To ford...that reminds me of the movie Transformers, where, after Sam Witwicky makes his family geneaology presentation in class, he begs for an A instead of a B- and asks the teacher, "what would Jesus do?".
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
ADDENDUM:...sometimes, I feel, that frank_d suffered more because he took on the weight of the world. He literally was INUNDATED by requests from members here to help them save their marriages.
frank_d has, at times, had a difficult life, yet, he still takes the time to care for others and try and help them.
He's a saint.
I credit him with saving my life.
He will always have MY support as I know you all feel similarly.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I've ofttimes posted that if there is anything here that leaves me dazed and confused, still, is the inability to understand how....how...someone can convert from love to utter hate and disgust.
lemme give you my take on this.
I think it starts with a person with low character.
when you meet, its all perfume and roses, and usually, this person of low character has something to gain from you. money, security, a raise in their standard of living, so hell yeah, lets get married.
every thing starts off just peachy.
a few kids, mortgage, responsibility. then the newness wears off. the one with the low character mind you, is generally living better than they could do on their own and believes that they accomplished this by themselves. they get bored, they think they deserve better, and YOU are what is standing in the way of their happiness. you bastard.
then the distancing begins, the cold treatment, the "something is missing" they need to go find themselves, but strangely, it's going to require your money, and another person, or three, to find.
They lie, you find out. you're satan. they secretly date, you find out. you're satan.
then it gets to the point, you breathe. you're satan.
in their mind, you have no more use to them, you're just a roadblock who won't move on and let them be happy.
you bastard!
you try and save the family at great cost to your own well being, to protect your kids, to shield them, to save the financial well being, to make sure the kids have a solid home life.
but what you don't see is that all of this is happening because of you.
remember when their second cousin, twice removed, was in a car accident? you didn't comfort her/him. you were on the computer, or away at work. you let them down. and now you and the whole family must pay.
Then the person of low character goes off on their own, leaving you to piece back the lives of your family, you struggle, you hurt, but you survive. you finally see some light. you're feeling good about the future. then, as sure as banannas are yellow, the low C person re enters the picture.
seems Mr or Ms soul mate didn't work out, and thier own lack of skills sure made it hard to live like they were accustomed to. they're out of options. so back to ole reliable till they find greener pastures.
rinse and repeat.
anyone relate to this?
I never bought the "tunnel" bit because their are too many people who had crappy childhoods, and who grew to be people of honor, who sacrificed self for the greater good.
people with character, good character, do what is right.
those with low character, well, they cause the need for BBs like this one.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Some of those first few lines sounded like me once upon a time.
Ouch.
There is definitely a "tunnel", though.
I had two separate conversations (one was with my D13) this past weekend in which things that happened a few years ago (when I was mlc) were mentioned. I drew a complete blank. I have zero recall and had to explain to her that some things that happened about 5 years ago I really do not remember. The second conversation was with my aunt who is out of work these days on disability. I thought she'd only worked at the plant for 3 or 4 years. She said no, she was there for 9. I had no concept of time and not a lot of recall except for the delusions.
It is bizarre, yes.
But the "tunnel" or "fog" of mlc is very real.
I think many people don't choose to stand up if and when they come out of it. And I am here to tell you it's because it's a b*tch. And it doesn't stop with verbal and emotional atonement. It is hard to stand up and repeatedly face the music. It just NEVER stops. Only true spiritual conviction and understanding accomplishes that, I am convinced, because I'd have kept on running and mounting self-deception upon outward deception until the day I dropped dead before I'd choose of my own volition to walk this walk.
The fact is that the truth will set you free.
But you have to truly seek it.
Most people don't because they don't have the stomach for it.
I really can't say I blame them.
But I sure wish sometimes that I'd have drawn the "you get to be a chickensh*t" card.
I never bought the "tunnel" bit because their are too many people who had crappy childhoods, and who grew to be people of honor, who sacrificed self for the greater good.
I was going to post today because I had a strange experience and then I saw your post and it basically goes along those lines, so I will post here instead of my own thread.
The tunnel, or fog or whatever you want to call it.
Today our family went out to celebrate S7's birthday. We had to drive about 1 1/2 hours to meet the big kids at their College. We have been there dozens of times.
Right by their campus is an outdoor mall with some really great restaurants, and again, we have all been there several times before.
While driving there, my Husband got into a really pissy mood because he said that he had no idea as to where he was driving to as he wasn't at all familiar with the area.
S21 and D20 kinda looked at each other and I gave him directions. When we finally arrived and I asked him if he remembered when we ate at this restaurant a couple of years ago. He had no recollection at all.
Two years ago he was still in MLC and had come home to visit for a weekend.
He still has little moments like these.
He also hates what he did to our family and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He brings things up randomly and apologizes for them, but he has told me that the guilt and the shame he feels is sometimes more then he can handle.
He told me that there were times while he was away that he would try so hard to block his thoughts of the family and his actions, but they would all come flooding back when he was asleep.
He had terrible nightmares and to try and avoid sleep he would work for 16 hours and eventually it would all catch up and he would end up sleeping the whole weekend away.
I am sharing this with you only because there really is such a thing as MLC, and I honestly don't believe that the MLC'er can help themselves with the bad choices they make.
I am not making excuses for bad behavior, but I do think that when it is treated as a mental illness, it makes it easier to swallow.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Today I spent some time thinking about all the hurt I've been through the past ten years. It all started with the events that caused me to crash, but it was sustained by the periodic injection of instability in my marriage by my W.
I found myself stuck in low self esteem, and going through cycles where she would bail or withdraw and I'd have to put what little energy I had into fixing things. Things would be 'good' for a while but I'd still find myself slowly deteriorating and feeling alone. How do you feel alone in a marriage with someone who loves you?
I realized it was because I felt like I was the only one making decisions. The only one working hard even though I hurt every day.
My W talks about how much she's been hurt the past ten years. But you know, she hasn't had to endure the pain of rejection, of having your family broken apart 3 times, of being told that your spouse has found their soulmate. Or that they just can't be married to you.
And our kids have had to endure the breakup pain also.
Fords description is right on. She is not a person of character yet all her friends think she is because she is 'so nice' and 'spiritual'. Yet in the one thing that would show GREAT character, taking responsibility for getting her husband and children through difficult times, she is a failure.
As are they all. AmyC seems to be the only one who has grown beyond that point. It doesn't seem like many do.
BND your post would back what I've described, as well.
However I disagree with labeling MLC as "mental illness". I would rather it be explained as a mental overload. A point of impact where the unresolved issues of the past crash into the issues of the day resulting in a temporary emotional, behavioral and mental crisis.
Perhaps it's splitting hairs but the term "illness" is offensive to me because I don't think mental illnesses are "cured". I think they are "managed" be it through drugs, behavioral therapy or what have you. There's a literal awakening from MLC. A point of realization & comprehension that fosters understanding and repentance and then in some, an effort to make things right. Maybe it's not like ford said, that we lacked character when our spouses married us...
Maybe we had some fundamental undeveloped strain of "good character" all along and that's what pulled us out and causes some of us to have to walk back.
Hell maybe it's the flippin walk that fosters the growth of that character.
I don't know.
I'd like to think something good came of that cluster of wasted years though...
AmyC, I think your description is right on. I don't think my W is 'crazy' even though I might say that. I know she's in a life crisis that is as you described a "mental overload".
Maybe it's not exactly as Ford describes, it's not the lack of character as much as it is the undeveloped one. It's like someone else said, the good person with lot's of potential is there, they just aren't nurturing their potential for whatever reason.
I know I was stuck a long time. I'm unstuck now. W has been living off my strengths. Now she has to live off her own.
I am sharing this with you only because there really is such a thing as MLC, and I honestly don't believe that the MLC'er can help themselves with the bad choices they make.
I don't think they can either. The NEED whatever they are seeking so badly they can't be rational about it.
