Hi peace, Grace and na-
I hear what you are saying but I don't know if I have any patience left. I am so tired of having that carrot dangled in front of me just to have him continually pull it away...purposely or not.

I was so frustrated on Friday, I called my H but he and his friend had already left on their trip to Vegas and were in the car driving so he couldn't really talk. He told me he would call me back later and he did. I didn't have to even tell him what I was thinking...he knew. He told me to be patient and implied we will make it work. He told me that even his partner and his wife are having problems due to the craziness of their work load right now. Can he can really compare his partner and his wife to us since they haven't been separated for 20 months? Then he said something like "You know I love you babe." Now he has not told me he loves me without me having to ask since before he left (I've only asked a couple of times) and I don't ever remember him calling me babe or baby but he has done it a few times recently. Weird! Oh and he did ask if I still wanted to come up and meet him but I know he didn't really want me to. He asked if he could call me on Saturday but I never heard from him.

Oh and when I called my H on Friday, I was on speakerphone so I got to talk to my H's friend as well. I asked how he was and he replied that he was really looking forward to the weekend. I said "oh so you guys are going to have some fun on this trip". My H replied something like "Well, XXX might have some fun but I'm going to be working"...yeah right! I am so tired of this!
So today I am back to feeling pretty much done. I am feeling like this has all been a charade because he doesn't want to let me go but he doesn't want me either. We have a C appointment tomorrow that he said he could still squeeze into his busy schedule...but we have no plans to spend anytime together other than that.

This is so hard for me especially when my kids are gone. If I could, I would just pack up and go somewhere but I don't have the time to go very far and I have my responsibilities here. I can spend time with family and friends but they are all so busy and I hate to intrude...plus there is still that feeling of being alone. I so tired of being alone. In some ways it would be so much easier if my H just told me he was done so I could move on. Today I am the one wanting to be done but he keeps having a way to suck me back in...although the voice in my head that keeps saying "I want more" is getting louder and louder.

I want to learn new things and find out more about myself. I want to travel when I can and find adventures. I even want to make new friendships and connections. I feel like I am stuck between teenagers who don't really want to do much of anything with their mom (mostly my S) and a H who doesn't really want to make time for me. Okay, enough of the pity party!

I am starting to believe that my H's crisis was mainly brought on by starting his own firm...sure I did things over the years that contributed but I think the pressure of the business and him wanting to be successful has really effected him.

Grace-How are you? I have wondered what you have been up to? I have missed you around here. I hope you come around more often and give us an update on how you are doing.