i can tell you from my experience, the W is probably very conflicted and very confused.
she is angry at you and resentful of your beeing "asleep" in the past and not allowing your R to be as it should have been. this anger and resentment may be easy to see, or may be burried deep inside. nonetheless, if this is the case, it is causing her to see everything about you and your M in a negative context. she probably knows on some level that the A is wrong - but uses her anger and your "sleepiness" (i.e. neglect) as an excuse to help her fight off the guilt. also, not admitting it to you helps make it less real. my W and i have talked alot about her A, and it is amazing the things that go on in her head. romantically, affectionately, she is totally into the OM. she feels very distant from me. but she does admit that her negative feelings keep her from being objective. the children certainly do help you - but not really in the way you want them to - because they just make her feel more guilty for leaving.
a hard lesson i have learned is that no amount of talking or begging or crying on your part is going to change her mind. she needs to do whatever she needs to do to get some objectivity and decide what she truly wants. you don't want her back just because she is too guilty to leave.
BTW, asking her to cut back on visits with OM is not a real option. even if she agrees, if she is only doing it for you and not bcse she truly wants to, she will not stick to it. and don't you truly want her to pick you over him instead of being coerced into settling for you.
man - i know where you are and i feel for you. sorry. my sitch has been going on for about 3 months now and things are really not any better now. you can find me on this BB if you are interested in my story and experiences.
for what it is worth, my W has told me "i wish when you first found out about my A you had told me to walk away from it or you were walking out the door." she says that early on she was not yet as deeply emotionally connected as she is now, and that the shock of me truly walking out would have snapped her into reality. problem is - you love your W, and you may not be ready to truly walk out - and you can't make that ultimatum until you are fully prepared to back it up. when you have children involved - ultimatums are particularly tough.
