Avoidance has always been and continues to be one of my weaknesses.
I think this is a huge one for many of us. How do we effectively address issues as they come up rather than avoid the pain of doing so and thereby letting the small issues become big issues? This is a tough one for any of us.
It is easier to go to one of the two extremities... Avoidance or Conflict. Neither is a winning situation.
To me, a hallmark of a mature relationship is the ability to communicate honestly and openly without it turning into a fight every time. Or without feeling the need to avoid for fear of the conflict or whatever pain comes from discussing senstive issues.
Like MASTATE mentiions... an issue like pornography. It is put in front of all and any of us. No man is immune to it catching his attention. It is a huge industry with continuous deliberate attempts by producers of porn to get it in front of us. Not just men. I know women who enjoy it too.
But how can such a controversial and possibly embarrassing or dangerous an issue be discussed and addressed in a relationship that is not mature and respectful? In my book, it simply cannot. It is a problem waiting to happen if it cannot be addressed in an effective way.
Women... let me assure you.... there is a deliberate attempt being made toward the men in your life to get hooked on porn. Addressing this with a man is no small thing. If he gets involved and cant find a way out, it is humiliating. Potentially devastating.
I am not minimizing the hurt a woman must feel if she feels she is competing with porn for her husbands attention. I can only imagine how big of an issue it is from the Womans perspective.
May I suggest that shaming him out of the problem is not very effective? I saw a program recently on this on at Christian channel. It was a husband and wife ministry team. They talk openly about it between themselves as a married couple.
The husband had been drawn into this temptation and admitted it to his wife. They got through the issue and now on a regular basis talk openly about it to keep it on the surface. She is mature enough not to judge him and to try to deal with her feelings of hurt by not directing it totally on him.
He takes many steps to avoid getting into temptation and has a safe place to go if it ever ends up in front of him. He takes responsibility for what he lets into his mind.
So again, my point that the extremeties of avoidance and conflict do not work on this or any difficult subject in a marriage. I feel we must find a mature connection of dialogue with our spouses.
My wife and I are reading a book together by an author named Gottman. One of the points he makes is that the degree to which couples allow issues to become rapidly and severely escalated is a key indicator as to whether or not it is likely their marriage will last. The author backs this observation with some amazing research.
I must admit, I am guilty of both avoidance and conflict in my first marriage. Living in and participating in these extremes was part of what I did to help destroy my marriage.
This is a great thread. It is a step away from blame and toward respobsibility, healing, and recovery. These can only be good things.
