Trying2Live-New Post #2

[hope3343]

JGrind, the night is ending and you will have survived this tough anniversary. Do you think he forgot it was 16 years? I pray you will be reconciled next anniversary. I am down tonight. D out at football game and I know H is out with OW tonight. I am hoping the more time they spend they will realize that this is a false relationship.

I have a friend that sends me these daily devotionals from rejoice ministries that talk about the prodigal spouse and about fathers and their children. So I created a fake e-mail through google and send one of them to H's e-mail. It talks about how D hurts the children and being the father they should be. I think I will continue to send one here and there. Let him figure out who it is. I know it will make him nervous. This is what I do when I stress. At least I did not call him.

[hope3343]

Wow am I mad and furious. I was looking for articles about the "mind of the other woman" and came across a website dedicated to the "other woman". I was so furious I just put it as a topic under Infidelity. How dare they. I am looking to see if the OW with my H has posted. it is sick sick sick.
http://www.gloryb.com. Wanted to pass it along.

[Trying2live]

Oh my gosh so I'm jumping on here really quick while the H is out with the kids. I gotta tell ya'll our convo....

So we had the plans for the pumpkin patch with the kids after he got off work today. Well he called in sick and wanted to pick up S10 from school.

He arrived here at the house an hour early so he made a list of more chores he wanted to do.

I get ready to leave and say I'll see you after a while. He says well how am I going to get in?

I say oh here take my garage door opener and go through the garage.

He says you know I still have the other one.

I say I know you do but I reprogrammed it and yours doesn't work anymore.

He then says with a grin on his face, well maybe I should reprogram it too.

I say with a grin on my face no way buddy not until your ready to come home full time so don't even think about it.

We both half laughed and changed the subject. No way Mr. H. you can't come and go as you please. So whadda ya guys think about that convo??

So anyways he texts me he has my son and they are going to Home Depot. I say have fun and was son excited. He say very excited.

So I decided to meet admiration needs, I text him this, " Awe i wish I could have seen his face. That was so sweet of you to come and do that for son. You could have taken the whole day to yourself since you called in sick and you didn't you thought of our son instead sniffle...."

yup working the admiration! Ok he's back gotta go..

[hope3343]

T2L, great conversation with H...definite flirting. I pray that this will be a success story. Keep us posted.

[JGrind]

hey everyone,

Well Im leaving work early tonight. I really should stay all night to help keep my mind off things, but since kids are with H, OW, and her kids ( one BIG happy family -NOT!!) I am taking advantage of the time to myself. Since I wont be sleeping all day tommorrow i'll finish landscaping and go see Fireproof.

Hope and TXmom - Im confused. TXmom your point about the more H is with family that is less time around OW. I can agree with that b/c they need to be around us more to realize the changes we are working so hard to make, but on the other hand, Hope, I can also agree with maybe the more H is around OW the more he may get sick of her. D11 made a comment to me this eve in front of H about a pet bird at his house. I looked at H and said "you hate birds!" He kinda rolls his eyes and says "yeah I know". Sounds like OW has officially moved in if shes now moving pets in. Also interesting, OW smokes. H hates being around smokers. I hope the more time he's with her the more annoying things he'll find out about her. Afterall, he did with me - but Ill have had a chance to improve on myself. I dont know, what do you guys think?

T2L - I envy that your H gives you time of day. You must really be working him over! Admiration needs. Does complimenting fit under that category? Yesterday H had new collared work shirt on. Eventhough it was just a workshirt he looks way better with a collar than just a plain Tshirt and I wanted to compliment him, but couldnt get past D11's meltdown, my H's response, and my need to say what I thought. What's the fine line though? b/c my H's way of thinking is very negative also (shout out to TXmom) and he'd probably take a compliment from me as trying to "suck up". He's already said in an early letter to me that "although now you want to make amends, I cannot accept b/c I will always feel you are being forced"

Well Im outta here. Hey where's twinhope and Marisol????

[Trying2live]

Ok Im pooped its after midnight just gonna update you all a little and then come back on tomorrow afternoon, have a morning football game with son.

OMG OMG OMG you guys ok listen to this.....

So he just left. Its 10:30. I walk him to door and send son off to brush his teeth. My H reaches out and HUGS ME!!!! HOLY COW!

We have had almost no contact and no physical contact for 5 1/2 months. He didn't want to let go. He held on to me. I say wow your hug feels really good and I try to pull away but he's holding me. So I finally he pulls away and I flirt with him and he says you are you soliciting me? I say well I'm sure you can understand that I'm by my self and you are not. He says how do you know that? I say I don't.(I'm wondering if he's with her?) I smile and say hey you know where I live. He says yes I do.
Then he says I'm going to be around more. I say great. He says, that's what my son wants right?(I think he was feeling my answer out) I say well no it's what we all want but it needs to be what you want. So we smile at each other and I close the door.

OMG OMG OMG. I still have NO expectations, but it sure felt good to have my H hold me just for a moment.

Ok Jgrind I'm gonna reply to you tomorrow. I know you mentioned that admiration needs but did you take the test in the book i mentioned. Because you need to meet YOUR H top 5 need per the book. Now YOUR H's needs may be different than mine. So you need to take the test in the back of the book as if it was him so you can figure out what they are. There would be no need to meet admiration if it wasn't one of his top 5 make sense?

So explain to me that last line in your last post. Why can't he forgive you or what ever it was he said to you. Sorry I cant remember. Also some of the talk is fog babble remember so take it with a grain of salt.

[JGrind]

T2L, please give me link to the questionare. Youre obviously doing something right. Your encounter with H makes my heart flutter! H initiated hugs on a few occasions for about the first month after he left, but they were out of guilt. This hug sounds sincere.

OK, that quote by my H was in response to a letter that I had written him shortly after he confessed A. It was heartfelt on my part, but from a DB perspective probably a big NO NO. Apologetic, accepting blame, committing to change, and attempting to reason . In his letter back to me he explains :

"I understand and respect what you say. I did love you at one time for a long time and I never looked at it as throwing all the years away. But I had issues and you knew of them, but you chose to turn away and not address them. Now you want to make amends, but justifully I cannot accept them, b/c no matter what you do or say I will always think that you are being "forced" to do them. If you wanted this s@#t then you would've attempted years ago when I expressed my displeasure. But I shouldnt have to leave you to get my way. I know I sound selfish, but I cannot live a fake life anymore. I need to be happy and I will be happy even if it means living alone the rest of my life. I thought hard about this and I knew what to expect. I know you're hurt and Im sorry but if Im not happy then it is miserable for everybody. I know you think OW is the cause, but if I were happy emotionally this would not be an issue. I know you keep saying it is not right, but for years I have been "talking" and you have not been "listening". And like I told you before, I dont give a s#@t no more. I am done living our life for our kids"

I dont even know why I keep this letter.


hope3343- checked out the OW website and HATED it. The stories were depressing - but interesting b/c the marriages described just seemed way more extremely worse than what I considered mine to be. And also, I didnt stumble upon a OW "success story" yet.
There were a few respectful articles under the "articles" tab. One of which I printed out ( the emotional cost of infidelity). Yet the whole website was so disturbing dont know if I could go back to it.

OK it is 3am. I might as well have stayed at work tonight!
Good night everyone.

[Trying2live]

Jgrind, Ok can you you get the book? It called Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley? The questionnaire is in the back of of the book.
But
But I remeind everyone that I have read 3 books and have implemented different parts of each book into my life. Like DB I implemented GAL and 180. I think for you these 2 things are going to be powerful. My suggestion to you is to really GAL and 180 for sure. It sounds as if the talk and letters are not going to be a route for you. It wasn't for me either. Withing 3 weeks of my discovery I had already found books and began inhaling them. I learned right away to stop the chase- which I think DB has in it as well. This brought massive confusion to H to when at about 1 month he said well if you want me back so bad why aren't you begging me. Everything I have read so far seems to suggest stop the chase and talks. So I did and real hard. We even completely cut him off abt 2 months in(even my kids did, but they are older so it doesn't apply to lil kids). We did this mostly because of the angry craziness to protect ourselves really. Then the kids started visits with him after abt a month of that, but during the visits I was in my room, unavailable or not here(I have a 17 year old). A few times I cam out as he left super dressed up and ready to go somewhere. He was particularly bothered that visit with the kids. Then we cut him off again because he was being an a** in August. so yes everyone see's the progress but you I want everyone to remember I had to get to a serious place of stopping the chase. I have had almost no contact with him for 5 1/2 months, or very little should I say maybe 3 emails a month. I think stopping the chase is in DB book as well.
It sounds like your H is going to need to see changes(and I am in no way endorsing what he did, because it doesn't matter if you weren't perfect). But I had a few coaching sessions with Jody from DB and the 1st thing she recommend is very little or hardly no communication at all to reduce all negative emotions.
Jgrind, my suggestions is for you to concentrate on you right now. Implement your 180 and GAL(H needs to see a different you). The GAL is very important and I think its a natural tendency for us to skip it because we think it's for us and we want them. But the H's need to physically see us GAL. IT reverses in their minds. They begin to think well why is she GAL, is she going to live with out me? I'm sure my H thought why is she taking salsa lessons? How can she be doing that at a time like this?
Then I tried to 180 things I could see really easy. Then I 180 with the marital techniques in the Surviving An Affair book and then I 180 on anything I heard him complain about.
I had to get to the place of not being afraid of if he will come back or not to be able to stop the chase. I firmly believe that chasing, either by talking about the relationship, laying guilt by lack of fatherly duties, being clingy, wanting to talk to much just pushes them away. So I stopped all of it. I stopped saying I love you with in 2 weeks because of another book i read.
The things they think when we say I love you is funny but makes so much sense.
My personal opinion and its just an opinion, is GAL hard go find something kinda fun and unexpected by your H that you've always wanted to try ex. ballroom dancing or something.
Do a 180 and fast. If you've been chasing then stop. Do fix all the things he complained about and is complaining about now too.
Pull your self back from him just a bit to reduce negative emotions. If you see him in passing during visits be cheerful friendly confident and unavailable.
The book I recommended say's these affairs usually die a natural death. It may take some time and it really depends if we last or decided enough is enough.

Do those things and go get the book.

Ok so i've blabbed my head off, gonna go to a football game with my son will, then to a salsa lesson, but will be back in the late evening pacific time so if I can give you any other info I know about ask away, it's the least I can do.

I want to also try tonight to give you guys that list of things I declared and prayed over my H that I believed was helpful.

[JGrind]

T2L,
Thanks for your reply. I understand everything you are saying. H left 4mo ago. I broke and as a result I made some serious DB NO NOs including the letter I referred to in last post. I quickly found out my behavior was pushing H away further. With every "why?" or "please" or "ILY" he stood more steadfast in his choices. H was right in one thing by saying I had to let him go. So although, deep down, I really didnt want to, I looked him straight in the eye and said I wanted to leave the past behind and move on....... without him. Sincethen I have gobbled up every piece of literature I could find (including DR) and renewed my relationship with God. I humbly asked his forgiveness for my waning faith and decided right then I had to work on my relationship with him before I could get anywhere in my relationship with H. I had to let H go and hold onto God instead.

I have been trying hard to apply Christian and DR principles. I have found a wonderful church for me and my children. And I make it a point every evening at dinner to sit together - and make time for prayer. H idea of family time seemed to be involvement in the kids many extracurricular activities. H coaches S11 baseball team for 4 years now. He has also taken on additional responsibilites for the league including executive officer and treasurer - all just this recent season. Although I was proud of his involvement with the kids and our community - he is excellent with the ball players as a coach, and is well liked (and I told him so more than once). Just before he dropped the bomb on me I expressed how much I missed him. Then not long after that came his confession of an A with another mom whose son plays ball for H. I considered her a friend, we had lots of fun at the games and even outside of baseball. We even graduated high school together. But she was in an unhappy relationship herself - 17yr with a heavy drinker who was verbally abusive and controlling. Ironicly my H is also a big drinker, but he has always been a responsible , hardworking family man and never raised his voice or hands toward me. I think OW was just waiting for her chance at him probably for quite some time - and she seized the opportunity.

I continued to attend games for the remainder of season with OW there. As hard as it was, I was upbeat, mingled with other families and watched my S do what he loves most - playing ball. OW was NOT going to deter me from that. Ive been seeing a personal trainer and I plan to join a recreational volleyball team and start some kickboxing as soon as my trainer approves it (I need to gain muscle and weight back before doing too much cardio). H and I have very little conversation or contact, but when we do, I do make it a point most of the time not to be overly available. As I explained in past posts, I am very passive and indecisive in nature, so my big 180 is to learn assertiveness. I am doing assertiveness training with T. I have had a few opportunities to use these skills on my H, which left him speechless. Im not sure yet if it really is working or if it is just pi%#ing him off. But assertiveness to me is very much like tough love - it must be done. Yet, I need to find the balance between that tough love and meeting those emotional needs of his at the same time. I am on my way out to see Fireproof, then I will stop at bookstore and look for the book you are recommending. Again, thank you for your support. May God keep us strong and steadfast.

[hope3343]

Hi All, first T2L, a real hug. I have hope for you. It took you awhile to get to this place. I have to remind that to myself every day.
I know that H was with OW last night and it bugged me. Today H played golf and I was waiting for him to call D and finally I called him at 5 because I had plans to go out to listen to Irish music downtown. I asked if he was going out and he started asking where I was going and I said why do you want to know. I asked how his night was and he starts babbling about saying he went out for awhile. So I let slip out don't bother we all know where you went. I think he was mad. But I got ready to go out and as I was leaving H walks in. He said you look really nice, we chatted for a minute and I leave. No hug or anything. I went and watched the band which was really good but all I kept thinking about is that H is the one who loved this type of music and here I am alone. I got home and he was already gone. Don't know if he is going to church tomorrow but I won't count on it.
Your right JGrind, we both built a closer relationship with God, I have faith but I still try to control. It is tough to just let go. Your letter that your H gave you was basically what my H said to me but saying he was never happy for 21 years (originally it was 12), I pray every night for reconcillation.

Also -- just wondering if you all are still wearing your wedding band? I am -- and I know H saw it when I left but I can't bear to take it off...just wondering. take care.