Saturday, this song was on my I-POD. It summed up perfectly my feelings for my M:
BOUND BY LOVE Tip-toeing along the line just in case you're not fine I'll give in to your needs cause they just might be what you neeed
Bridge: Even though it's unknown where the two of us will go and what darkness we'll have to see through
Chrous : Cause I'm bound by love and I'm thinking of what could be where there's a will there's a way so will you come out and play with me with me?
Verse Two: For every tear that's caused by me I'll give you space but you know where I'll be waiting just to dry your eyes it's so easy to find our way back once we try
Bridge: even though it's unknown where the two of us will go and what darkness we'll have to see through
Chrous: Cause I'm bound by love and I'm thinking of what could be where there's a will there's a way so will you come out and play with me with me?
Verse Three: The motion of emotion is the thought I fear and the whispers of the future now keep drawing me near, keep drawing me near
Cause I'm bound by love and I'm thinking of what could be where there's a will there's a way so will you come out and play with me with me?
THIS IS WHERE I AM TODAY:
(I prefer the Dixie Chicks version)
I'm Gonna Let Him Fly Ain't no talkin' to this man Ain't no pretty other side Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that I'm gonna let him fly -mmm
Things can move at such a pace The second hand just waved goodbye You know the light has left his face But you can't recall just where or why So there was really nothing to it I just went and cut right through it I said I'm gonna let him fly Oh yeah
There's no mercy in a live wire No rest at all in freedom Choices we are givin It's no choice at all The proof is in the fire You touch before it moves away - yeah But you must always know How long to stay and when to go
And there ain't no talkin' to this man He's been trying to tell me so It took a while to understand The beauty of just letting go Cause it would take an acrobat n' I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly - fly whoa I'm gonna let him fly - fly I'm gonna let him fly - fly
I am done with THAT Marriage. That is all I know for now. This is not my appropriate place (Piecing), but you know I am here so I will stay for this thread and then I don't know.
Last time he left I was tempted all the time to touch him, hold him, rub his arm, say I love him.
Now I think of his face and the pure rage and clenched teeth when he said FU I hate you! I hate you now! I hate you! We are DONE!
(BTW D2 was in my arms at the time).......
I told him this morning I would never forget that. He said he would regret it for the rest of his life. I know he didn't mean it but it makes me keep my distance and I think that was the goal. He actually said last night, "You wanted a reason to hate me? Well now you have it..."
So now he is remorseful of the comment. And I KNOW I have changed, I really have. I am just tired, pretty much all it says in the dixie chicks song. I am worn out from trying even if he says I didn't try. I just want someone to hold my hand and let me cry for a little while...
H would have prob. made an ideal cowboy back in the old days. Focus on himself, his herd, his life. Women would drift in and out of his life, he could have his fun with them and never have to be responsible to anyone or anything but himself and his cows.
BBJ--this did not happen because you came in late with the kids..something else is going on for sure. This stuff does not come out just due to a child not going to sleep on time..he has something else going on somewhere..
OW may be back, maybe she never left, maybe she called and said she was preggo. Who knows? I am in no mood for speculating about her, she is garbage. She IS the woman in Appaloosa, drawn to the Alpha male (Dan was an officer in the company and she made $10/hr), but she will move on to the next Alpha male she encounters....
H told me during our drive that for 3 days he had been walking around with the feeling like "walking into the vet's office to have your dog put down". So this has been brewing. I am certain it is why he hasn't done dialogue with me, why he skipped retro. He is avoiding all of that b/c he just wants out. When he told me how he was feeling on the drive, I said, "That must really suck, sorry you have been feeling that way". I didn't try to offer solutions even though some jumped to mind. I am changing...so I didn't offer to fix it. Just empathized. He held my hand from time to time on the drive, I am a little mad that he let me hug/kiss/hold hands w/him over the weekend if he felt it was over. Granted I initiated but he responded.
H's mom called this morning to ask how Sunday went. She said H was a crabby A$$ on Saturday, banging and stomping around her house and the farm all day/night. She could tell he was in a fould mood and wanted to make sure he hadn't taken it out on me on Sunday. I dodged/avoided, just told her we went for a drive, lunch, and a movie and I enjoyed it (all of that is true). I just left off the rest b/c I will not talk to her about this stuff any more.
I am done for now. I don't want to be done but what do you say to the man who says: he is done, we are fundamentally different, I want to stay married to him "at all cost even if nobody is happy", nothing ever changes, and of course 'I hate you'.
I am not "walking away", I chose the house, I want the house. But I am not doing another thing to put this thing back together. I have been trying for over a year, almost a year and a half. I am out of ideas. I will live my life and move forward the only way I can, focus on me and the kids.
Seeing S's face when we tell him it is over will probably kill the love that remains for H. We did it to S once, then we got back together and just this morning S told H and I "I LOVE my family!". To do this to him a second time may harden my heart for H.
I'm sorry it happened this way, BBJ. You deserve so much better. The way he talked to you last night was abuse. And he did it in front of the kids. For a while now I've been thinking that the wrong person was muttering "I can't take this anymore." Bad mantra. But you are much more entitled to it than he is. I agree with Mike. Either OW is back or he has started medicating his problems with another OW.
Seeing S's face when we tell him it is over will probably kill the love that remains for H. We did it to S once, then we got back together and just this morning S told H and I "I LOVE my family!". To do this to him a second time may harden my heart for H.
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this is what kills me..The kids kill me..Caleigh asks me every time I see her, "when are you coming to my house".. How the helll do you answer that?? Frinkin WAS's...it just gripes my asss..it's the kids that suffer. You can see it on their face..
BBJ - Your son, Kalni's son and my son all seem like such perceptive, sensitive and hoping little boys. It just tore my heart apart to tell him the first time that his mom was most likely not coming back. I really worry about your son being told a second time that his family is breaking up. I cant see how your H is going to handle doing this with you - he is such a chicken sh!t right now.
I think it is what she did to our kids family life that is really making my W feel terrible right now.
