"Your kind heart, and, my hope is, the love you still feel for me somewhere inside stopped you from abruptly ending the relationship."
No.. I can see this hurts you. I just want a change. Let me show you the love. It has always been there.. even if you could not see it.
"You didn't leave, nor did you tell me I had to, but it was over, you said, and I had no choice but to believe that and accept it."
I am happy you did not leave.. you gave me the chance to show you how I felt. At times.. I doubted you could see it.. and I acted the fool. What did you expect me to do?
"Did you stay because you had to?"
I know you did not have to do this.. I thank you for doing it.
"Because you wanted to give me that one last chance."
I never wanted a last chance.
"Could you possibly still care that much about me, after what I have done, to worry about hurting me? How confusing this is for both of us. Can either one of us have any less pain or confusion than the other?"
No.
"Has the last four months just prolonged these feelings for you, or made them memories that seem to be more distant as the days and weeks pass?"
God I hope so.
"Some days the distance between us is so great, I can barely see your silhouette on the horizon. Than there are days you are so close, I can feel your breath on my neck and smell the sweet scent of your skin."
That is all I ever wanted.
"I cherish the close days, and fear the distant ones, but want you to know that you are still here in my heart whatever the space between us."
Please know, in my heart, I love you with all my that I am. I will be forever sorry for what I have done to us, and no matter what path you choose to walk on, I will be on the one next to you, hoping that they cross somewhere down the road.
