oh man, people just keep tempting to have a drink....I really need to detox for a week !!!
Welcome aboard sir, join the party and I'll go for a pint of Fosters.....
Your post re thanking your W for reeasing you from where you were at and becoming a better person is spot on. You could of gone on for years more being a DAM as could I. Always take the positives out of your sitch and if your like me, you'll find plenty.
sounds as tho you won't have the financial crisis I will when this is done tho....
Have you thought about writing a letter? Is that a dobson thing (I am always asking this!).. that you wish her well, sorry for your part in things and sorry it hadnt worked out.. I dont know, whatever you want to say, from the heart, now that you seem to have stopped DBing and accepted it as over?
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
As for me, XW "mandated" I continued bi-monthly counseling sessions and she agreed to go "every 3 weeks." That was mighty big of her and it is clear she doesn't need more therapy than I do b/c she's an obvious rock. Anyway, I agreed to this b/c I'd planned on continuing anyway.
Is this part of your written agreement? If not, its none of her business if you continue counseling or the frequency thereof.
Hey everyone! I've been away b/c I had my D this weekend, so I didn't want to take time away from her. I know you all understand.
Anyway, I'll answer you all 1st, then tell you the latest w/ XW.
Goldey - Plenty of room in the van. Hop in!
Ken - I'm sorry I'm here too, but it is my reality, so I have to make the most of it. I'm glad I've landed softly in this forum and I'm looking forward to making new friends to blend in w/ my old.
Arthur - Isn't it crazy that all the crap we had to endure has actually helped us grow for the better? It is weird to say the least. I'll keep being positive and learning all I can. The pint of Fosters is yours, my friend. If my finances aren't as bad as yours, I'm cringing at the thought of how much of a hit you are taking here. For that I'm truly sorry, but at least we can "re-make" money in time. We can't re-make trust however.
Ali - I have thought of a letter, but I've been advised against it by my therapist b/c it could be something XW would look to use against me to upend the custody agreement and place it more in her favor. I'm not sure about that one, though. It may be something I could do now that our D is final, but I think that is one I'd rather run by Jody and see what she thinks. As for my DBing being over, it isn't over at all. I'm DBing for myself and to grow in positive ways for me. So, I hope the lessons I'm learning through DB won't stop, to be honest. However, what has stopped is my pursuit of XW. She's on her own and it won't be me making any overtures to "woo" her again. I've moved on from that scene.
Nut - Yes, my counseling is in our written agreement. XW "insisted" on it, so I said OK and didn't really care as I was going anyway. I could have protested, but that would have most likely meant we'd have been in court before a judge which wasn't cost-effective at that point.
Ok, here's my latest... First, XW goes to the house on Friday to go through things, pick up some of her personal stuff and take one of the dogs. That is the part that killed me as I cried as I left Friday morning knowing that I wouldn't be seeing one of our dogs every day again. Very, very sad.
XW got to the house, grabbed a few things as was gone. She told me she was leaving the house as I was getting D from school, so D and I went home then out to dinner. XW called for D during dinner and when she called, I answered the phone and said "you are calling for D, right?" To which XW answered, "Clearly." I told her it was merely a question and handed the phone over. I'm not sure if the anger will ever stop.
Saturday D and I had a great time goofing around and shopping for things for her school's Halloween Party this upcoming weekend. After feasting at McDonald's (only 5-star for my kid) and stopping for some really good ice cream, D passed out when we got home and so did the old man. It was nice to get some well-needed sleep.
Sunday we played at home then went to the park before leaving to drop D off to her mom. D and I were early to the restaurant and were waiting in the doorway when XW and new BF came in. BF introduced himself to me and we shook hands and the like. He seemed ok and D really does like him, so that is a good thing. I do have to say, he isn't anything special. I think he's safe and secure for XW which is why she's w/ him.
Anyway, XW started to tell me the things she's working on (selling the ring she wanted for Christmas, etc.) and then she said she didn't stay at the house too long on Friday b/c she was "overwhelmed" w/ being there. I told her I understood and don't want to be there myself. I talked about a few things and joked about how she always orders the same thing in a restaurant, and she started to get emotional and cry.
Did I hit a nerve? Was it difficult for me to meet her new man? Guilt? Who knows? I only know that I was completely unaffected by her being w/ someone else. Maybe that was difficult for her? Again, guessing, but only b/c I'm curious, not b/c I really care.
So, the weirdest thing was when I went to the table to tell D goodbye, XW's divorce lawyer was in the booth right across from her. Very odd, but I said hello to him, kissed D goodbye and left. XW talked w/ me later that night as I was talking w/ D and said she didn't plan to have her D lawyer there. Like I thought it was a plan or even cared. However, XW was concerned w/ how it looked, so that's her issue, I guess.
Again, I'm wondering if guilt is creeping to the surface. If it is, it is about time! I can hope for it to hit so I can have a somewhat normal relationship w/ her in terms of raising our D.
Maybe it's time to take up coaching again. You loved it but gave it up for XW. Might be a good GAL activity. Your D could come with you to the practices and/or games.
D and I were early to the restaurant and were waiting in the doorway when XW and new BF came in. BF introduced himself to me and we shook hands and the like. He seemed ok...I do have to say, he isn't anything special. I think he's safe and secure for XW which is why she's w/ him.
Anyway, XW started to tell me the things she's working on (selling the ring she wanted for Christmas, etc.) and then she said she didn't stay at the house too long on Friday b/c she was "overwhelmed" w/ being there. I told her I understood and don't want to be there myself. I talked about a few things and joked about how she always orders the same thing in a restaurant, and she started to get emotional and cry.
WTF!!!???? How is this woman operating a new R.. she actually started to cry in front of you all !?? And why is she doing the handover with Grace in a restaurant, with her L and her 4 year old D and HER NEW BF !??? It beggars belief. None of the above scenario should be happening.. Grace must feel like someones popped her head off and stuck it back on upside down and inside out. Sorry, cos she is your D and that must worry you.. but seriously, WTF!
I am not surprised the new BF is 'safe' he is probs a bit of a dork.. after the latest changes in her life, I dont suppose she is going to be ready or sorted enough for an adult, equal R, just someone nice and reliable right.
And also.. she started chatting to you about what she's been up to including SELLING HER RING!??? Why did she feel it necessary to drop that into the conversation? Thats ridiculously insensitive.
Your W sounds very bitter Rob. I am guessing that this is not the end of it.. give her a few months, and you will be getting late night tearful phonecalls from her, raging or guilty, I dont know, but she sounds kind of emotionally unstable. I dont think she will be getting the happy ever after with this guy and would you date a woman who was JUST D and bursts into tears in front of her ex? I mean, thats not a good sign now is it !
Maybe it was as you say, becuase you seemed unaffected and shook his hand? I am amazed she bought him along to meet you, so soon after the D, that is kind of cruel, if not just crass and unnecessary. And what happened to The Snake and RandomBackOfficeApartmentComplex guy? She is on BF no 3 and the ink is barely dry on the paperwork. Honestly, if the world just full of unenlightened emotional cripples !?? (apologies to your W)
Sorry for ranting, but honstly, the things you have had to deal with ...You are clearly growing and your posts have grown warmer and more self aware since I first began posting, the changes in you are obvious, and are on the inside. The changes in your W seem to be external only.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey Rob, sorry you are here with the rest of us, but glad to meet you.
I have to agree with Ali, your ExW seems to have her head way up in the clouds. My son's IC made it very clear to both me and my STBXH that no significant others were to be introduced to him until we were D for a LEAST 6 month. He suggested it be closer to a year and that it should only happen when we think we are ready to M the person. Glad to hear your D at least likes the guy, but if your ExW does truly throw him away also, it is really going to have negative effects on your D. Unfortunately there is NOTHING you can do about that except be there and love her. Sounds like you are hitting a home run on that front.
I cant even imagine being in a sitch where I was meeting my STBXH OW. It would crush me. You really are a very strong person and I hope to get as far as you are one day soon. I can feel the care that I had for him slipping away each day...and that is good, but it isnt gone entirerly. Still have a fantasy every so often that he is going to wake up and want to come home. I know it is not going to happen so have to pinch myself awake again. Fortunately those moments dont come too often and leave quickly. Looking forward to getting to know you better.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Nut - coaching again is something I'm reconsidering very strongly. I know my schedule now w/ my D, so I can plan around it. I may assist w/ the JV program this year to get my feet wet and back into it.
Ali - she didn't fully break into tears yesterday. A few began to fall and she was able to quickly compose herself. Also, the BF (who is #2 the apartment guy) wasn't w/in earshot as he had left to get a table so we could talk. I thought that was pretty cool of him. Also her L being there was a complete random thing. I still would like to box him upside the head, so I wasn't thrilled at seeing that guy again.
Funny how I'd rather punch her divorce attorney than the new guy she's with. A bit. Maybe I'm just glad he's got her instead of me, eh?
She is bizarre for sure. It is strange how emotional she got and her discussion of the ring was about splitting the money for it as we'd agreed to doing in the settlement. I actually told her that if she wanted it, she could keep it. I mentioned that she never wore it for my benefit, so she doesn't have me attached to it. She talked about the money and I said we can figure that out later. The store we bought it at is going out of business, so we can't do anything w/ them at this point.
I'm not sure what is going on in that mind of hers...and I'm not sure I want to. If she's having regret or remorse, I'm in a new place and she'd have to do a ton of work to catch up to where I am b/c I'm never planning on slowing down or looking back.
I wouldn't be too shocked if I do get those calls in 6 months, but who the Hell knows where I'll be by then? The only thing I can say is I won't be where I am right now as I'm a work-in-progress that is evolving and I don't plan on going through a de-evolution phase anytime soon.
Friday I e-mailed her saying I wanted to know the values of our pensions before either of us waved our rights to them and today she tersely replied telling me to go forward w/ having them evaluated. So, I'll do that tomorrow, and by the way, I didn't reply. I didn't feel I needed to.
So, tonight how was she? Chatty and friendly. She got on the phone and wanted to talk about her conference w/ D's teacher and then offered to let me take D to dinner on Wednesday after my conference w/ her teacher. So, tonight was Dr. Jeckyll after today's meeting w/ Mr. Hyde.
Thus another day of relations w/ the human San Andreas Fault line has come and gone and I live to see another day!
You were writing as I was posting my latest update. I too am sorry to be here on many fronts, but also glad on several others.
For the record, your fantasy may still come true. This never ends until we say it does, so if you'd like to see that come about, then don't give up on it. However, your working on yourself and getting you stronger and better regardless of what your future holds. That is what DB does for all of us. I'm in the same boat. If XW came running back now, we'd talk, but there'd be a lot of work for her to do and I wouldn't hold my breath on change. So, I'm not waiting. I'm going forward.
As for meeting the BF, it was weird to be sure. I did eyeball him a bit and compare myself to him, but that was about it. He is nice and was pleasant to me - even looked me in the eye, but not in an attempt to intimidate. I appreciated that. Also, it isn't his fault. I would like for him to be more concerned w/ his impact on my D, but basically he is just a collateral piece of the puzzle - and if things stay the same, that piece will become collateral damage as well.
So, I'm not sure why I wasn't bothered by it b/c I do still have feelings for XW, but they have been replaced by a new sense of realism, I think. I want her to be happy, but I'm still on my toes for whatever she throws at me as she's unstable. My main focus is to work on me and then do my best for my D. I can't control what XW does w/ D, but I can do the best I can to let D know she's loved and what her mother is doing is not normal behavior.
So, thanks for coming by and saying hello. I too am looking forward to getting to know more about you.
