A Rough Year - Still!

[1hope]

I guess I missed something about finding drugs in the truck. Oh well.

I probably didn't write a lot about it, it happened early spring when all of this began to come out in the open. I do see it as replay behavior, of when he was footloose and fancy free. It was right after my treatment had finished and I was starting to go back to work. He was also in the middle of his phone EA and starting to turn into someone I didn't know anymore. Funny how things in my life always "happen for a reason". I have always known my H so well. When his MLC began to pick up steam I found several situations where he told me lies. One Sunday I was out in the yard cleaning out vehicles and went to put a tool box into his truck. When I turned to close the door I found a small bag of coke sticking out of the door pocket. I confonted him, he lied and I flipped out!!!! I have zero tollerance for anything not legal. I did counsel with an atty at that point but short of actually filing for divorce, there was not much they could help me with.

After I thought things thru a bit I realized it was all part of his MLC trying to relive his bachelor days...when he used to dabble in some recreational use. He told me that he had been offered it in a bar and thought why not? After he had it he realized that it was not a thing that he wanted to go back to, so he tossed it in the door pocked and forgot about it. ?? Whatever. I have been watching very closeley and really don't think the behavior is being repeated. I was very plain that if I uncover any more I will have him arrested. He knows that I will do it. That is part of the reason that he only will go to our local pub now, and not any of the larger bars that he was going to before. He told me that he wanted to be in a situation where I would feel secure in knowing that anything "off" would get back to me. What logic. Why not just come home and spend time with me, like we used to? Oh, I forgot, right now you'd rather not be reminded that you have a W. I keep forgetting.

You are right about the space. I try to give him as much as I can when he gets in these moods. It isn't easy, and sometimes it's as if there is an infection in him that has to be vented out so he can go back to feeling normal. Then, the more space that I give him the more he presses to fight. When his bad feelings have all been let out, he suddenly gets nice again, and it's like it never happened. Very strange.It isn't easy to put up with. I have to keep reminding myself that it is replay and that he is the one in pain. I try not to listen or believe any of the things that he says. If I do, it does hurt my selfesteem. That is part of why I enjoyed myself so much on Friday night. I got my ego stroked by some of his very own friends. It was heaven. In fact, I got an invitation to go out after the bar closed, which I was smart enough to say "thanks, but no thanks!" It did wonders for my feelings though.