I just need to vent

[Livin4ME]

I understand Phoenix...I know you weren't knocking me...it's just hard to see it.
I wish there was a way to resolve this some other way too. I fight myself everyday as to continue. But I have to finish school. I have 4 weeks left. If I asked him to leave right now, he would find reasons to not be able to help me with the kids. And as much drama is going on right now...it's weird that I can just focus on my schooling. But when he leaves, it brings new drama. And that's the drama I would have a hard time pushing to the side to be able to concentrate on school.
One time during a talk about getting back to the other state, I told him how much I could be making in one of the areas. Just something I saw online for the average salary of the speciality I am going for. That definitely peaked his interest. (He loves money!) I believe it was the same time that he told me she wouldn't go out there without him filing first. We said a couple other things and finally I told him, "It'll be ok. Everything will work out for everyone involved." And I rubbed his back and went to walk away. He said, "Only if you move to ________" And I told him, "You have alot more control over that than you think." and I smiled and continued walking away. He asked what I meant and I just smiled.
With him, just like all narcisists and I'm sure quite a few other people, I have to let him believe it was his idea before he thinks it's a good idea. So hopefully, he'll think about it and then he'll come up with this great idea that we not finalize the D until we get the money to move. That way, there's no reason for me not to move out there if it's really where I want to be. He has access to the kids when he wants them. (2 hours away) I'll be making more money, so he thinks child support will be lower. And he gets his little girlfriend to move out there as well. We can go thru the D proceedings here, then have his lawyer submit the final judgement after we move. He gets his cake and eat it too. The only thing would be for him to convince OW on the plan. Which after everything that has already happened, I really don't see her having a problem with it as long as he living with her thru all this and not me. She used to be a coke head...she replaced her addiction to coke with her addiction to him.
He has made the comment before in the past...he only wants what he can't have. She makes him leave her to come back to me. He wants her back. He leaves me and I go dark, he wants me back. It's a vicious cycle that I have to be the one to end. But in the past, I always went dark because he p*ssed me off. It was a reaction to his actions. But instead of acting on my emotions and letting my anger control what I do, I'm thinking about the consquences of what I do. I have to make sure that I don't shoot myself in the foot with what I do. I'm changing my reaction to his actions.
I know I'm going to get hurt thru all this. It's a D. It's very painful. But instead of me being hurt, no job, no home, not being near support, I'm going to be hurt, with a decent jot, being able to support myself and my children, a place to live and around my support system. That's what keeps me going. Because a few months ago, that's where I was. Packing up my stuff, no job, no money, no family or friends, no direction, about to finalize my divorce and hurting more than ever. I had no control on my life, no control on my emotions, no control on anything. I was lost, contiplating the idea of calling my dr about antidepressants before my insurance was gone. My son would come up to me while I was watching tv and say, "momma please don't cry." I wouldn't even be crying!!! But kids are smart, they feel the vibes we give off.
If I can't be strong for myself, how can I expect to be strong for my kids. My son should not have to be worried about me at the age of 3!! He gonna have a hard life anyways...I don't need to add to it!! At the rate my H is going...my son is gonna wake up one day when he gets older and realize his dad is a piece of sh*t. Not because of me, I will never do anything to make him think his father is anything but superman to him. But that's H's job. H has to show him that. Not me. I just have to prove to him that I'm superwoman!!
Sorry, I know my posts have been long. But this is really the only place I have to put my thoughts out there. And I appreciate anyone who reads them.