One thing I'm not clear on from your story - has your W ever admitted having an affair?
I don't know of any books written specifically for women who are having affairs. Unfortunately, the kind of wake up call you are looking for is not likely to come quickly. You can try to influence her path to self discovery by becoming a more attractive alternative to the OM. You said you were confident you could "step up to the plate", so why not start now? Do you know what it is about this OM that attracts your W?
If it's any help at all, it's been just over one year since the last contact between my W and her last OM. Right now, although there is still much room for improvement, I feel that our M is better than it has been in 3 or 4 years. My W had 3 As (2 ONS and 1 EA/PA where the PA lasted 5 months). It can work. I don't know what the future holds for my W and I, but I'm much more optimistic now than I was when I discovered the last A. Read Brian's (eskb) and Awake's threads because they are excellent and may have some nuggets of info for you. The path to affair recovery is not linear - you will have many ups and downs for a very long time. Right now, you must focus on getting your W to stop the A. Since she hasn't expressed any desire to stop on her own, all you may be able to do is make yourself seem more attractive than the OM. You have your homework cut out for you.
The other thing you can do is think through your options about where to go from here, trying to gauge how you would feel as your circumstances may change (read Awake's thread). Decide what your breaking point is (although it may change over time). Are you willing to stick with your M no matter what kind of crap your W gives you? If you are, DBing will have the greatest chance of success over time. If not, then at what point do you call it quits? Only you can answer these questions for yourself. What is right for you will probably be different than for other people on this site.
