How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

[sandi2]

Well, I'm so glad that you didn't chunk my reply out the window...lol. I will try to explain myself better, and anytime that you don't understand what I'm saying please do like you did this time and ask me about it b/c I don't always do a good job of relating what I mean to.

Writing this, I feel like such a gay "girlfriend" LOL Having said that, we haven't done this in a while (couple of months) and even then I have been taking the kids to a toy store or something while she's in the store.

Please don't feel that way, b/c a lot of women would just love for their H's to go shopping with them and to tell them what looks good on them, etc. You were trying to do the right thing in helping to build her self esteem and I think that is very considerate of you. The only reason I brought that up was b/c of what she had said about the brotherly friendship. This may not have had anything to do with that whatsoever, but we want to get away from anything the remotely resembles looking like "just a friend" to her or causing her to have only feelings of a friend toward you.

Those long emails were in response to her long emails while I was overseas in Nov and Dec last year. This hasn't happened since then!

Okay, well....I may have misdiagnosed that one...lol. I was trying to see what you may have done to cause her to feel like she does. Like I said before, unfortunately when a woman loses that sexual attraction, it seems to be hard to regain it.

I'm a little confused by your comment at the end. Are you saying that it's making the wrong impression on her? Or was I just overdoing it a little bit?

Guess I should have went back to read my post again, but if this is about the PMA and staying upbeat......I meant that you may have been trying so hard that you were coming across as "over doing it" to her and, again, that was a "turn-off" to her. The reason it would be a turn-off is b/c she saw through it and knew why you were trying so hard, so just try to do it naturally as possible. I know it sounds like you can't win, but you will. It is just that right now she is not seeing you in the right "light" and that is what we will work on to change that.

However, I wasn't crying or anything. I just wanted to make it clear to her that my feelings for her are still there.

Glad you cleared that up and since you have told her that, then you don't need to repeat it since she has the feelings that she does. You may be tempted to, but try not to say it again or tell her that you love her, etc. I know it sounds the opposite of what you think you should be doing, but that is what is so crazy about all of it.

I am a little confused about the "take charge" comment. How is taking charge compatible with "dropping the rope". Or do you mean taking charge of my own life not ours?

I'm glad you brought that to my attention b/c you know what?.....I was kind of talking out of both sides of my mouth, wasn't I? I think I forgot and was thinking about myself when I was almost a WAW and was having an EA with OM. He was the opposite of my H and was a very "take charge" type of man and it really turned me on! So, just pretend I did not say that (for the time being) and let's get back to your stitch and off of mine (sorry). BTW, are you the "take charge" kind of man?

You see there are two basic ways of going about this. Some can act as if they have had a "great awakening" and become the "friend" and be there for the wife, outshine the OM, show what a great person you have become and how much fun you can be, etc., and it works. But others have to "drop the rope" before they get their W's attention. That means to show no concern about what she does and that you are moving on with your life with or without her, but either way, you will be just fine and you don't show any worry about it. In other words, you have turned her lose. But, you still show your self improvements and how you are getting a life of your own and all of those things. Now, if you are still sleeping in the same bed or living under the same roof, that may be a little hard to do. The decision and what you think would work best in your particular stitch is for you to decide. Whichever way you go, I do believe a woman wants a man that is not easy to have and that is why I said that you do not need to be so easily available to her.....whatever you decide. You can act "aloof", as I have said, without being cold or rude, but just as though you have other things to do or think about, and you are not getting upset about what she says or what she does. That is the main thing to remember. You cannot control what she does.....so don't even try. Do not let her know that anything she says upsets you....(if you have to go burry your head in a pillow and scream). That's why long walks or working out at the gym is good. It helps get rid of all that frustration.

I also am not clear on what she needs. There are still some fixing things at her shop that ned to be completed. Would that be something that I should just go over and do, unasked?

I'm sure it is b/c of the statement that I made that confused you. Hope I helped to clear that up. I would not go over and do anything at her shop. If she asked, then I suppose that would be up to you and how you felt about it. You could always be too busy and too unavailable to her and it would cause her to see that she can't take you for granted. You take "brothers" for granted. Until she gets out of that frame of mind that you are like a brother to her.....then you may have to take drastic measures.

However, I did tell her yesterday, in a calm, honest way, that I want her to know that I know I betrayed her trust when I told her parents about stuff she confided in me and that it won't happen again and that I want her to know she can come to me to talk about anything without worry that I will tell anybody else.

That is good that you did that. I hope that they will not continue to talk to her b/c it will just make things worse for you in the long run.

I know emotional intimacy is important to maintain, that is why I wanted to say that. Last June, the MC asked her if she felt emotionally intimate with me and she said that she was. To which the MC said that that is needed first in order to start feeling physically intimate.

It is my belief that if a woman's emotional needs are being met that she can even deal with having the physical needs unmet--if she has to. That is just my way of thinking--and maybe b/c I never had my emotional needs met in my own M. But, you are correct, the emotional, I think, needs to be met first. However, a lot of people say to just go ahead and have the physical intimacy and then the feelings will eventually follow. It didn't work for me, but then I'm not everybody.

I read about someone trying to behave like James Bond. I sure see the sex appeal to that kind of man. However, it seems to me that he gets into women's minds by sweeping her of her feet and then abandoning them. Basically, he lets them get real close and then pulls away. At first, I wasn't sure if that is the right approach here, but thinking about it... I think the underlying reason why detaching works is because you make them want what they cannot have. You're basically "reeling" them in by pulling back a little further every time they come closer. Don't know if that's how it works, but that is how imagine it works.

The James Bond thing got started between me and a couple of men here on the board. I was talking to a young man and telling him that my idea man was Rhett Butler in "Gone With the Wind" (I'm old fashion) and he and another man said James Bond (which I think of him the way you do....lol) but both are fictional characters. However, I do think if you have an idea of a role model of someone you think of as being a man that women go for, and it is somewhat reasonable for you to think about yourself modeling after, then I would say to go for it. It seemed to work for my friend b/c he ended with a success story. He said he ended up being Rhett Butler and James Bond combined! Now that is saying something! (lol)

I used to think some men should secretly read some of those romance novels just to get an idea of what kind of men women dream of.....lol. My H said once that he could never be like those men. My response to that was, how did he know since he never even read one of the books to find out.

You do have the right concept of the detaching and "reeling them in" b/c they want what they can't have.

I believe we all can stand to raise the bar when it comes to improving ourselves. As I said before, for some reason after we marry, we get too comfortable and we start letting down too much and begin to take each other for granted. That is when a lot of the romantic feelings wear off very quickly.

I remember when I was in school, it was not the boys that were falling all over me or following after me like a loved starved puppy dog, that I was interested in. It was the ones that didn't pay me any attention that was a challenge to me. Those were the boys that I would flirt with and try to get their attention and for sure.....get them interested enough to ask me out on a date! I think the same applies after M. You need to keep a certain amount of detachment to the point of not ever taking one another for granted. You need to have an air of mystery about you. You need to be more interesting and keep her guessing (not worrying, but guessing in a good way), you need to be fun to be around. You need to act sexy, look sexy, and smell sexy. I have told so many men to always come home and shower and put on some good smelling cologne b/c that has a senual affect on women. They learned I knew what I was talking about. Especially at bedtime......when you pass her and she gets a whiff of you smelling good enough to eat.....but you don't seem to have sex on your mind at all......hummm.....it will cause her to wonder and to be interested in getting to the bottom of things. (No pun intended....lol). Don't expect it to happen in just a few day/nights and don't get all down and blue if it takes weeks, but keep it up every night. Don't do or say anything to put pressure on her or pursue her and you would be surprised just how little it takes to do that (pursue, I mean).

Well, I'll let you go after this long post. Hope it helps some.

Take care,
Sandi