H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[kelaaron]

Dawn,

So sorry to hear about the videos. I know that must have been hard. Just do your best to let it go. It is necessary for you.

The suicide thing really bothers me. Your biz is going to suffer right now cuz you are living in He**. People are right that it is the enemy putting those thoughts in your head. Try if possible to find some faith. Turn to God or whatever you want to call it. I have found that spending time praying, talking to the universe, helps me to just get it all out. I have managed to let go of anger that I have held onto like a liferaft for most of my life just in the last few months. Honey, I too know the anorexia/bulimia route. That is so dangerous. Working that one out for myself again. Just try to eat. Try to sleep. A friend who is having her own depression problems suggested something to me last night. She said she makes it very dark in her bathroom, just two candles, puts on "mood music" and soaks in a bathtub with Jasmine, trying to just relax, and she says it is helping her. She has fought depression for a long time and she too recently got on AD. I was recently told by a spiritual healer to bathe in sea salts. She says they pull out the guilt and negativity. Also to burn incense or smuge the house with sage to remove negativity. I don't know where your head is with these things but I learned over the years that the peacefullness of God, nature, and the universe can be very soothing. Did you know people actually go soak in the Dead Sea to remove impurities from their bodies? I had forgotten that until just now but I have known about it for years. Maybe the sea salt bath isn't such a bad idea.

I was crying yesterday, and my S said I thought those pills were supposed to stop that, they aren't working. You and I both know that it doesn't quite work that way. They help with the normal stuff, but occasionally the situation is too much and you have to let it out.

Just keep plugging along. Call a hotline if you need to. H, work, none of it is worth suicide. You are a wonderful person and have been an inspiration to me.

[glamgirl]

Dawn you have so much on your plate right now. Everytime I read your thread "ICE" comes to me. Not sure if that is an accurate assessment, but it seems like your home is built on ice right now.

Did you go on the webiste divorceasfriends.com? There is some great advice on the resentment and anger piece. It comes from within. You will need to let that go before anything could possibly work with your h.

It's not all about keeping the house clean, cooking, maintaining your own appearance. What is missing is that emotional bond to keep you connected to your h. It sounds like your h has identified that for you too. When you can love unconditionally, you will have love, compassion, empathy, appreciation, respect, admiration for your h and it will come out in your interactions with him.

Right now, that can't happen! I am sure you have a wall up when you are around your h and he can sense that. When the wall is up, your h will escape to ow and will do so frequently, hence the cell phone calling, texting. I don't think that sounds uncommon for your h. He is putting himself front and center in this ow's life.

I know that when h and I were really connected, we would talk upwards of 15+ times a day. We would just keep each other updated throughout the day. Especially if your h's ow lives far away this is one way to stay connected with her.

The barrier needs to come down Dawn between you and your h. It starts with you loving yourself. If you can't love yourself how can you love your h? Spend time with YOU! What do you love about yourself. Keep those positive thoughts going!

Just a few that we have learned about you; amazing artist, awesome story telling skills, determination, beautiful fit body. See Dawn, find things about yourself that you love and look yourself in the mirror and say "I love you" to yourself. Once Dawn, you can truly love yourself then you can truly love your h.

I do think you need some outside intervention. If you go to a church they may have some c's on staff or just look for someone in your area. This will help you to talk about things.

Think of your h as a roomate right now. How would you treat a new roomate that just moved into your home. Here are some examples; H I made some cookies today enjoy some if you like; H I am going to Target today is there anything you want me to pick up for you; H I thought I would watch the movie Gladiator this evening would you like to join me?

When you say and do these things they must come from the heart and not out of resentment or anger or it's pointless. Expect nothing in return, but you are opening the door.

In my sitch, h and I were so distant. Now look at my h. I was persistant and prayed and prayed and prayed some more for both me and my h.

God bless Dawn! Hugs!

[Dawn of Hope]

I think this thread is about to lock, so I have started a new one for when it does: This is your life on MLC!

I am feeling a bit better than I was yesterday. I need to get back to work now, but I will be back on the board this evening to respond to everyone who has posted to me since I went to bed last night. Thank you all so much for your support, advice, encouragement and caring! Further comments, support, and (wince) 2x4s welcome!

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

After the agonizing period of the last two days, I am almost back to "normal"...whatever that is. I stay on my ADs because without them, I'm that much of a basket case ALL the time! It is not fun. {Flash the big UNDERSTATEMENT sign here.)

Thank you so much, everyone who has posted to me about this. I was going to respond individually to everyone, but I am running low on sleep so I can barely keep my eyes open. I am very pleased that I have started turning around my sleep patterns; for months now I've been going to bed around 6 a.m. except for once or twice a week, never consecutively, and usually not earlier than 2 or 3 a.m. For the last two nights, I've gone to bed just after 3 a.m. (For the first of those, H was already in bed for over an hour--weeknight, you know. Last night I was actually in bed about 15 minutes before H came to bed, which is ridiculously unusual.) Now it's not even 1:30 a.m. and I'm heading that direction, although we will have to see how sidetracked I get along the way.

I'll have to post more when I don't need toothpicks to keep my eyelids up.

Peace,
Dawn