How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

[sandi2]

In Oct 07, she told me ILYBNILWY. This comes as a complete shock to me, esp since I was just starting to feel better about life and everything. She said that she still sees me as her very best friend ever, someone that understands her better than anyone, but when we ML, she feels like ML to her brother. The feelings just aren't there anymore and this is making her extremely uncomfortable. She said that she can't turn her feelings back on like a light switch as I did.

Perhaps by feeling like you are her very best friend, it is too much of a "brotherly" thing and that is why she does not have the sexual attraction there. So, I would suggest you not come across as a "brother" in friendship or any other way. Ever wonder why some girls went after the "bad boys"? Just a thought. I'm not saying to start being bad to her, but stop doing anything that comes across as a "girlfriend" (no offense intended) b/c she can always have girl friends but you want to be her lover. Being friends in a MR is great, but since she is feeling like you are more her "brother" then I think you need to work on getting a different image across to her. For example, don't go clothes shopping with her.....that is something her girlfriends can do.

I email her several long letters back explaining my viewpoints and how I was trying to support her. She keeps responding that I say all the right things now, but it still isn't bringing her feelings back.

I don't mean to sound curel when I say this, but once a woman has lost that sexual attraction, almost everything her H does is a complete "turn-off" to her. So, these long letters and emails are seen to be too needy to her. I know what you were trying to do and understand it completely, but I'm just telling you how it comes across to her.

I am trying to be upbeat as much as possible, to the point where she asks: "How can you be so happy in this situation?". I just tell her that I am trying to show her how I can be to live with

I am sure you were trying to apply the DB rule here even if you had not read about it yet, but she is seeing you in a different light than what you are wanting to protray.

I sort of broke down a little bit at that point and told her that I still love her very much and that I miss her and that the door is always open if she wants to come back.

As bad as it sounds, this is about the worse type of "neediness" that you can show her. She wants to see a strong confident man that will take charge and have sex appeal. If you do what she needs, you won't have to beg her to come back.....she will fly back to you.

But now, her parents and sister are getting into it and take my side, calling her to tell her she's making a big mistake,

This is only making matters worse. Don't discuss your R with anyone else and if the family asks any more questions, you need to ask them to please not talk to her that it is does not help.

THis leads to tonight when W tells me that she feels like I have been complaining behind her back...

She knows you've been talking when family talk to her and it makes her feel betrayed. However, don't try to go explain anything, just don't say anymore about it.

If you have an idea of a man you think shows much sex appeal and strength as a man, try to see if you can incoporate that style into part of your personality. It takes works and lots of practice, but some have found it to be worthwhile. Marriage has a way of changing people for the worse without them realizing it. So, I'm just trying to point some things out that you can start working on trying to improve yourself. Like I said, the main thing right now is not to do anything to remind her that you are a brother!

Take care,
Sandi