Daisy thanks for your concern. You are very sweet :). Seriously though, those names are actually pet names. We use them for each other all the time. I know it might sound mean, but we have done so for at least 5 years. For example I called him dumba** twice today, so it is not just him. The only mean thing he is really doing is acting annoyed at my presence from time to time, and calling me his roommate, but this was just more strange and unexpected. He is not being overwhelmingly positive by ANY means, but he is not being mean either.
Ali-agreed about the physical contact. I had thought maybe this was an experiment that could work, but it doesn't seem to have paid off. From now on I will not be initiating any more physical affection beyond poking him or something like this if we are joking around. Actually after you responded, H called me downstairs to watch something on his video game. As usual, the 2 comfort zones are my bottom and my stomach; he patted both. In terms of the roommate comment, in the past I had said that I was happy to be his roommate and his friend while he worked on things. I actually AM OK with this for awhile, provided things start improving over the next few months, but it's weird that nothing has been verbalized.
All--I think the only thing I can do DB-wise, assuming I stay in the house, is MAJOR GAL, and not being home much. A friend has already suggested that I get really dressed up to go out dancing and come home really late without much of an explanation. I will probably also work pretty late every night. I don't really mind this, but there is a fine line between giving space and trying to show him what an improved R could look like. At some point I am going to need an understanding about what it is that he is actually looking for from this. This is still a weird limboland sitch. I have no idea if H is going on this alleged biz trip tomorrow, but as I've heard nothing about it yet, I assume he may not be. If not, and if he never brings it up, then I will just be sort of de facto here.
Anyway crossing my fingers for no R conversations today, unless they are positive...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
In a way I am glad that you do not feel sad or taken advantage of but at the same time I can't help but wonder what these offensive names are really doing to the core of your marriage. I could be way way off here but it just doesn't seem healthy. Even if it does not bother you on the surface. I think it would be very hard to have a deep rooted love and respect for a person who calls you and you call these names. I am all for goofy pet names and even borderline name calling like dork or something said in good fun can be okay but over time and frequently I think it could be damaging. Especially when the names get harsher (even if said in fun)
You mentioned that it has been happening the past 5 years but I see you guys have been together for 7. What started the trend of name calling? What did you think/feel about it when it first started those years ago? Did you ever have other romantic relationships with people using those kinds of names? What do others, even MC (like Jody) say about it?
I am not trying to hang on to this just for the sake of drama I just think it might be something you need to really evaluate because I just don't see how it could add positive value to your marriage, even if you don't think anything of it at the time. It just seems like a fine line, playing with fire if you will. Makes me wonder what you call each other when you ARE mad.
Just food for thought I guess. I'll drop it now. I promise
Not sure what started the names, but really might even be more like 6 years that we've been doing it. I actually really like it when he uses these names now, as they have historically been used very affectionately, and we would often laugh a lot when using them. It's in the tone of voice and facial expression too. He doesn't say anything like this when mad, and neither do I. Right now these names are like "safe" terms of endearment. There are others that are sweeter, but right now they rarely (if ever) come out, like "little" and "princess".
Could be that you're right that down the road we decide that the names aren't adding value, but I think we need to get to a more stable point first where we can actually discuss these kinds of things. I've never mentioned the names to MC because really they don't bother me and are honestly meant in fun from both sides.
My last long-term R was a lot less healthy (well until the bomb anyway:)), but we didn't use names like that. Still, there wasn't a whole lot of love, and in this M, at least pre-bomb, there is a lot of love, and ILYs were used just as frequently as the nicknames.
No worries about bringing it up Daisy. It's always interesting to get an outside perspective on things like this.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hi ITH!! Sorry I wasn't around much this weekend....work, work work!! LoL.
At least there is no official R talk yet. It is pretty messed up that he called you a roommate. I think that Daisy does have a point about his blatent disrespect. I have thought 'Yikes' a few times when you have mentioned what some of your pet names are. Don't get me wrong joking around H & I would say 'jerk' and 'dork' but it seems some of your words of endearment seem pretty harsh. Maybe you should bring it up with Jody and see what she thinks and if she has any insight about it.
We just care about you here so don't take it as us ganging up on you!!!
