Well on my way home tonight my W called me to tell me she was next door at the neighbors house - they were having a little party. I told her I'd stop by after I got home and changed.
When I got over there she was drunk again. It's so easy to see it now by just looking into her eyes. She said hi hon and I gave her a kiss. A short time later she offered to heat me up some of the pasta and sauce they had - so she did. We hung out for a little while and then had to bring the kids home to bed.
So now she's upstairs reading to my S. She made the beds up in the other room and my gut instinct is she is thinking about moving into there. Not sure though.
She is acting a bit strange toward me right now. Anyway, have to run.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Hey steady, I'm Tom. In my M, I have had to deal with this exact situation where my W would drink all the time. She couldn't just have one or two drinks. She has to drink until she's drunk. My W is not a good drunk; she becomes a different person. About 2.5 to 3 yrs ago; I started noticing that her drinking habits as you are observing your own W's now. My first clue would be that I would buy a 12 pack and get maybe 3 out of it. And they'd be gone in a day. by myself, a 12 pack would last a week or better. My W would kill one a day.
I showed up at home from a business trip about 10pm one night. My W was on the phone yacking away to one of her friends and was obviously drunk. My kids were still up and my S who was 4 at the time asked me when dinner was going to be ready. I was livid. My W's father is an alcoholic and proceeded to remind her of all the things that she complained about where her Father was concerned. She was repeating those very behaviors with her own kids.
Eventually she drank herself out of a few jobs, tried to kill herself, went to rehab, sobered up for about 1.5 years, and now is clubbing again and hooking up with who knows how many OMs. Pretty much just leaves me and the kids to do whatever. She doesn't really care right now.
I tell you this because you need to know what might be down the road for you if she doesn't change. You cannot change her. You must give up that thought, if you have it. She will drink no matter how you try to prevent it. Believe me, if there's a way to try and slow or stop the drinking; I've tried. I even stepped up my drinking trying to make sure that she had less. Didn't matter, she'd just go to the store and buy more.
You might want to check out Al-Anon if you think it's getting too out of hand. You'll find support there as well. Their principles go hand in hand with DB'ing. Detachment from the spouse, the fact that you cannot control it, and making yourself better.
I'll follow your sitch from now on. Hope I haven't scared you!
First thing is thanks for responding to my thread. I'm sorry that you're having to go through what you are going through. It's a hard situation to live inside of.
I'm a recovering alcoholic myself. I went to AA and was sober for 17 years. When I met my W she was drinking heavy due to a very stressful situation she was in. I was in it also but stayed sober. When we got together she didn't drink at all. About 3 years ago we started drinking together and it would be an understatement to say it caused more problems between us. Our biggest blowouts were when we were both drinking.
I understand how a drunk has to hit a bottom. The first time I stopped drinking my bottom wasn't that deep. I was lucky. This time around it was the bomb plus a diagnosis of bipolar that woke me up again.
I know all attempts to show someone they have a drinking problem are futile. In fact, it makes them resent you more and actually has an effect of increasing the consumption. I know it's an escape mechanism for people who don't know how to deal with the reality of their life.
I'm going to bring the issue up in MC tommorrow. Sometimes it helps to hear it from a third party. Of course hearing it from me doesn't do any good.
I know I have to let it go. Last night I did just that. Let it go and acted pleasant towards her. I won't enable it, but I won't confront it either. If she wakes up it's going to be because she wakes up, not due to me trying to open her eyes.
Thanks again for stopping by.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I'm glad to see that you've quit drinking again. My W and I had some of "best" arguments when we were drinking. I told earlier this summer that I quit drinking with her because she always get angry.
so, good, I didn't tell you anything that you already didn't know. I wish you the best in your sitch. We both know its a struggle in which only your W can determine the outcome.
Last night we sat in the bed after putting the kids to bed. Made some small talk and watched a little TV before going to sleep.
We all got up this morning. While pouring some milk for my D to bring upstairs I dropped the gallon jug of milk. It split and sent milk everywhere. I do mean everywhere - right up to the ceiling. I brought the cup of milk up to my D and told my W what happened. Then I went downstairs to clean up the milk. A few minutes later my W came down and said, "I just wanted to help you clean up." So we did.
I got ready for work and gave my kids a hug and kiss goodbye. Then I gave my W a kiss and hug. We held onto the hug a little longer than usual, then we kissed again - and she held it a little longer than just a peck. I looked in her eyes and told her I loved her. She said ILY. Then she said, "If I don't kill you first, it'll be ok." I said, "Why would you want to kill me? Maybe kill each other." We laughed a little bit then gave another hug goodbye. I left to go to work.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Hi nds. Seems like I can't leave well enough alone. I stirred up some drama - maybe quiet isn't good enough for me. I feel like a DAM.
U stir chitt it's gonna stink..
That is the problem with us men.. We can't just seem to leave well enough alone. You must tackle one problem at a time. You can;t do it all at once..you work on you and hope that it saves the M. You can't fix her drinking problem..One reason she may be drinking so much is because of what the MC has told you guys..she almost walked and now she sees she may be coming back so she is looking for an escape maybe and alcohol may be giving her that short lived escape.
Last night we sat in the bed after putting the kids to bed. Made some small talk and watched a little TV before going to sleep.
We all got up this morning. While pouring some milk for my D to bring upstairs I dropped the gallon jug of milk. It split and sent milk everywhere. I do mean everywhere - right up to the ceiling. I brought the cup of milk up to my D and told my W what happened. Then I went downstairs to clean up the milk. A few minutes later my W came down and said, "I just wanted to help you clean up." So we did.
I got ready for work and gave my kids a hug and kiss goodbye. Then I gave my W a kiss and hug. We held onto the hug a little longer than usual, then we kissed again - and she held it a little longer than just a peck. I looked in her eyes and told her I loved her. She said ILY. Then she said, "If I don't kill you first, it'll be ok." I said, "Why would you want to kill me? Maybe kill each other." We laughed a little bit then gave another hug goodbye. I left to go to work.
Steady...if you read this I think you need to walk real cautiously right now..at least until you get in MC again..slow and steady..real little baby steps now.
Mike I'm missing your point in your last post I think. I think it's the statement she made about killing me... I'd appreciate it if you could elaborate a little bit on what you are seeing that I'm missing.
I can be really slow sometimes. And thanks for your posts.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
One reason she may be drinking so much is because of what the MC has told you guys..she almost walked and now she sees she may be coming back so she is looking for an escape maybe and alcohol may be giving her that short lived escape.
Mike, what statement or conversation that the MC told us are you referring to? The other question I have is what's your opinion on what she is escaping from?
Also, what's your opinion about bringing up the drinking issue in MC?
Sorry about so many questions - I really don't want to f*ck up now. I mean that. It's in a much better place than it was just a few months ago and I'd hate to lose any of the ground that has been gained.
We have MC tommorrow at 5pm. Thanks.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Mike I'm missing your point in your last post I think. I think it's the statement she made about killing me...
I can be really slow sometimes. And thanks for your posts.
I just think after the last few days that you need to be very cautious and do what you were doing. Her drinking is a problem but can't be tackled full bore at the moment. Patience and baby steps are what is needed. I would be vary wary of backslides. A lot has been gained and one backslide can cause loss of ground. I would walk softly until MC which may be on Monday?? No more backslides if you can help it..
and I feel your pain about the drinking I really do..
