When I think of all the crapola that's been going on, I have an image of an EKG with the heart beat racing with adrenaline.. beepbeepbeepbeepbeep with the spikes high and close together. As things calm, the heartbeat goes back to normal with an occasional racing.
The thought of dating was a beepbeepbeepbeep. Now I realize that if and when I'm ready.. it's a DATE.. not a lifetime commitment. It's a couple of hours out of my life, not years of knowing someone. It's not a plunge to swim the English Channel, it's a toe tickled by the scant froth of a receding wave. It's temporary, not permanent. It goes at my pace, it goes as fast or as slow as feels right.
If I feel guilty, I ask myself why. If I feel pressured, I say no thank you. If it's great, I'll consider more!
But..
Fear is taken out of the picture. Heck.. fear is what got me where I am today.. being afraid to risk, being afraid of rejection, not being found worthy, now knowing how to resolve things.
Now granted, I feel like a weenie if I'm talking to someone about my insecurity. It feels true and fake at the same time. It's like I know I'm better than that but I still get the old message churning. It's still more comfortable to be anxious but not as much fun.
Just because I hold hands with a guy doesn't mean I'm walking down the aisle.
Just because I kiss a man doesn't mean I'm in love.
I can enjoy those feelings for what they are.. delightful and pleasurable while learning what is good, what I deserve and what brings joy to another. Respectful with no intentions or expectations.
Sounds like a good theory. We'll see how it works in practice... err... at some point in time!
