Yes, it's a cold stroll from the tub to the house, but the tub is placed on the deck less than 12 feet from the back door. The deck was built for the tub, so it has it's own level with railing. I have big plush terry robes and extra large bath towels to wrap up in, so that is comfy. Also, a nice pair of Crocs are necessary to slide your feet into, I don't like to do bare toes on snow & ice. I had my coffee out there this morning while H was slow in getting out of bed. It was still dark and I listened to deer argue over the apples on our tree. I could also hear a coyote howling out in the woods. It was a pretty relaxing start to the day.
H's rants at me are so childish, but I have grown so used to them that I really don't take them personally any more. I know that he is reacting to his own pain. The things that do bother me are when he says that he doesn't love me, is not attracted to me, he would not have been talking to the EA if our marriage had been strong, does not want to be with me, that he is unhappy and wants me to leave, he does not want to come home if he knows that I am going to be there. Those things hurt me badly. It wasn't all that long ago that he used to tell me that he would get a warm fuzzy feeling inside coming home at the end of the day and seeing my car already in the drive. I don't know.
He insists that the problems are not because of drugs or another woman. He says that it is about the fact that he has realized how short life is and he does not like me or my personality. He also does not like my body. He says that he is not attracted to me any more, that my having cancer has "done something" to him. I know that this is more about him than me. I know that he is terrified that I might get sick again and die, he said as much last weekend. I guess I just need to work on my patience and my forgiveness.
I did express my boundaries again about the drugs. We were having an ugly R talk Saturday morning. I tried to avoid but he pushed and pushed until me made me angry. He told me that he was going to see an atty and file for D and that he would have me served at work in the middle of a meeting just to make the whole thing worse. I told him that I had ALREADY seen an atty and could have him served on Monday if I so chose. That surprised him a bit. He said, well if you don't want a D why would you see an atty? I told him it was after I had found the drugs in his truck. That I was worried he might do something to put our farm in jeporady. That kind of let the steam out of the arguement. I went into another room to fold some laundry. Later I came out to him and told him that I did not want a D., but I would not stand in his way if that was what he had to have. I told him that I loved him and did not want to D him. Things calmed down after that and we did manage to have some good time together. Some days I feel like I am the one in the washing machine, and not the clothes.
I know that he is burried somewhere inside himself. I have to quit expecting him to come out on my schedule.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
