One thing my counselor ingrained in me... "Be in good place to make good decisions." That's when I accepted listening to the psychiatrist who does the med checks and doing what he recommended. Guess what, I'm in a good place and am getting better at making good decisions. Going off medication without your doctor's approval or awareness can come back to bite you in the patookie. Now I'll stop.
Little kids and bad words. Ignoring it worked for me, giving the hairy eyeball to the older kids helped, too. Spending time praising good behavior seemed to offset that too.
Gosh, I guess I have been busy. I have only taken time to lurk and to comment on others' threads, not my own. But I've got a brief moment now (waiting on a system maintenance function to complete here at work).
Tal, I am happy and envious of your new "love". I was just at the local mall at lunchtime waiting on my watch repair -- they have a Saturn display indoors there from one of the dealerships. The Outlook is nice -- and the new Vue looks just as nice in a smaller package. (Note to self: As soon as I get my financial affairs in order, I really need to see about trading up to a more "studly" vehicle than the too-small two-door I got stuck with during the separation. I wish someone made a serious hybrid / high-MPG truck.)
Gypsy, I have to assume (especially since I haven't gotten any feedback from him yet) that my physician intended for the prescription to lapse -- I also assume at 10 mg it was a low enough dose already to be okay to quit cold-turkey. I have felt a bit more of the "edge" to my emotions, but otherwise appear to be doing well enough -- and it's waaay too late to take the slow easy path now after a month of being off them. But if I start thinking about offing myself, I'll let you know.
Last night might have been a good trigger point if I wanted to, off myself that is. S3 decided he wanted to stay with W instead of me. He had asked the night before so last night I acquiesced and let him stay with her.
That's hard enough but not unexpected. But then after our cubscout meeting last night S7 announced he too wanted to go and be with S3 and his mother for the night. I put my foot down and said he couldn't be changing his mind so late in the evening like that. It was already late enough (past 8:30 PM) and we were both tired. He didn't like it and complained, but he let it go eventually.
I know young boys need their mother, and I try to encourage it as much as possible. And I certainly don't like the prospects of appearing to foist myself on my S's lives. But if I am really serious about having a meaningful role in their lives as their father, I cannot allow what precious little time I have with them be whittled away from us. It's hard enough that I don't have full-time access to them every other week as it is.
And it tends to make me feel the most awful dark things about W. I feel so much resentment built up for her as it is without her encouraging their abandoning me on those days I am supposed to parent them.
Maybe I need the AD's after all, because I started thinking on the drive back home, with S7 sulking in the back seat, that maybe I should just give up. Just throw in the towel, pack my things and leave this state once and for all. If when push comes to shove, my own S's would rather spend their time with W to the exclusion of their father, even on those days they have me, then maybe I should let them.
I think this, but then I remember this is not what God would have me do, not if I am truly His.
One good thing that brightened my day is that I heard from an old friend of mine from High School last night. She had literally been "the girl next door" back then, and she found me on FB after all these years. Gotta' love the Internet.
Maybe I need the AD's after all, because I started thinking on the drive back home, with S7 sulking in the back seat, that maybe I should just give up. Just throw in the towel, pack my things and leave this state once and for all.
Well, 10 mg. sounds like not so much, but if you feel down for several weeks or so, then it doesn't seem like it would be that harmful to continue taking such a low dose. But I mean even on AD's I get a low day here and there, I think it's when you have them for several weeks that you should think about AD's.
At first I thought it was really nice when you mentioned that if your S3 wants to stay with mom letting him, but I don't know. The whole changing his mind late at night seems problematic, although it sounds like you handled it perfectly. I mean, I guess once in a while, if S3 is sick or feels he needs his mom for some reason like that, but it seems to me that you are entitled and need to have a good amount of time also with your kids and to bond with them and everything? I mean I think dads are just as important as moms!!! Karen
nc...Im sorry your feeling like this.Your role in their lives is just as important as the mom. They look up to you, and although they may want their mommy, they are young (about the same age as mine) and once they hit a certain age that will change. Im not saying for all kids, but usually does. There interest changee and they want to hang out with dad. I know this from experience from my own. My kids want me "at night" but when its play time they want daddy.
Although because H is gone a lot out of sight out of mind thing kicks in. Im here 24/7 with them, no sitters or anything. So that makes a difference too. But when he's home they are in "daddy" mode.
They love you nc don't ever doubt that. Don't move away, that would be bad for them, they need you in there life. They really do. Even if H and I were getting divorce, as much as I might be bitter, I would never ever keep them from him. I couldn't and wouldn't. I know how much they love him and how much he loves them.
Your kids need both of there parents.
YOur important nc.. remember that
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Kids need their Daddies, especially sons!!!! Don't ever let your W's attitude and behavior push you into thinking otherwise. Your sons might choose to be with her now and then, and I think its great you are open to that. Maybe you can have a little rule with them, about when the decision needs to be made. And maybe tuck in a "Are you sure, because we were going to do ____ when we got to our house?" I wouldn't do that in front of W, lol, and don't turn it into bribery, but you will find a good balance.
Fathers are so very important. Especially dedicated, honest, open, caring, trustworthy, and loving fathers like yourself. Your kids would be devastated if you dropped out of their lives. Truly.
I feel like giving up at times, too. It's too hard, Sisyphus has it easy, why am I driving myself crazy when nobody cares?
I felt that lots of times before the separation, feel it less now. The boundaries I'm learning along with the positive effects of all my support systems (meds included) keep me grounded.
You're their dad, their daddy. Kids need their dad. Ready articles about what happens to children who only have 'visitor' dads or fathers they don't have access to. It's heartbreaking. Your role, your love is a vital part of their upbringing.
Hey NC, Sorry to hear you are feeling down. It is so unfair that the kids have to choose whether to stay at Mom's or Dad's. Why can't the WAS see that when they "fall out of love"? Don't ever feel like you aren't important because you are. I'm sure that sometimes when they are with Mom that they want Dad. You know how kids are. They change their minds like the wind.
As far as the AD's go, I think I would look into getting the prescription refilled. I know I'm not ready to give mine up. I also take 10 mg, but it makes all the difference in the world.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Hey, NC! How are you doing today? I had a low day yesterday, very frustrated with all the D stuff, but feel back to myself today. Hope you're doing good too??? Karen
Hey, all. I'm okay but working my arse off ( a project we began in February is now about to come to fruition. Go-live is this weekend and I happen to be the unlucky sap whose on-call rotation is coming up tomorrow. oooh, lucky me.)
I saw S3's teacher today, W called during the meeting to apologize and say she couldn't make it (due to a patient again.) We had originally rescheduled this meeting from yesterday to suit W's changing plans. He loss. The meeting went well and we're discussing ways to help S3 with his fluctuating behaviors. S3 had very good days last Friday, Monday, Wednesday, and a fair day today. Unfortunately Tuesday was a horrible day for S3 -- he was highly cantankerous, disruptive and uncooperative. This was all the more astonishing since Monday had been a particularly stellar day for him. But I think we now have a line of action to try out on S3 to encourage him to have more good days.
With S7 tracking back into school, it has been rough getting him back into doing his homework. It has meant a lot of long frustrating evenings for the both of us.
The house has gotten some offers. W keeps relaying information to me from our seller's agent. Unfrotunately, these are all low-ball offers. And very dubious.
Call me paranoid, but due to the particular amounts offered, and the terms asked for in concessions, I strongly suspect these are really being staged by the same person, a guy who gave us a verbal offer (not in writing) back in September -- which was waaay too low. I'll refer to him as BH. W had apparently allowed him, BH, to haggle her down to about 20K less than our minimum acceptable offer -- because she had led the bid with that lowest value, not the highest. So I believe this guy thinks he smells blood in the water and is insistent on getting a below cost steal. He don't know me very well.
This BH guy has made a few feints at offers since then, but never in writing. Well now that the market looks so bad, and loans are difficult to come by, he probably thinks we're desperate and won't look before we leap. In fact his offers then dropped another 14k -- I told W to tell our agent that I wasn't interested in talking to BH with that attitude.
Then a few days ago we were told we got a new offer -- or one exactly like the last one from BH, but in writing from a person with another name. Not just another ridiculous scavenger type offer, but practically the same terms.
Well, I'm no fool, but I can't vouch for W. I told her already I wasn't interested in such low-ball offers, especially when they also ask us to pick up all closing costs and the buyer's agent's fees to boot. We could try a counter-offer, but with them starting with such a lost start, it wasn't hopeful. W seemed to agree on what we could or would accept or not. She also thought it possible that BH was using a proxy to make these bids.
Well today it seems that this other party made another slight bump up in their offer. (no big deal). but it exactly matched the original offer that BH had made in September. So now my alarms are going off all in my head (mind you, I'm dealing with a boatload of issues at work while all this info was coming in) and I'm now thinking this has got to be BH, which tells me this is no deal and no sale. Now I thought W would remember our prior conversation only a couple of days ago, and that she would still be thinking along the same lines as myself still.
But no, she thinks this offer has reached a threshold in her small, selfish mind of what would be acceptable to her, to let her off the hook with respect to the marital home and get her just enough payoff to eliminate her own debt and free her from this last obligation she shares with me, regardless if it is a sucker move. She left me a voicemail trying to convince me to run the numbers to see what the payoff would be, and to see that this would at least allow us to settle our debts and part ways. But this translates to me that she wants to bail sooner rather than later, to avoid waiting to get a fair and equitable offer because all she wants to do is, again, to cut and run.
And it also has me still trying to square this with her other strong suggestion that I move back into the house until it does sell -- which I have yet to fathom why on earth she feels that is a good idea fro me or why she even cares -- what is her angle in all this? I don't get it.
Part of me wonders if W would be so crooked as to undersell the house to someone like BH while accepting a kickback on the side to screw me out of what the house is really worth. Lord, I hope not.
But it does look like W is all too ready to sell us short just to free herself from this M ... heh, well, I guess, in a sense, my WAW has already done that.
Just a reality check - in this falling real estate market, how realistic are you being about what your house will sell for? In my area, prices are dropping like a stone and he bottom isn't predicted until mid-2009.
