Wow – I’m surprised – but not – to find you on this site. You have mentioned two of my favorite sites. I’m so glad that we have the support of those sites.
Yes, I have grown in the Lord through all of this. I can’t wait to see how God is going to use this with my husband and me. I already know that God is using me and that what is about to happen in our lives will affect so many people. So many people are watching me.
I am really sorry that you are going through this for so long. I am sure that for other people to know that it last this long and you can wait it out (with God’s direction) will encourage other people to “hang on” as well. Even if one marriage is saved it will be worth the pain. However, if you aren’t into being a servant of God I’m not sure how long you could do this on your own strength. (And I don’t want to know.)
You have encouraged me – I know that you have encouraged others. You are in my prayers.
I have come across some incredible Christians on this site over the years -- however two that I am thinking of now are no longer posting. But they were big inspirations to me and one would ocasionally e-mail me helping me to keep my focus in those early, turbulent years.
So the Lord has His people scattered everywhere. But that's what makes it so exciting --there is someone out there to encourage you when you most need it!
I really don't look at my situation as being very long and drawn out. In fact --to be honest --time has totally flown by. One of my dear friends in the Conway group had her husband return about two years ago. But altogether his entire time in MLC was close to ten years. He is still settling in in some ways --but in most aspects he is as fine if not better than ever before. She could not have held on that entire time in her own strength --she had to lean on the Lord or she could easily have given up. Now she is so very glad that she "kept the faith"!
Honestly, this is such a hard place to be, but when your focus is on the Lord, it just seems to make things so much easier.
My Prodigal returned after a lengthy MLC and it has been about 19 months now since he came home. We have our normal ups and downs, but things seem "normal" again.
They really do came out of the fog they are in, but they have to do this in their own time, at their own pace. Believe me when I tell you, you absolutely do not want a MLC'er living at home with you.
Sending you love and prayers,
BND
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
BND, my husband lives at home with us and he never moved out.
I just lost 20 minutes of typing...Ugh!!!
So, to recap. I can see changes.
Ottocat and whoever else believes in prayer. Please pray for me. I know my life is about to change in a BIG way. I will be back to the board but I don't know when.
I still stand by what I said previously....You do not want a MLC'er still at home with you, especially if they are involved in another relationship.
But, I guess each person knows what they can handle, and what they can't.
I was lucky I guess, my Husband moved far away, and I didn't have to witness everything he did. It was bad enough to hear his rantings over the phone and receive ugly emails.
When he first moved out of the house, I was devastated, but he lived only 10 minutes away. After a few months of that, he chose to move 3000 miles away. Now I see this as a blessing, because I could never have handled running into him or having him come over to the house regularly, when he was in MLC.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Snow, let me say a few things here. 1st you made a comment that I sound "bitter" and I "take it out on you guys" LOL No, in fact, I am not bitter, on the contrary, I have let go of a lot of things from the past. I can assure you that I am not taking anything out on anyone. You also made the statement "God wins in an MLC" I would like to know how God wins in something like that. Snow, the Lord gave us all brains with the ability to make choices. With that being said, I do believe that God allows us to choose our own destiny, he says it over and over in the Bible, and at the end of days he will render judgement based on those choices. Anyway, Snow, I am terribly sorry if I hurt your feelings with my statements, I am just the type of person that if you expect the worst, the best is a pleasant suprise. You were also right when you said that MLC is different in situations, I think I pointed out that SOME spouses do return, however many more do not. Snow, you also made this statement " After all of this MLC stuff, the last thing people want to do is come back on this board and talk about it" Come on Snow! If I were fighting for my marriage, it would be the FIRST thing I would want to do! Check out the MLC successes on this page, I think there are like 30 or 35 cases of reunion, a few, but not a huge number. Hopefully you will be number 36 on that thread!
To be honest ---I DON'T THINK that many folks who finally re-unite with their spouses have the time or the focus of wanting to get back on the board and share their results. From what I am seeing ---the "coming back together" has many ups and downs and that can take quite a bit of time. By the time the spouse returns ---the MLC issues finally extinquish themselves --"a lot of water has gone under the proverbial bridge" --and quite typically the spouse who stood for the marriage all this time simply wants to get on with a happy life.
I think it would be wonderful if everyone who reunited would share their happiness with all of us ---but in many cases it is very understandable why this doesn't happen.
And yes --Brandnewday --you are right ---it is much harder to have the spouse in the home while in MLC. The good thing is that you have constant contact with the MLC'er --and in some ways that can be beneficial - if your nerves can stand it! I think the Lord gives us the situations that best work for us. In my case --having my H home would have been horrendous. And it certainly would have adversely affected my already compromised health.
To be honest ---I DON'T THINK that many folks who finally re-unite with their spouses have the time or the focus of wanting to get back on the board and share their results. From what I am seeing ---the "coming back together" has many ups and downs and that can take quite a bit of time. By the time the spouse returns ---the MLC issues finally extinquish themselves --"a lot of water has gone under the proverbial bridge" --and quite typically the spouse who stood for the marriage all this time simply wants to get on with a happy life.
I think it would be wonderful if everyone who reunited would share their happiness with all of us ---but in many cases it is very understandable why this doesn't happen.
And yes --Brandnewday --you are right ---it is much harder to have the spouse in the home while in MLC. The good thing is that you have constant contact with the MLC'er --and in some ways that can be beneficial - if your nerves can stand it! I think the Lord gives us the situations that best work for us. In my case --having my H home would have been horrendous. And it certainly would have adversely affected my already compromised health.
In the end ---the Lord knows the best! ---Ottocat
Ottocat, I'm not going to continue batting this back and forth, you have the right to your opinion, and I respect it. I disagree with your belief that many who reunite don't come back. Even if they didn't come back, they develop friendships on this board and I am quite certain they would tell them, and they in turn would relay the good news to all of us here. No Ottocat, the plain cold truth to the matter is this. Once someone enters this awful tunnel, they leave it all behind, with rare exceptions. In saying that, I personnally wish that no one would have to go through this, and I wish everyone could have thier spouses back, I honestly do. Unfortunately, I am afraid that it rarely happens. Perhaps you and Snow will be ones that it happens to! I sincerely mean that, but be prepared to live your own life if it doesn't, and please don't waste your life on someone who doesn't want or love you. I guess those are the 2 biggest lessons I have learned here. I felt like I did all I could to reunite, but in the end, she didn't want it or me. I have accepted that and moved on. I thank God every night that I didn't waste anymore of my life on someone who chose this path. As a result, I am a much happier person and so much more at peace with myself.
BND - Whether they live at home or live away - it doesn't make any difference (my ex lived away for some of the time). It all hurts. And it hurts because it is supposed to hurt.
Braveheart - yes, God does allows us to go our own way...for a while. When others are praying for us God will use those prayers to help change our minds. It is ultimately up to us as to whether or not we want to obey what God is telling us to do. Prayer changes things. Also, I said "God wins in this MLC." I know that he doesn't win in all the MLCs. God didn't win in my ex's MLC. I walked away nine months before my ex wanted to come back. By then I was already going another direction. I quit praying for the return of my husband and for my marriage. It was me that left not God.
Nothing is different in this MLC - God gave me a choice. I could go another way or I could stay and let God lead me and my husband. God told me that there would be pain. There has been. BUT God also told me what was going to happen in the end. We aren't to the end yet. Let's just say that there is going to be rejoicing in heaven and on earth.
When I stopped focusing on me and my pain and could focus on my husband and see the pain that he was dealt as a child...I started understanding the pain that he went through. Sometimes I can't stand to think about it because it brings tears to my eyes that anyone would have to go through what he went through ALONE as a child. He was emotionally abandoned as young child by his entire family. I won't do that to him. I won't abandon him. I don't know how much of the past that he has been able to process. He has processed some of it and I know he hasn't processed all of it. Maybe he doesn't love me, Braveheart, but maybe he doesn't know how. All he knows is that when he needed someone when he was a young child everyone left him. They moved out, they died, or they sat in bars getting drunk trying to drink away their pain and they left the little kid alone.
God has asked me to love this man while he goes through the processing of clearing his past so he can move on. I'm going to do that. And because I love him unconditionally I do not expect anything in return. I don't expect apologies...he as a young child didn't learn them so he doesn't know how to sincerely give them. I don't expect him to love me...because as a young child he didn't learn how.
One day my husband will have his eyes opened as to what has been going on. One day he will suddenly know what he was supposed to learn at a young age he never had an opportunity to learn. And on that day my husband will be broken. He will be humbled. He will realize all the people he has hurt, not just recently, but all of the people he hurt his entire life. The experience will bring him to his knees. That will be the day he hits bottom and from there he will be able to rebuild his life. How do I know this? Because about four weeks ago God let me have an experience of my own. Because something was taken away from me around the age of ten it changed my life forever. Over the years I hurt people without meaning to. However, since it was taken away from me at a young age I never learned the things I needed to learn. It was earth shattering for me. I spent hours apologizing to my family (husband included). I had to apologize to co-workers, close friends, my dad - he was the hardest one, my kids, the list goes on. I just didn't know. I knew when I had the experience that it was so that I would understand the pain that my husband is going to feel. It is just through typing it again tonight though that I realize that it happened to me around the same age all the bad stuff happened to my husband.
Ottocat - I want to be able to come back when it's all over and let everyone know that we are okay BUT I'm hoping I don't have time. I am hoping that I am just too busy living my life with my husband that I don't have time.
I have been reading your thread but not posting. You know how I feel and where I stand on this.
You are doing what you feel led to do by God. Good for you.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
