TXmom - This is still so fresh for you - barely 2months since the bomb and 1 mo since H moved out. My DB coach described these A as "addictions" and the OW are the "suppliers". We have to keep in mind that OW is most likely not the person they are presenting themselves as toward our H. H have cried on their shoulders, so they know EXACTLY how NOT to behave around them. They have the upper hand right now. Of course your H doesnt feel comfortable there right now. All they see is every positive attribute of OW and every negative attribute of us and it is all WAY overexaggerated. My H wont hardly step foot in the house anymore, even when he stops to visit kids. And for right now that is fine with me b/c although I miss him dearly, I have learned to be comfortable in my own space and when he is there it almost feels like a violation, b/c he is not the man I once knew anyway. I posted a question on T2L's thread. Is it better to distract H so there is "less time with the OW"? or is it better to let them go and hope the MORE time they spend together, the quicker they'll get sick of each other and get it "out of their system". If we do the first option then there is more opportunity for them to realize the changes we've made in ourselves. If we go the second option then does more time spent with OW draw H closer to her? I have a tendency to lean toward letting them go and detatching b/c it is the only way they will see the error of the choices they've made. b/c like I said, the OW probably wont be able to keep "the act " up for too long - then H will see their true colors. I pointed out to my H that I couldnt respect his OW for allowing herself to pursue a MM, especially the H of her friend. What does that say of her character? He was speechless and I think it made him think a bit, but this is an internal struggle for them. Its like the devil on one shoulder (OW of course) and the angel on the other (us of course). That must have been devestating for you to know that H and OW were going to church together - the church where you were married. That is like sacred ground - almost as bad if he had her in your bed. My 16yr anniversary was Friday evening and H spent it with OW and all the kids. OW was also there Saturday b/c I heard them in the background. Makes me sick - even after I express my displeasure about OW being around the kids he still does it. I know there's been days she wasnt around when kids were with him, but I have a feeling he just cant keep her completely away even if he wanted to b/c she is "forcing" herself into the picture. BTW, is there anyone else, family or friends that could help watch your kids for you? I know they need their daddy but I think being around other loving family and friends is a positive for them also. I dont know what Id do without my grandmother and mother to help with my kids when I am at work.
Hope3343 and twinhope - My H said just after he asked for D that we could still be "friends". Funny, his words and actions have been far off from friendly. I am torn between being nice, neutral, or standing up for myself ( in the most respectfully assertive way of course). I guess we just have to go with the flow - decide which behavior is most appropriate for the particular circumstance at hand. But no matter what behavior I exhibit, H is generally pretty cold and distant these days. He can hardly even look me in the eye. And Hope, I feel your pain having to see OW. I was so glad baseball season was over, only to find out H will be coaching S11 basketball and OW's son will be on that team too! Her kid has never even played basketball in the last 4 years Ive known them, eventhough ironicly, I had suggested for the last couple of years a bunch of these boys should play basketball together during the "off" season.
I ordered "surviving an affair" from Borders . I will read and decide about the plan A/B thing. Twinhope, if you feel in your heart it is time for plan B then go for it and keep us posted. I would be kinda leary about giving a hug and kiss though. If you're ready to turn yourself off to him emotionally ( which I think is what plan B is?) the whole hug/kiss thing might negate that message. Also , if you dont mind me asking, you say H is giving you child support. Is this decided through atty/court or did you make agreement between yourselves? My H started withholding his paychecks from our checking about 2 1/2 months after moving out and pays only $600/mo for 3 kids based on form 14 for child support which is completely preliminary based on our incomes and time kids spend with each of us. My grocery and school lunch budget per month alone is almost that. What about their other necessities- clothes, medical copays, medicine, their use of shelter and utilities, and misc expenses (school related expenses and entertainment). So unfair.
OK, Im going to visit T2L's thread. Good night.
me- 36 H -38 M- 16yr T 21yr S14 D11 S11(twins) IDLYA 6/18 H moved out 6/19 H confessed A and asked for D 7/4 H consulted atty about 5 or 6 weeks ago Havent been "served" yet
