Tonight's not looking good because my daughter doesn't have plans and I'm not comfortable being that far away when she's alone. As it is, her father only chooses to see her 1 hour a week so he's not an option.
Yesterday my parents watched my daughter's swim meet and seemed to enjoy it. My dad is very frail and I was sitting behind him on the bleachers. My knees provided support for his back. I found I was at ease around him, not having the usual queasy underlying angry bitter buzz around me. I actually put my hands on his shoulder, sending comfort. I haven't willingly touched him my entire life. Today before I took him and my brother to the airport, I asked my brother to take a picture of the two of us, another first. My arm wrapped around his waist and my smile was big and sincere. I was at peace with my father.
What a wonderful feeling. Although his actions were appalling and terrible, I learned and was motivated to let it go. This is a silver lining to the emotional chaos going now.
I've spent my life being angry and negatively effected by the actions of a male who was supposed to protect me. When spouse left, it was a double whammy.. the first man I ever trusted was leaving and my father was at death's door simultaneously. It was horrendous. I knew I didn't want to repeat the same agony with losing my life partner.
Being able to forgive a father for his perversion should make it easier to let go of the anger and loss of a spouse selfishly leaving for his own reasons without giving me a say.
My dad mentioned how much it meant to him when I'd thanked both him and mom years ago for all they gave and how they were the absolute best parents they knew how to be. Many things they did were brilliant (like when I was in the car accident and the full body cast).. and he added, "especially after my history with you."
Spouse had written an email several days ago that I had not responded to because it's been so busy. Last night I received a follow up email saying that since I don't respond to emails, that I hung up on him and am manipulative and rude to not contact him or reply to the email.. that all communication will go through the lawyers or court system.
The last time we talked I said based on our inability to communicate effectively everything would have to be through the lawyers. What is truth is based on an individual's perspective. I know he feels he's absolutely correct on his take on things, just as I view many of his actions skeptically.
The funny thing.. sad thing.. is: After spending tens of thousands of dollars we'll end up with a settlement that will follow how the court would divide assets.
You can't tell him anything.. and I'm where I have to trust my lawyer implicitly.
Weird.
My mindset is that he and I were the best spouses we could be to and for each other based on our own baggage, strengths and flaws. The way we failed each other is so sad and the toll our children have to face is almost unforgivable. Letting go, finding the good in what has failed, learning and praying for him and forgiveness are all steps toward healing AND becoming a much better person in general.
It's neat to read of everyone finding interest and confidence in members of the opposite sex. I'm just not ready (especially while legally married) but know that you never know what is around the corner.
*hugs*
PS.. still no cadre of gentlemen to fill my harhim.. will have to get more involved to get used to talking to men again as a single/separated woman.
Gyps....the thought of dating anyone right now is down right scary to me. How can I ever trust anyone again? I never want to go through this pain again. But, I also know that this is me still healing from the fallout. When we chose our H, we DID make a good choice. They were with us for many, many years. Something inside them broke, something that we did not see. So they left and we still tried. That makes us pretty incredible people in my book. We could not forsee this happening, but cant live in fear that it will happen again. I truly believe that the lessons on how to better communicate and how to fill my own love bucket will make it so when I do find the next H, it will be an even better match. The old ugly problems will not keep repeating because I took the time to learn how to be a d@mn good spouce. Can our WAHs say that? No, not at all. The have only learned to run when things get very hard.
Take your time and when you are ready you will know. There is no need to rush anything. I dont believe in rebound relationships because to me that is a form of using another soul just to try and find yourself. I want to KNOW myself as deeply as possible before I start to look. Just my opinion. Thinking of you.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
You are amazing Gyspy. So many people in your situation cannot find peace, cannot find the inner strength to heal. You have gone beyond that point. I am proud to know you.
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I know he feels he's absolutely correct on his take on things, just as I view many of his actions skeptically.
Unbelievable how true that is. We see our view, they see theirs, and honestly neither one of us is interested in even trying to understand the others. Ours is irrational in their eyes, and theirs is impossible to comprehend, since their behavior is so foreign to us.
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It's neat to read of everyone finding interest and confidence in members of the opposite sex. I'm just not ready (especially while legally married) but know that you never know what is around the corner.
Take out the separated part, and I am right there with you.
When I think of all the crapola that's been going on, I have an image of an EKG with the heart beat racing with adrenaline.. beepbeepbeepbeepbeep with the spikes high and close together. As things calm, the heartbeat goes back to normal with an occasional racing.
The thought of dating was a beepbeepbeepbeep. Now I realize that if and when I'm ready.. it's a DATE.. not a lifetime commitment. It's a couple of hours out of my life, not years of knowing someone. It's not a plunge to swim the English Channel, it's a toe tickled by the scant froth of a receding wave. It's temporary, not permanent. It goes at my pace, it goes as fast or as slow as feels right.
If I feel guilty, I ask myself why. If I feel pressured, I say no thank you. If it's great, I'll consider more!
But..
Fear is taken out of the picture. Heck.. fear is what got me where I am today.. being afraid to risk, being afraid of rejection, not being found worthy, now knowing how to resolve things.
Now granted, I feel like a weenie if I'm talking to someone about my insecurity. It feels true and fake at the same time. It's like I know I'm better than that but I still get the old message churning. It's still more comfortable to be anxious but not as much fun.
Just because I hold hands with a guy doesn't mean I'm walking down the aisle.
Just because I kiss a man doesn't mean I'm in love.
I can enjoy those feelings for what they are.. delightful and pleasurable while learning what is good, what I deserve and what brings joy to another. Respectful with no intentions or expectations.
Sounds like a good theory. We'll see how it works in practice... err... at some point in time!
My father has been dodging the tugs of mortality about 12 times so far when he was at death's door and some how made it back. Each time has taken a little more out of him. With only 10% of his heart muscle remaining it's incredible what he accomplishes.
Each time something dire happened he would be very open and loving. Once he recovered it was back to the grouchy domineering father who was a bit hateful to be around. Each time I'd struggle to forgive and let go. I couldn't imagine anything worse then yelling at his gravestone with all sorts of unresolved feelings. I'd WORK on it.. succeed a little yet always fail.
This was the first time he took accountability without a 'but' added. This was the first time I talked to him without anger... just stating my understanding of what I sought in my life, my future. I know bitter and angry.. and I sure don't want that anymore.
A friend in AA told me to learn to pray for forgiveness for the person who hurt me. I always thought to pray I would have already forgiven. Apparently you can pray something like... "Even though I'm so angry and don't think this f&cking person deserves a break, help me pray to forgive him." Not being perfect is a wonderful thing!
This morning when I was getting ready, I kept feeling like I had to put on perfume. I was too busy but in the end went upstairs did that spray in the air thing and twirled around as the miniscule droplets fell. I had an impression that someone was supposed to remember the pretty scent and something good would happen in the future.
I spend a lot of time smiling, engaging folks with my eyes though I still avoid going out of my way to talk to guys. Being positive, having a sense of joy that radiates are good attributes to embrace and share.
He'd left a message for my daughter on her cellphone and she returned the call. She came up and cuddled close saying they were going to dinner on Wednesday and that he wanted his mail.
insert cartoon image of steam blowing out
What part of not putting the kids in the middle does this come under?
and why would you even attempt it if you know this?? Cheeseless tunnel maybe? Dog chasing it's tail maybe?
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The thought of dating was a beepbeepbeepbeep. Now I realize that if and when I'm ready.. it's a DATE.. not a lifetime commitment. It's a couple of hours out of my life, not years of knowing someone. It's not a plunge to swim the English Channel, it's a toe tickled by the scant froth of a receding wave. It's temporary, not permanent. It goes at my pace, it goes as fast or as slow as feels right.
If I feel guilty, I ask myself why. If I feel pressured, I say no thank you. If it's great, I'll consider more!
But..
and all this is what it is...it's called dating. In my sitch...I'm married on paper only..and that paper is about burned..so dating, having a good time, going out in my mind does not spell rebound..it spells living..
I see where you are. I see how each are at their own place in their sitch.
Sex is a three letter word (I refer to it as "huh?") that exists in the same realm as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. It is a delusion while married since it doesn't really exist. It was also created so that it would be easier for priests to remain celibate. We're all one in the same... except we believe they don't have it (since sex doesn't exist).
Sex only applies to the gender of a baby and various stages of aging. Although a popular misconception is that one must HAVE sex to beget a child, one must simply be of two opposite sexes to have that bear fruit.
Kissing, flipping the bird at inopportune times and playing with firetrucks are what really cause pregnancy in females (along with the occsaional transgender individual). The "G" spot is nonexistent. Think of the word 'sigh'. Do you hear a G? No. Any letter you cannot hear continues the conspiracy of sex (for pleasure, frustration, etc) being real.
Of course personal.. errrmmm.. pleasure does exist. That is why the internet was created to allow others to be personal on an individual basis titillating only their mind and other responsive areas. These feelings can be recreated by gender.. women on a shopping spree, men with the remote during an exciting football game. However since most people want to improve their typing skills, internet interactions tend to be favored.
To debunk the theory that the male plug is made for the female socket, let me say "Whoa! Never heard such hootenanny in my life." The male appendage when.. motivated.. is the perfect cleaning accessory. It's very handy for hanging small washcloths (oops, forgot about the frail male ego).. hand towels (little ones), neckties and the occasional thong. A man's erection is a misnomer since it is parallel to the ground, creating a cute pup tent when clothed. I prefer the term 'levitation'.
A woman's innards continue to be mysterious, except when it comes to birthing babies (another popular myth. Babies come from duffle bags made of breathable fabric. When the mother howls at the perfect pitch of a zipper unzipping, the baby is lifted from the bag, rolled in gook and handed to the doctor with a tip expected. Actually, elevators would never exist if it weren't for a woman's vagigi. The rhythmic gripping was the inspiration for people size containers sliding up and down a cable smoothly. On a side note, 'muzak' was created for elevators to jam any sexual thoughts potentially awakened while in the conveyance. The sex in the elevator fantasy only occurs in non muzak elevators.
It is with great sorrow that I educate you on the realities of life but hope that true knowledge will ease any imaginary desires you think you feel.
*hugs*
(... now those are a completely different subject!)
