(((essie))) actually, teacherman on the BB recommended it to me. And then I recommended it to a friend who told me she had already recommended it to me months ago! (however I have no memory of this). I actually found passionate marriage to be totally fascinating... but still very slow going. Not that it was hard to read, just my brain would get sort of overloaded and I would need to put the book down after a couple pages. Very unusual for me since I am quite a book devour-er! But, honestly it was totally worth it. It helped me dig deeper than anything else I've read. Even just learning that expecting those closest to us (especially spouses) to always validate is not realistic... or that we actually communicate very well, we just don't want to hear what's being communicated... totally goes against the grain of how most people think you should "work" on relationships but I think it's true-er. What parts are you getting stuck on??? What has it made you think about? I think he writes that no one ever WANTS to differentiate... so I think what you are feeling is normal, right ??
(((ali))) that makes a lot of sense! It is just such a new paradigm to me, I am not sure how to make sense of it! my birth time is definitely correct, 6 am exactly. I will never forget it, because every birthday until I left home, my dad would wake me by taking a polaroid picture of the moment I exactly turned my new year. at 6 am!
(((T))) I am loving the book. I cant wait to finish it share it with you. BUT I am finding it really challenging too. Lots of the ideas are very similar to other ideas here (like detaching vs. differentiating, and GAL vs. self validating etc) but in a more challenging way. I just wish I could get to the end and have absorbed it all, but I'm finding the process of reading it quite painful - I guess because I become more and more aware that I was looking for H to validate me. And the more I read, the more upset I feel, the more I look for someone else to validate. Its like I'm aware of it happening as I'm reading it! So I know its true and good for me and very timely. My brain can only handle a couple of pages too, before I need to digest it. But its like I want to speed up so I can get to the point where I really am differentiated.
I agree that bit about how we think the R breaks down becasue of communication failure is so interesting. Of course everyone knows what the other person is saying but no-one wants to hear it so we keep saying it over and over, and then blame bad communication! So true and funny!
Just a little update... things have been kind of crazy in my world, I am getting a little panicked about everything i have to do to graduate (hopefully) in december. It's all things I am capable of doing, just I'm not sure if I can handle preparing it all at once... but I am trying my best.
It's been two weeks since that conversation with B (time goes so fast)!! I think I need to make a move in the next week at most. I want to call him when I am feeling good and not weird!!!
A couple days ago my cello teacher came in and told me she thought I needed a better instrument to play on during my recital in November. *definitely* a topic to possibly discuss with B. Now that I realize that asking for help seems to get positive results, there are a LOT of things I could ask him for help with !!! without being needy, of course.
Other than that... you know... eating salad and ... fantasizing about buying a custommade ballgown on ebay for my recital!! clouds of billowy yellow silk, anyone??
Not that it was hard to read, just my brain would get sort of overloaded and I would need to put the book down after a couple pages. Very unusual for me since I am quite a book devour-er! But, honestly it was totally worth it. It helped me dig deeper than anything else I've read.
Hello Transformer/Essie,
First, thank you, Transformer, for recommending this book to Kalni. I'm glad I stepped into her thread that night and saw your post. Actually, I'm only about 50 pages into it right now, but I feel an excitement about getting home so I can read it, in a way that not often comes around to me. I am a librarian and, ironically, have been so far removed from reading ANYTHING in the past six months since the bomb and separation from my husband.
The only thing I do not like about reading it, is that the book is a library copy, and I cannot write in it, or underline. Here is an example on pg. 14:
"...your differentiation is important in two ways: you'll probably have to differentiate from much of what you've learned -- and society still believes -- about how to achieve hot sex and deep intimacy, if you're interested in having either. It doesn't involve "communication" or giving in to your partner -- it involves "holding onto yourself." (And we all have to hold onto our SELF).
The author goes on to explain that we, as humans, have to "increase" our holding onto ourselves if we want to have intimacy, or (as he says ... "explore your sexual potential with your spouse.")
In my case, there is no possibilty of exploration because the spouse is gone. I can't really even hope for that possibility anymore after the conversation I had tonight with my sister-in-law. (Maybe if I have enough personal energy to log it onto my thread tomorrow, I'll do so).
I can,however, appreciate this following passage, which is on pg. 18:
"The issue of "trust" is one huge boondoggle in marriage, and in marital and sex therapy, too."
I know the author is referring to himself here, but I wanted to say that in my marriage, I trusted my husband 100 percent. And I always thought it was "after it worked." So, I guess I'm pretty gullible. Oh well...
Sounds like I will need a translator for that book...
T, thanks for your post and for always checking on me.
Are you blond? Cant remember... Yellow? I am not sure how yellow looks on stage. What shoes would you wear with yellow? Dont tell me black. Too strong of a contrast.
Yes, asking for help seems to work well with you. So, next week another phone call?
Good Luck with your on going issues. You can do it. Maybe cut back on your bellydanicngheadstandingyogaexercisingsuahillilearningmuffinmakingfacexercising etc etc activities for a couple of months and graduate on December (teasing you!!!) Take care K
(((poet))) thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on passionate marriage! I am so excited that *you* are excited about reading it! the quotes you posted are great... it is really helpful to see them again. that's cool that you are a librarian! I love libraries and used to joke on the BB that I was the "librarian" of the BB ("if you're looking for XYZ info, go to ABC thread in FGH forum..."). Also because I read every single relationship book that anyone recommended to me... and that's part of why I knew passionate marriage was really special! I don't know what happened last night with your sister-in-law or the details of your situation, but there does seem to be a pattern of when the LBS really gives up, sometimes BAM! the WAS suddenly reappears on the scene. So if your heart is telling you to let go, then maybe that is what you should do. But for some reason many "hopeless" cases become hopeful...
(((kalni))) I am so happy to "see" you on my thread! I am actually brunette. People have told me yellow looks good on me. Isn't it funny, I haven't even thought about the shoes. You are my Shoe Guidance Counselor! thank you for teasing me
this morning I was thinking about it and started dancing and singing in my kitchen. It made me feel so good, so I put on the video while I was making breakfast, and then on a whim, I decided to send it to B with a one-line, Saw this and thought of you, I hope you are doing awesome!
I just checked my email, and this was his response: Wow... Wow... I'm not even sure how to respond! The golden draped chair, her facial expressions, the changing colors, the vocals... When did this happen? 1975? truly a new art: chair dancing!
Thanks! Hope you're well, B
And then... an hour later he sent another one: PS. Have you tried the corn chowder recipe in the sept issue of the week [a magazine he introduced me to that we are both obsessed with]? it's not bad...
YAYYYYYY!!! He did not have to email me back AT ALL, and then he did once, and then again later???
YAYY!!!!! I need to call him soon, I have been procrastinating! Even though when I think about it, I think all the times I've called him in the past few months, we've had a lot to talk about or he sounded happy to hear from me or both, so why am I waiting????
Other news: I had a total breakthrough today in one of my ensembles. I wish you guys could hear the music! So exciting! It was the situation I was going to ask B for advice about, now I guess I will have to ask advice about something else on my list...???
ESSIE! It's so nice to see you. thank you for the vote of confidence on the dress. It is a little crazy, I would be ordering it on ebay custom made from china, but... I might just do it. It makes me excited to think about.
Ok, I just went ahead and emailed him back instead of waiting until I would have time to call and making him wait. So if he doesn't email me back I'll probably just wait a little bit and then call....
Well done ! I think I am back to square one too, in fact, your sitch is racing ahead of mine T! I liked that he emailed you twice, he is positively nearly stalking you Oh and that clip was hilarious! Is she insane!? (probably).
Did you read anymore of the Pluto conjunct Moon stuff? Just google it, as in, natal (not by transit), theres loads of good stuff on the internet on it.
Ali xxx PS: I must get that book! For future reference...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Oh and that clip was hilarious! Is she insane!? (probably).