So anyway H comes totally unglued. He tells me that whenever he puts the kids to bed, they actually go to bed. Why does D refuse to go to bed for me? What do I do on the nights he isn't here? Why did I bring them home at 8 pm when I know that is their bedtime? They shouldn't have been to my mom and dad's for that long...I had not changed one bit, all I talk about is how we can make changes but I had not changed at all, all he asked was for the kids to go to bed at 8 and I brought them home at 8
I said, "I had them home at 8. Our plan is to read books and brush teeth at 8 have them in bed at 8:15 I thought I was right on time"
I finally put D to bed at 9:20, S was awake!! He asked why daddy and I were fighting........
Went out and told H, so we stopped talking. H iced his hand from punching the wall, thought he may have really hurt it...Then we talked a little bit. H said he "tried to do the things I want to do" such as movies, going for a drive, etc. But that we are "fundamentally two very, very different people". He said he doesn't like going to the movies--wow who knew? He used to take me to the movies a lot when we were dating, I suppose he did it just b/c I liked it??
He said it was the nicest day of the fall (ok, sure) and I wanted to spend it inside, which meant I didn't "get" him at all. I said not true, the first thing I asked you to do was go for a walk w/me, I would have loved taking a walk around the farm, checking out the cattle, etc....I told H I was always asking about the cows and trying to be more involved in his interests.
H says, "Trying to be involved, you don't fundamentally like what I like you only try to b/c I like it"....I said, No, you know we have talked many times about he first time I looked at you as a possible boyfriend back in high school. The day I passed you in your car and you had your cowboy hat on the passenger seat. I said right then I thought to myself, "I want to be with a cowboy like that." [This was even a dialogue topic at Retro, he knows very well I was attracted to his cowboy-ness]
H says, "You wanted a cowboy to sit on the couch and go to the movies with you"
It proceeded like that and then I just stopped talking, it wasn't helping. I wanted to do everything with him, go to cattle shows, help out in the fields, but we have 2 kids and they are only 6 and 2. The past 2 years D had been to little for me to go out and do chores with Dan much. Now the kids are finally to an age I could get more involved but he says too little, too late.
This morning I told H it was easier seeing him w/OW than hearing him say FU I hate you. He said he knew that and he would forever regret saying that to me. That he did not hate me at all, never had. He loved me, always had, always would.
We are going to hammer out some details tonight as to how to break it to the kids/scheduling/etc. Funny the last thing he did was gather up his stuff for the dry cleaners. He came in to find me and asked me if I had anything he wanted me to take to the cleaners?
Man....he's really not looking inside himself is he?
How on earth did you avoid coming unglued yourself?
"fundamentally two different people" Have heard that from h almost word for word.
My h has acted just like this (with the exception of punching the wall - that's been my bad behaviour). Does he realise that punching the wall (and where were you and the kids at that point) is part of abusive behaviour?
He's acting pretty childish himself in not taking a step back and realising that d is only 2. Doesn't he realise (and he should given that you have an older child in s) that there are nights where they don't go to bed easily? Grr...he makes me cranky.
You understand the concept of marriage. It's not always easy. It seems that he just wants it all to fall into his lap.
Hugs to you BBJ
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Ok BBJ..I have just a few questions..I'm with you here but want more.
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He asked me to decided. I said lets go for a walk, he said no. I said ok then and listed several things including go to movies. He said what movie. I said Fireproof? He said, not today. But I will go to a movie. So we went to see Appaloosa. Very good movie but the lead female character is manipulative and betrays the lead guy at one point. SO I said to H "Maybe this movie was not a good choice" (B/C He often says women cannot be trusted). He said "No this movie shows the truth".
Ok, he gave you control here for a second then took it right back by vetoing the walk. I beleive he knew what Fireprooof was about and I also believe he knew what Appaloosa was about due to the fact he made the statement , "this movie shows the truth".
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I stopped at my moms to get the kids. D had scratched my mom's eyeball, she had a 10% torn cornea! Mom had been to the ER and got shots in her eye, not good. I felt bad about it, stayed a bit to talk to her. Got home w/kids at 8:00.
Did you call Dan and let him know what happened with your mom?? I'm wondering why he went off like he did..I'm looking for reasons..
So anyway H comes totally unglued. He tells me that whenever he puts the kids to bed, they actually go to bed. Why does D refuse to go to bed for me? What do I do on the nights he isn't here? Why did I bring them home at 8 pm when I know that is their bedtime? They shouldn't have been to my mom and dad's for that long...I had not changed one bit, all I talk about is how we can make changes but I had not changed at all, all he asked was for the kids to go to bed at 8 and I brought them home at 8
All that is horse chitt. He knows what the deal is. He should know that when csomehting like that happens with your mom then plans have to be adjusted. He's acting like a child here and not an adult.
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But that we are "fundamentally two very, very different people". He said he doesn't like going to the movies--wow who knew?
If he did not like going to the movies then he should have made another choice..He should have done something else. It was his final decision to go to the movies.
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He used to take me to the movies a lot when we were dating, I suppose he did it just b/c I liked it??
Or to get you?? Maybe??
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He said it was the nicest day of the fall (ok, sure) and I wanted to spend it inside, which meant I didn't "get" him at all. I said not true, the first thing I asked you to do was go for a walk w/me, I would have loved taking a walk around the farm, checking out the cattle, etc....I told H I was always asking about the cows and trying to be more involved in his interests.
H says, "Trying to be involved, you don't fundamentally like what I like you only try to b/c I like it"....I said, No, you know we have talked many times about he first time I looked at you as a possible boyfriend back in high school. The day I passed you in your car and you had your cowboy hat on the passenger seat. I said right then I thought to myself, "I want to be with a cowboy like that." [This was even a dialogue topic at Retro, he knows very well I was attracted to his cowboy-ness]
H says, "You wanted a cowboy to sit on the couch and go to the movies with you"
I don;t rreally get this.. I mean come on..I'm an old country boy...I thought cowboys had a romantic side to them to?? So old cowboy Dan ain't got that?? Lost that has he?? I don't buy it. Dan has the mentality of my way or the highway I think. He loves to think he is in control when he actaully controls very little. He has his M in his hands now and is squeezing the very life out of it.
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We are going to hammer out some details tonight as to how to break it to the kids/scheduling/etc. Funny the last thing he did was gather up his stuff for the dry cleaners. He came in to find me and asked me if I had anything he wanted me to take to the cleaners?
So my last question..it sounds like this is Done?? Are you done?
BobbiJo, Hi! Yes I am still alive and I'm still pulling for you. I'll start by saying WTF. Dan is still a lost man. He is back to acting like my H. Last week H's friend called to tell me he talked to H and H says nothing has changed, he is still done. This is the same guy that wants to stop by and hasn't seen a lawyer 1 1/2 years after saying he wants out.
My H has said a lot of hurtful things too earlier on in the pile of sh--. For whatever reason they want to lash out and hurt us. Dan doesn't hate you, he may hate what has become of his life and your R, but he is too big of a DAM to express that.
Mike asked a good question...are you done? I know some days I am and some I'm not. My T says I'll keep trying and holding on until the day comes when I am tired of being lonely. I told that to a friend and he said I'll never file and neither will H. I don't agree with that, what I do know is that I want to be truly happy again someday. Right now if that means waiting a little longer for H then so be it. However, I do believe there will come a day when I'm done waiting. You have to decide if you are willing to wait, and if you think Dan will ever get it together. You know this isn't all about you.
One more thing, you have changed and you will change, Dan just wants to say you aren't/won't and use that as an excuse.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
What an AZZZZZ! I'm still stuck on the part about your mother's eye. I've had the shots into the eye. There is no more painful experience. If she is like me, she will lose sight in the eye for about 2 months. What happened to her is a serious injury. And instead, he is focusing on how life has departed from his enforced schedule. Your husband is a child who refuses to own up to adulthood. He's had every chance to pull himself together, and he just wants to escape. He will not get far, but he will lose everything he has spent the past 10 years building. He needs a lot of professional help.
He asked why daddy and I were fighting........