I like what Seth Godin says and copied it out for my daughter. In the midst of the firestorm this week, she was being harrassed by someone who was cyber stalking and sending her personal emails around work. Ultimately she quit and I don't think that was the worst thing for her.
Unfortunately, the worst of all the garbage of the past year did ultimately erupt on a thread of yours - never your intention OR your fault. I think you are one of the least confrontation people here. The trouble with the apology was that it was intended only for you. That left many many others (myself included) angry and miffed. And wounds fester if left untreated. The stabs were not intended so much for you but for the rest of the population. And yes - there was a justifiable outrage. Swept under the rug. And it will likely remain that way.
The trouble with all of it is that the newbies only see the outrage and indignation, not the CAUSE of it. They are misled by that, thinking many of us to be callous and mean. I do not consider myself either. In fact, a review of my nearly 10,000 posts would tell you otherwise. I like to help, not hurt - just as you do.
Mods won't ever give an explanation, that is evident. So in my own way - that's the best explanation I can give. The downside is that this board lost some very valuable DBers in the process. My daily friends for 5 plus years. I chose to come back. They will likely not. And that is sad for all of us.
Wishing you peace, SG. You are a gem and I appreciate you posting this.
I think one of the issues here is in leason in general communication. Part of communicating is tone and expression. When you are speaking those things go thru along with the spoken word and present a clear picture of your meaning.
The written word takes more detail to get the point accross. In business writting we take the time to clarify points to be sure that the message was clear.
Here we write as if we are speaking. We type all those words that we wanted to speak but forget that the tone and expression are not present to complete the message.
Often this can result in the receiver not getting out of the message what you thought you were conveying. We need to remember this at all times.
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
I think one of the issues here is in leason in general communication. Part of communicating is tone and expression. When you are speaking those things go thru along with the spoken word and present a clear picture of your meaning.
The written word takes more detail to get the point accross. In business writting we take the time to clarify points to be sure that the message was clear.
Here we write as if we are speaking. We type all those words that we wanted to speak but forget that the tone and expression are not present to complete the message.
Often this can result in the receiver not getting out of the message what you thought you were conveying. We need to remember this at all times.
Gigi
Hi Gigi,
I agree completely with this, and I believe I have posted about the differences between online communication and face to face communication before. Thanks for writing this.
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Hi SG, I meant to make a comment on this before but somehow forgot. I am so glad you and Gigi brought this up.
I'm in technical communications. One of the biggest points I ever learned was that writing on the internet doesn't convey a lot of information that we usually convey in person: a lot of information about the sender and his/attitude is brought across through body language, eye contact, tone of voice, and other physical means we don't see online.
And...readers often project themselves into that writing. Meaning, if I say something, a reader can immediately take it the "wrong" way. I can for example tell someone to "bite me" and mean it jokingly. But another person who doesn't know me well can take that as an insult.
However, language patterns do reveal a person over time. Often times I read a person's posts for a bit before responding to them. Never underestimate a person's ability to analyze your language patterns. You can come across as an arrogant PITA without realizing it or you can come across as a total fool, etc. Even our user names here "convey a message." Yours conveys an idea of someone who knows how to get through life and has a positive self-image. I remember years ago there was a poster for a short time with a user name of TheMan. First thing that came to mind for me: what a jerk! But it's also easy to spot when someone is stuck or hurting...there is a lack of positive action (verbs) in what they write; it's easy to spot someone who needs a little empathy...there are words that say "I feel down" or "I feel something." We don't always do this consciously when we write, it's just as if we were speaking.
Too another idea to remember is that comprehension/understanding between two people communicating is never 100%. You may tell me a message and I have to filter that through my background and experiences and how I am right now (if I'm sick or tired or jazzed up on too much coffee lol). I will not process 100% of what you're telling me accurately so there is by nature a lot of repetition and reinforcement going on between us until we're in agreement.
I have been away from the boards for a while...no need to post and didn't want to get sucked into the drama that was going on...However, as I was hibernating in my cave I thought I heard someone say "SG" so I woke up and lumbered out.
I have been busy teaching my online class for graduate students. The month of October is the really busy one and they have their final projects due next week. Then perhaps I can take a bit of a breather from working and return my efforts to the job of finding a job! Not to complain but I still need more work and the money is a bit tight.
I did end up renting out one of the BRs in the house to my friend's friend. So far so good. He is quiet, respectful and good company when he is around. And his rent = one third of my mortgage! So that is really helpful. We have a month-to-month agreement so either one can back out if and when we feel the need.
Last weekend my DD came up from SLO for a visit, and we went to SF and had a great evening doing the Lit Crawl 2008 . We met my son who lives in the Bay Area and also some other friends. Saw several readings, went to a gallery show and then had dinner. It is such a great pleasure enjoying the company of my adult children.
I have a thought that I thought I would share. I think there are things that we can change and things that we can't. Some folks pray for the wisdom to know the difference and to accept what is. A big part of DB is focusing on what YOU have control over. I am reading my stroke of insight right now. It is the story of a brain surgeon who survived a debilitating stroke. She says that it is a choice how to respond and react to circumstances. I think that for my own peace of mind and well being it is better to lose the anger.
Just 2 cents...
Anyway, I hope all are doing well. Enjoy the turning of the season.
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Hey SG 2 weeks ago I was up in your neck of the woods, well somewhat close, spent a few days in Pismo, so cute! stayed right on the ocean front, did the Hearst Castle thing and the Cambria thing. Would of loved to of t aken another day for the SLO thing lol but B had to get back to work. Next time. It was beautiful, havent been up there since i was a teen w/ my family as ex never wanted to go anywhere.
Didnt escape the heat tho, ON the beach it was high 80s! arrgh! I only packed one pair of shorts figuring I could finally wear jeans, nope lol AND had to eat Andersens pea soup at 10:00 a.m as B keeps a strict schedule lol
I am glad the renter is working out- and I am sure it helps a lot w/ your payments , cause I know by the time I pay mine, there is next to nothing left!!
Sounds like a great time w/ your kiddies! Isnt it great enjoying them now as adults?
Gotta run, but wanted to say Hi, not many of us left ya know lol gotta stick together lol Have a great week!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
I have a colleague at work who is a few years ahead of me in the whole D/recovery process. We are friends, and have been supportive of each other over the past few years.
He started dating on Match a couple of years ago and met someone. They dated for about a year, and then moved in together. She has 2 girls and he has a son and the kids are all between 6th and 10th grade.
They have been working to buy a house and he has been keeping me updated on the progress. Like many of us here, his D from his wife was financially debilitating, so the whole process of getting a loan, etc was lengthy. A few weeks ago, I saw him and he was all set to sign the papers and then move in the following weekend.
I saw him yesterday and asked him how the move went. Well. I was expecting him to tell me how great his new house was, maybe a tale of a pulled muscle from the move...you know.
Turns out his GF was married! OMG! He says it was a "citizenship" marriage for someone from her country of origin. He also says that they have become a lot closer working through it.
I say, it will be interesting for me to see how this story develops.
Food for thought indeed!
Take care, SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
