Today I spent some time thinking about all the hurt I've been through the past ten years. It all started with the events that caused me to crash, but it was sustained by the periodic injection of instability in my marriage by my W.
I found myself stuck in low self esteem, and going through cycles where she would bail or withdraw and I'd have to put what little energy I had into fixing things. Things would be 'good' for a while but I'd still find myself slowly deteriorating and feeling alone. How do you feel alone in a marriage with someone who loves you?
I realized it was because I felt like I was the only one making decisions. The only one working hard even though I hurt every day.
My W talks about how much she's been hurt the past ten years. But you know, she hasn't had to endure the pain of rejection, of having your family broken apart 3 times, of being told that your spouse has found their soulmate. Or that they just can't be married to you.
And our kids have had to endure the breakup pain also.
This week one of my goals is to clean up the yard. I've let it fall apart. The pool is dirty and the grass is dying because the sprinklers have been broken a while.
I just didn't care.
I need to care because the girls see this and even thought it doesn't affect their day to day life, it's the message that 'Dad doesn't care' that I have to change.
I do care, and life without W isn't unbearable. Just getting through the sadness is taking time.
