Thanks Sep for also highlighting the names that we call each other. It really doesn't bother me one little bit, but when things improve it is something to think about. It's really just the way that we both are, making fun of each other and being sarcastic. However I'm never offended by this kind of feedback, so feel free to mention things like this any time!
Last night was uneventful. H came to bed, and we both read for a bit. H woke up at 6 though to use the bathroom, and came back and cuddled with me full on!!! He then said I was too hot, and I said I was getting sick, so he suggested staying home from work today. This was actually pretty sweet, but I wanted to avoid the whole "home" topic, so I just said I'd go in and if I felt bad later could leave. We joked around in bed for a bit, and now I am up drinking coffee.
I saw him put his laptop in his work bag last night, so now I know he is not leaving for a business trip today. Me staying has not come up again, and it's now Monday. This is bizarro world...So my goal now is to leave the house before he gets up. If we make it through a few more days of this, it will be bizarre but good.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So H IMs me while at work to talk about the living situation, and how is IS trying but needs certainty. He so seems to want to push this to a decision, and he keeps saying he just doesn't know if he can do this. I am pretty upset, and I am going to go home early now. I can't believe he did this while I was at work. Again I got the "I'm not in love with you" via IM. Of course I said a lot of things too, mainly don't push me away, and I really think we need to be around each other to try and see how things work. Now he says he is comfortable, and likes the dynamic, but feels caged. He wants to talk tonight, and I am pretty concerned. I have made it very clear what I want, but it seems as though he is unwilling to bend anywhere. I know for a fact that our best chance of making this work out is to be around each other more. I just am not sure of the best way to make this happen.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hey ITH... if he says he feels caged... then the loving thing to do is to open the door. Its no good YOU saying "I think the best way for this to work is to be around each other" as HE is the one with the problem? Unfortunately, you dont have the power here, he is taking it all, he must feel the need to do that so all you can do is relinquish it. I had to, and I understand that now.
I'm so sorry that he did that to you, I guess I was waiting for him to 'blow', but dont panic, I thikn if you give him what he wants, in a respectful, loving way, kind of, I love you, I am always here, but I set you free... who knows, he may cycle back around and realise that he DOES want to be with you.
I know its so hard. I'm thinking of you,
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thing is he actually was suggesting still that while I stay with my friend that there are also certain nights that I should stay at the house. He then said that I should stay 3 nights with my friend this week and all of November, but that during November I'd stay some nights at home too.
I actually think what I am going to do, and in a way it's anti-DBing but is STILL a 180 from this summer, is to put together a suggested calendar of nights I stay at home and nights I stay with him. I have been saying to him all along that we should just take things how they come, but this makes him really anxious for some reason. So, I am going to propose 3 months in the same way that he had proposed 3 months to me, but with all of these built in dates staying other places. Anyway I am going to have this calendar of dates ready if it seems appropriate in the conversation, but will not send it to him in advance or anything.
He really confuses me. This morning he was actually loving, so I am really shocked that he sent me an IM during work hours in the way that he did. I just don't understand what his issues are...
Any interesting astrological updates I should be aware of today?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I am so sorry that he choses to talk via IM about such important subject matters and knowing that you are at work is very disrespectful!! You should put your foot down about this and tell him that he needs to stop and that you do not need to be upset while you are at work and conversations like that are better handled face to face.
How about you give him a blank calander and ask him to fill in when HE wants you to be home. That way you are not pushing or 'controlling' the situation and you are letting him have the options. Also you should ask him if you guys can alternate some nights when he doesn't want to be around you he can go to a friends house so it is not like you are the only one always leaving the comforts of your home and he can have a taste of what it feels like not being in his own home.
Yeah I think I am going to mention the IM thing tonight. I did say it today, that it was really too bad this came up at work, and that this was not good. He just said "sorry".
I am sooooo confused. He keeps saying that he is trying, but I have no idea how he is actually trying. Then he also said a few times that he felt really comfortable and the dynamic was good. So then it was back to him feeling so unhappy, which I am convinced has nothing to do with me.
I know that if I push TOO hard, he will end up making an unfavorable decision. I don't think he realizes that things will be even worse in terms of his happiness if he says that he just wants it to be over. Anyway like I said now he wants to talk tonight, and ugh I am trying to prepare myself for it all. He actually IS very receptive to the things that I say, but I need to phrase things in such a way that it is still clear that I am listening to him. My idea for choosing the dates myself is that he is really frustrated with me being "unclear" about dates for things. Perhaps then I can have the calendar ready with some suggested dates, but say that these were just my initial ideas and that if he had others we could look at it together.
My goal for tonight is to get him to agree to a 3 month trial of living together, with nights spent apart over the first 6 weeks.
Obviously there are even better outcomes than that which I would like to see, but this is the one that I think is most likely to be accepted, but somehow I still want it to come from him...this will be a challenge ;). Maybe people on the board will think I am crazy, but I am still seeing positives, and I still feel like there is a good chance for a positive outcome from tonight's talk IF I can control myself emotionally. It seems like he ALWAYS needs these outbursts.
Anyway...think good thoughts for me. I am going to spend some time reading the Secret, and trying to get into an "as-if" mode.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Yes there is a lot of positives in your situation...we were only focusing on the bad ones recently but there is still good!! First off you are living together!! Very good positive as there has been no screaming matches and you have been GAL and giving him space. Plus he has been responding in some situations and acting like before like wanting to show you things on his video games, etc.
Tonight you already know what you need to do about trying to control your emotions and not telling him how he feels so I think you will do great!!
Just from my experience last year when h and I were *trying* to date. I organised seeing him once a week and it kind of back fired as it didn't let him miss me as he knew he was going to see me. I did it because it eased my anxiety.
If I were to do this again now I would not organise a schedule. I would leave it to him to organise it. Look at his actions, he cuddles you, you both ml, he calls you down to look at his computer games - he still likes having you around whatever he says so there is no fear that you will be out of contact with him.
The biggest concern that I have is that HE feels the need for a deadline and timeline. I totally prefer what you say Julia, in terms of not setting a schedule. On IM today though he said that while I stayed at my friend's house I could also stay some nights at the house which "we would decide in advance." I guess this is the reason I was trying to be proactive with the schedule. I wanted to let him know that I was listening to him...
So I think tonight what I want to lead with is that it has been a lot to take in just coming into the house and suddenly spending so much time together. My 180 will be to say that maybe he's right and that it was too much. While I don't believe this for myself, I do believe it for him and his feelings, so it will come across as genuine. I may even say something like I thought that he was doing better than he actually is, and that I didn't realize my presence was still so upsetting to him. If I can say this very matter-of-factly and without looking weepy, it just MIGHT give him the chance to deny that my presence is an issue. Even if he doesn't, I don't think there will be any harm done with this statement. It is NOT fun to validate the things that H says, but I am going to do my ABSOLUTE best to do this for the majority of the conversation. I do have an end goal from the conversation, but my credibility will be a lot higher if I listen to everything he says first.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just a suggestion how about instead of telling him how you think he is feeling you start the conversation off asking him how he feels about the weekend and how it went? Listen to what he says and validate (even though it might not be true but you know how he does twist thinks so be prepared).
