Please allow me to cut-and-paste from another board what I spent a good part of the day typing.
Post #1 Dear Soon-to-be Friends,
I need all of the help and advice I can get. Let me start with a simple summary:
> Met: Labor Day, 1978, first day of college for both. > Age difference: less than 2 months > Friends very quickly > Dating: February 1979 > Serious: May 1979 > Married: June 1981, graduation week > Her career: off to med school, then residency, then private practice > His career: IT Management to pay for med school > Income ratio: 56% (hers) to 46% (mine) > First Son born: March 1987 > Second Son born: September 1990 > Never slept a night apart mad in 30 years until last month. > Initial argument/separation: Sept 4 > First big problem: Sept 19, she called the Sheriff to report that she felt threatened by my return. > Second big problem: Sept 21, she called the Sheriff again to report that I was harassing her (I was.). During the incident my heart rate went too high (I have endocrine cancer). I was taken by squad to the hospital. She cut off all support and contact with my entering the squad. > Domestic Violence Protection Order (which she now admits was a lie calculated to win the possession of the house): Sept. 23 > Divorce Filing: Sept. 24 > Checking account empty: Sept 25 > My release from hospital: Sept 25 > She continues to act very hostile, canceling joint accounts, changing my address, not letting me get to my medications still in the house, and worse.
--How do I reconcile?
I first fear that she's had a mental breakdown. Second I fear that I'm as blind as a man could be. How could I have missed the warning signs? What should I have seen? I have to put away the anger fast if I hope to save this wonderful marriage of 27 years to an amazing wife. I've asked my doctor to schedule time with a professional, but it's going to be weeks yet. I knew that putting the anger away is a "band-aid" until I can resolve it. (As an aside, I have something called the "Hitler test" (Godwin in 1 post!). If in 1945, you were in front of Hitler as he collapsed and you had information that might save his life in the ER would you get in the squad? I find that most everyone answers positively. But my wife didn't, so to her... I'm worse than Hitler, and as far as I know I've never started a world war.)
Here's what I believe she's told me the problem is (Remember since the squad run I've not seen or heard from her.)... > I'm difficult to get along with (that's true. I have cancer pain and effects.) > I've squandered her wealth on a business I started in January. (The business can move over $5K/day in revenue, but has $125K of debt. We make > $270K/year. The book value of the business (before debt) is $141K. I will probably always want to have debt vice stockholders, so that the family can retain control.) > I refuse to see that she can't handle the $175K total consumer debt.
Now here's the environment. The Magistrate has ordered me not to contact my wife in any way. I want so much to say that I'm sorry and that I'll work hard to fix what is wrong with me. Her therapist recently provided her with the mantra something like: "I would prefer that all communications from my ex-husband come through my lawyer. Thank you." She actually said that with obvious script-reading to my elder son. He was at the time telling her what I'd said to him about reconciling.
To answer some expected questions:
> Have either of you had affairs: no. > Have either of you been physically violent with the other: not in a long time > Do either of you have a history of mental illness: I suffer from dementia and emotional problems from the cancer; otherwise, no. > Do either of you have a history of violence: no > Does she still love you: Yes. She told my son that last week > Do you still love her: adamantly > Is there a third person that she respects that can get your feeling across to her: My elder son was the best, last hope. She is really disconnected from others. > How are the proceedings proceeding: We agreed to modify the protection order this week. We don't have much to argue about. We might have an agreement in principle as early as Friday.
If anyone wants, I will gladly type up the entire history. I hope though from what I see here in other threads that this post is a good start.
Please help me. Thanks, Frank
Post #2 Let me take the questions one-by-one who is she hanging out with? Me. We're best friends and love to do everything together. We don't even go with other couples as a rule. Since the separation, she's hardly left the house (I hear.)
Who does she work with? Her office is all female (no hints of bi-sexual interests), other doctors, nurses, assistants. Her work calendar is always booked. Her days off scheduled months in advance. I also have full transparency to cell phone bills and all finances.
There is one new person on the scene, her therapist. I don't expect a typical affair, but I'm starting to believe that he's a cult-like advocate for battered women. Perhaps it's not sexual, but just controlling. I know that they had to deal with her past and possible abuse. I wonder if he accidentally caused a transference to the present. (Just to be clear, I absolutely am not physically abusive. I'm worried though that with my cancer I might have been so rough verbally at times to be abusive.)
I can positively state, with typical male pride, that cuddling, intimacy, sex, and other quality time are all still here. For example, on a lazy Sunday morning recently, after she had a stressful week I spent three hours just massaging her while she dozed off and on. I regularly brush her long beautiful hair for her. (No snickering, guys.) We still stroke each other casually as we move by each other around the house. Sex for her is outstanding. She teetered about the house one Saturday morning late August, giggling for no apparent reason.
I called every common friend today to ask what I needed to improve, and whether they still saw the love between us. Without exception, they commented on W's clear affection and happiness. One said that during my hospital stay W told her that I needed to see a therapist. (Mr. doctor is scheduling an appointment now.) I can say without reservation that during the heat of the arguments in September, I was the worst jerk. I wrote two horribly harassing emails, trying to force her to recant officially lies to the Sheriff. I've heard from the elder son that she admits staging the 'events' to get the protection order, at least to some extent. Obviously, she was planning this for some time, possibly weeks. (She changed the mailing address to her work address on my life insurance policies in early September.)
Regarding the September argument: Long Answer: I started a business in January. It's accumulated $141K of assets and $125K of consumer debt. I, trying to earn some points for the Pearly Gates that the cancer is bringing me to all too early, treat it more as a way to pass on my knowledge to ex-felons, divorced moms trying to learn and earn, and marginal high school students. We should be profitable this year even with the current environment. She is convinced that I don't care about her feelings about the debt. In way that's true: I know that a start-up with positive book value after 9 months is not in trouble. We're getting a return well above our cost of capital. She cannot handle the debt or ask to shut down the business.
Now I tried to convince her that the business as an LLC could not bankrupt her. I failed. So I asked to see an independent lawyer. (I fear that the therapist set the stage.) He told her that I was a "scoundrel" (her word) by not co-signing a student loan, and having her do so. I saw that the loan had a clause causing default should the co-signer die, so being short for the planet, I encouraged her to sign. She implied my encouragement was a prelude to horrible action on my part.
Short answer: control of money
Well, that all for now. (Thanks again for asking. Each time I answer the red-hot ball of anger loses just a little bit of its power over me.)
Frank. Post #3 Goodness, you all have put a lot of effort into this thread. Thanks.
----, Sorry for the confusion. Just ----- is correct. The Domestic Violence Protection Order was filed on Tuesday after the Sunday ambulance run. I haven't seen my W or heard from her by any manner since I left in the squad. My elder says that she keeps referring to some authority figure as saying that she's not allowed to contact me, even though the words on the order clearly state only that I can't contact her, even indirectly.
Gold Star ----. We've always had trouble when it came to loans, but reason and need prevailed every time up to now. The abuser (still suppressed) may be her birth father (or his brother). He happens to live in the same town now that she work. He dropped off a Christmas card last year with a note asking to talk. She did not reply and was anxious over it. This summer her birth half-brother, an IRS Agent, used his credentials to get by her office's front desk to see. He invited her to her birth father's 80th birthday party. She was also very insecure. When I harassed her, the squad run day, by email, I included (without honor) a threat to expose these secrets. (Yes, I'm a jerk.) I do know that she and her therapist have worked on these issues.
Carcinoid Syndrome is the overgrowth of endocrine cells. The cancer cells binds with the body's statins, preventing the proper signaling to end or decrease an emotion, mood, or state. For example, today I am unable to sleep. I've been up over 30 hours and have no hope without the heavy-duty medications I keep in reserve. At First big problem (Sep 19, Friday) I had been up over 40 hours.
The dementia is more subtle. I can't reason, do arithmetic as well as I used to. I'm just about the "demented" diagnosis coming from a mid-level executive position at a Fortune 50.
I suffer from hours of debilitating anxiety, uncontrolled euphoria (By far the worst. I give too much away or buy too much, unless my assistant or W stops me.)
The pain is a constant distraction and annoyance. The cancer causes nerve bundles to grow and areas, particularly soft tissues like gums, hurt like a hot poker was on them, at times. The worst happens only once every two or three days.
Yes, the violence answer needs clarifying. Not in a long time, would be over ten years. No bruising or scraps in 20.
The $175K includes the business's $125K. ($141K are the business's offsetting assets.) They would be two separate if the LLC acquired the debt vice W and I on our own. Our personal consumer debt is a payable of the LLC to us. (All that said, since the LLC is a sole proprietorship, except for liability and a tax option, there isn't much of a difference.) (May I please point out an oddity. Her lawyer Friday asked us to take the business and its debt. That can only mean that she doesn't like to be associated with its risk or that she doesn't agree with the books, right?)
I had a daily full accounting of all account (credit or debit; mine, hers, or joint) until we elected to hide her accounts from me.
We have a first and second mortgage on a home that has survived any drop in value (yet). I don't how she'll re-fi the house in this market. I checked with my broker about making an acquisition of another company Friday. There was no money to be lent in the entire state.
There are car loans. No student loans.
Offsetting those... Close to a million in IRA, 401(k), etc. (Well, at least until the recent turmoil) I carry $900K in life insurance. She carries $100K. There's a lot of titled vehicles around too. My last account for myself showed 12, each worth $1K to $8K.
So wanting to reconcile, but I don't even know the reason for the divorce petition ------------end of posts....
I have ordered both of the relevant books (The Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting) and a Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching - Single Session.
