I was a typical HD man. My wife (a typical LD woman) was very accomodating and was of the mindset that it's the husband's part to take the initiative in sex and the woman should just lay there and let him do his thing. I didn't care because we had taken each other's virginity and I was finally getting sex.
....my wife (who is less religious than me) saw the example of her promiscuous 10yr older sister and the trouble that flowed from her behavior and so turned away from that side of herself.
For the last couple of years, I noticed my sex drive slipping, at first imperceptibly. I started blaming my wife; there have been many heated arguments about why I want her to do so much new things, can't I just be happy with what I get, and so on. I'm not asking for fetish sex, multiple partners, or anything else unusual. Just for her to initiate sex once in a while and be more than an immobile if willing vessel in bed.
2)She probably feels cheated from having a "normal" man who will take whatever sex he can get.
The above description raises an alarm flag with me, although it doesn't sound unusual for your backgrounds/beliefs. It sounds to me like she is simply doing the "wifely duty" bit --> permitting you to have simple intercourse until you have your orgasm....done. To that I would say:
BOTH of you are missing out on the wonderful, God-given, pleasures to be had between a married man and woman. The primary purpose of sex is not procreation, and it isn't a duty a wife performs for her husband so he can 'get off.' The primary purpose of sex is to bind the man and woman together as a couple in pleasure, in love, and in a level of physical and emotional intimacy that nothing else can surpass. To that I would add that NOTHING is sinful or dirty that goes on between a husband and wife in an exclusively monogamous, married relationship, as long as coercion or abuse is not involved.
How would you answer the following questions (and yes, these are personal, so don't answer if you feel too uncomfortable:
(1) Has she, past or present, explored her own sexuality in any way? (2) Does she masturbate? (3) How do you feel about masturbation, yourself? (4) Does she touch and try to pleasure you during sex? (5) Does she permit you to try to pleasure her to orgasm? (6) Have you been able to successfully stimulate her clitorally to orgasm? (7) Do either of you give / receive oral stimulation?
These will give us some idea as to where you / her are sexually at the moment. My initial thought is that the two of you should seek out and start seeing an AASECT certified Sex Therapist in your area, preferably one with a pro-marriage viewpoint and also an experienced couples counselor. It may take the input of that third party to convince her that change is necessary AND will be very beneficial to your relationship.
Finally, you mentioned having a copy of The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women, in addition to a copy of The SSM. Has your wife read either of these? Would she be receptive to the idea of reading them if you asked her?
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
