My 29 year old wife going through MLC, this sucks

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Here is my sitch. I am a new DBer and this might be long.

Back the beginning of March of 2008 my W starting getting really in to fitness. This was fine at first but started to become obsessive. We fought about it, but by June whe was still going strong and had befriended a male trainer whom is 44 and married. This didn't bother me until she started working out with him outside of the gym. So I confronted her and it did not go well. She was defensive and strange right away. I showed her the phone records that she was talking to him for up to an hour a day. She insisted that they were friends and that was it. BUT...she did tell me she felt she was changing and couldn't stop thinking she got married young and lost time etc. etc. We played that game for a month while she was still talking to him but not seeing him. Then around the beginning of August we started going to MC together and she told me she didn't know what she wants anymore, maybe we should separate etc...

I fell apart, lost it and made things alot worse. So I came to this site and immediately start DBing and reading all of your great posts. I did 180's, took care of myself and was strong. Miraculously by beginning of September she told me that she felt better and that she wanted to be with me but she still had to heal herself and keep going to counceling. We were intimate and I felt great. This lasted all of two weeks when she found that I was still checking the phone records. I firmly believe she is having an emotional affair. She was furious that I don't trust her.

So we went to MC together and now she resents me supposedly for not emotionally supporting her for our now 6 years of marriage, and why should she give me emotional support now when I didn't give it to her, etc.. She then moved to the other side of the house and this is her idea of separated. We still do things as a family with our kids. We talk daily and spend time at night watching TV but she is angry and detached.

I know what I am supposed to do, and I told her that I would give her some time while I take care of myself. She even, on her own made appointments, and has gone to a new therapist to help herself starting today. But I am as lonely as I have ever been in my life. She doesn't know if she wants to work on our marriage, she doen't know if she loves me. She says she MIGHT be done with us.

During this time she has gotten a new piercing, brought home a cat, refuses to let go of this new friendship(something she openly admits she would never let me have with a woman). She is changing right before my eyes.

The DBing is so hard, I cry myself to sleep at night and I miss her so much. How do I keep doing this? How do we summons the strength to go on? I am not a religous person so praying is not in the cards for me. I want her back and want to throw in the towel all at the same time. We have a 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son and they don't deserve this.

She is a stay at home mom, and I don't want to make her go back to work. But it crosses my mind that she should. I have taken up new hobbies etc. But daily, I can't stop thinking about my life just tumbling around me.

Sorry this is so long I hust wanted to get it out somewhere and have someone to listen. You all have been helpful without knowing it and I appreciate in the bottom of my heart.

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I would love any and all advice there is out there. In my heart I believe she can come back to me but my mind is playing games with me. How can love be so cruel? Am I doing the right things? Uhhhgggggg.

Thank you all again.

[missmyfriend]

BSC, some would say (actually most people would say) that it is over for me. My wife has divorced me, she has pretty much left most of her old life behind (she spends little time with our children) and she is moving on with her life (whatever that really means).

But, anything is possible. Do I believe she was telling me the truth, for years, that she loved me? Yes. Do I believe she was telling the truth when she said that she no longer loved me and she didn't to be married? At that time, yes. Does she want to be divorced? I don't know. But I do believe that she does love me. I also believe she is going through some challenges in her life that are hard to explain.

Personally, I believe that most of the WAS/MLC/(insert acronym here) have an "image" problem and cannot decide who they are supposed to be.

If you love her, be patient, take care of the kids and be nice to yourself. Be gentle with her.

Read and re-read Michele's books. And be patient.

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missmyfriend

Thank you for your kind response. I do love and miss my soul mate more than anything. I try to remember this is not her talking but her sickness(for lack of better word) right now. I seem to be cycling between sadness and anger. Finding that calm middle ground has been very challenging for me. I am telling myself to keep treating her with love and repect and she will find the path she needs for herself. But.....I am scared to death of that path not including me.

Thank you again for kind words during this dark time for me.

[missmyfriend]

Cycling between sadness and anger is so normal. Understand that your world has been turned upside down and you are becoming desperate for a foothold onto sanity. None of this makes sense. You knew this person better than anyone and you couldn't imagine this ever happening between the two of you.

The challenge is going back to a place where the madness doesn't have a hold on you. Moving there can stabilize you and prepare you to be that "calm in the storm" she may eventually seek out.

I considered who I would want to come back to if I was caught in this wild ride (from my wife's perspective) and it would be someone who was kind and loving, not desperate, patient, and safe. I also knew I wouldn't want to come back to someone who was telling me that I was the person for them and tried to convince me to do the right thing. I realized that I would prefer someone who was stable while I was unstable.

This is still new for you. I hate to see you here but you are. In the meantime, try as hard as you can to not dwell on the negatives and think that it is over and that she doesn't love you or loves someone else. Chances are she still loves you. As for the OM, it is not about love (and that is not just my opinion).

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I truly am trying to get past the hold of the madness. Today I feel like I am there. Tomorrow, who knows. I find taking my day one hour at a time helps alot and I will stick to that until I can take it two hours at a time.

Your encouragement is really kind. I am one of those people who talks about things to death and right now I have no one, so this forum helps me alot. Thank you.

[missmyfriend]

Use it as much as you need to. Much better here than to people around you. I am sure I have worn out my welcome in a few places, lol.

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Missmyfriend, Can you or anyone recommend which book or books of Michele's might be best for me in my situation. Thank you.

[kelaaron]

Read DR. Read the archives. Read other people sitches. I too am sorry you are here. I have found some very good friends though who make me laugh and cry and they listen to me do both as well.

I feel most for your children. You need to be strong for them. You also need to be strong for yourself. I would really consider checking out rejoiceministiries.com. I know you said you aren't religious but you may be surprised. We all get tested in different ways to try to bring us back. I consider myself more spiritual than religious if that helps. I just believe there has to be something greater out there. I've seen too many things to believe otherwise.

Good luck and try to keep a PMA. It gets easier as time goes by. You can only control yourself, so you can't worry about what she is doing.

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Thank you again. I will go get that book and check out the website you recommended. I have looked at the stages over and over and I think she is at the beginning of withdrawal. She wont talk to me about R, she says she needs to think, she is angry sometimes and taking it out on me. Then at the snap of the fingers she is sad.

I see flashes of the old her there sometimes and it gives me hope. But not enough to bring me out of my fear of her walking out the door. I will stay strong for my children and take care of myself. Today is exactly 9 years since our first date and I don't think she even thought twice about it. Makes me sad.

Thanks again for your help.