TxMom- help I'm still hopeful -#2 post

[faithrunner]

TxMom, Thank you so much for starting this thread. I feel I have a lot in common with you and hope3343. Yesterday when H was at the grocery store with S4, I snooped and found a ton of emails btw him and OW. Tons of ILU in the subject line from him, then no message. Interestingly, only one ILU in return from her over about a week's time. I noticed that he sends her an email from his phone to let her know when I'm not around, when he's going to the store, etc. It makes me sick. I hate that he is in contact with her around our kids. He even sends her pictures of our boys. She is 10yrs older with no kids of her own, and doesn't respond other than "cute!".

That is the background to let you both know that I am struggling with the same issues regarding how to act. Do I really want this man back? I don't know him right now. He looks so depressed, and it makes him physically ill. He's gained a lot of weight and complains he looks old. He doesn't seem like he's having the time of his life, but whatever.

The thing that irritates me is he gives me a play by play of his evenings every morning. I don't believe a word of it. Why does he do that? "Oh I was in bed by 8 last night, I was beat!". Yeah, well living a double life will wear you out! And, every day he is asking me "are we cool, still friends?" I have gotten really good at smiling and saying yes, then quickly moving on to another subject or leaving the room. Distancing is pretty easy because I really don't like him right now. For the past several weeks I go dark during the day at work and he calls and emails multiple times a day! I did see an email from OW saying "is this weekend going to be like last weekend where I never see you?" He does spend both days with us and the kids out doing fun things, hanging at home, etc. He even hugs me goodbye when he leaves at night. And, he offers to watch the kids all the time so I can go out on my own (and I take him up on it.) Why is he so concerned with my GAL?

I hadn't minded all that until I found the emails yesterday. I thought we were moving in a positive direction, now I have no idea. Why was he so concerned about our friendship all weekend? Maybe to alay his guilt. Hope3343, I give you a lot of credit for having to see OW and handling it with grace. That takes a lot of strength. I saw my H's OW picture in her emails, and that is a hard reality check.