How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

[Sam1007]

Thanks a lot for checking in on me again! I really appreciate your advice and pointers! As before, even without knowing me, your comments are right on the $$!

Perhaps by feeling like you are her very best friend, it is too much of a "brotherly" thing and that is why she does not have the sexual attraction there. So, I would suggest you not come across as a "brother" in friendship or any other way. Ever wonder why some girls went after the "bad boys"? Just a thought. I'm not saying to start being bad to her, but stop doing anything that comes across as a "girlfriend" (no offense intended) b/c she can always have girl friends but you want to be her lover. Being friends in a MR is great, but since she is feeling like you are more her "brother" then I think you need to work on getting a different image across to her. For example, don't go clothes shopping with her.....that is something her girlfriends can do.

This does hit really close! We have gone shopping together before, even clothes shopping. She never really was interested in dressing up due to her self-esteem and weight, so I wanted to show her that she can look good by helping her pick out stuff that I think looks good on her. Writing this, I feel like such a gay "girlfriend" LOL Having said that, we haven't done this in a while (couple of months) and even then I have been taking the kids to a toy store or something while she's in the store.

I don't mean to sound curel when I say this, but once a woman has lost that sexual attraction, almost everything her H does is a complete "turn-off" to her. So, these long letters and emails are seen to be too needy to her. I know what you were trying to do and understand it completely, but I'm just telling you how it comes across to her.

I have realized that a while ago. Those long emails were in response to her long emails while I was overseas in Nov and Dec last year. This hasn't happened since then!

I am sure you were trying to apply the DB rule here even if you had not read about it yet, but she is seeing you in a different light than what you are wanting to protray.

I had not read anything about DB or anything else. I was just thinking how would she want to stay with someone that's always miserable, that's all. She did say that she saw my point. Of course, this was back in Jan. She has not said anything of the sorts since then. I'm a little confused by your comment at the end. Are you saying that it's making the wrong impression on her? Or was I just overdoing it a little bit?

As bad as it sounds, this is about the worse type of "neediness" that you can show her. She wants to see a strong confident man that will take charge and have sex appeal. If you do what she needs, you won't have to beg her to come back.....she will fly back to you.

I realize that I shouldn't have done this. However, I wasn't crying or anything. I just wanted to make it clear to her that my feelings for her are still there. I told her this in a calm voice, not like I was falling apart. After I said that I still love her very much, she did come sit next to me and put her head on my shoulder, that's actually when I told her I miss her.
I am a little confused about the "take charge" comment. How is taking charge compatible with "dropping the rope". Or do you mean taking charge of my own life not ours?
I also am not clear on what she needs. There are still some fixing things at her shop that ned to be completed. Would that be something that I should just go over and do, unasked?

She knows you've been talking when family talk to her and it makes her feel betrayed. However, don't try to go explain anything, just don't say anymore about it.

I did not explain anything to her on why I did talk to them. However, I did tell her yesterday, in a calm, honest way, that I want her to know that I know I betrayed her trust when I told her parents about stuff she confided in me and that it won't happen again and that I want her to know she can come to me to talk about anything without worry that I will tell anybody else.

I know emotional intimacy is important to maintain, that is why I wanted to say that. Last June, the MC asked her if she felt emotionally intimate with me and she said that she was. To which the MC said that that is needed first in order to start feeling physically intimate.

If you have an idea of a man you think shows much sex appeal and strength as a man, try to see if you can incoporate that style into part of your personality. It takes works and lots of practice, but some have found it to be worthwhile. Marriage has a way of changing people for the worse without them realizing it. So, I'm just trying to point some things out that you can start working on trying to improve yourself. Like I said, the main thing right now is not to do anything to remind her that you are a brother!

I read about someone trying to behave like James Bond. I sure see the sex appeal to that kind of man. However, it seems to me that he gets into women's minds by sweeping her of her feet and then abandoning them. Basically, he lets them get real close and then pulls away. At first, I wasn't sure if that is the right approach here, but thinking about it... I think the underlying reason why detaching works is because you make them want what they cannot have. You're basically "reeling" them in by pulling back a little further every time they come closer. Don't know if that's how it works, but that is how imagine it works.

Any thought about my thoughts. Should I look at it this way?

Thanks again everybody!