Max. I know Sandi will hate this suggestion, and I'm not saying you SHOULD do this because only you know your situation and the personalities involved, but what do you think about YOU telling your kids what happened?
When I told my kids what was going on (and they're the exact same ages as your kids) they both THANKED me for telling them the truth. Maybe it would allow them to see WHY their Dad is acting the way he is? Maybe it would allow them to have some empathy for him.
Both my kids are/were angry with their mother for what she did, but they still LOVE her. Did it put a crimp in their relationship? Yes, but it also shows them that people are fallible and make mistakes, but that doesn't mean she is a bad person. I made sure they understood that I accepted my part in the problems in our marriage that led to this and I told both of them I would not accept them being disrespectful to their mother.
I know there are a lot of people who disagree strongly with informing kids what's going on. I also know there are people who strongly agree that the kids need to know the truth.
I don't know what the final answer is, but in my case I KNOW it was the right thing to do. I already posted to you my reasons for telling my kids and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I didn't tell my kids for over 7 months because I didn't want them to have to go though the pain, but when I did they were both relieved because they knew already but couldn't say anything to me because what if they were wrong?
Again, not saying you SHOULD do it, but some food for thought.
And to answer your question. It takes A LONG TIME.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Not sure i have the courage. I would have to do it with the support of H. I have been a very hands on mother and die at the thought of them being angry with me. On the other hand I think it would be freeing.
I will mention it to H, as soon as he starts talking to me again. I don,t want him agreeing to it, if he is doing it for points value with kids.
If they are going to be told , it will be because I want them to understand where their father is coming from.
I appreciate advice like this, as your perspective of things are from the same angle as my Hs.
Not sure if it will happen but it is definitely food for thought.
Day of BBQ has dawned. It is s beautiful day. I think H will not go , so as to avoid the whole issue of asking me and being questioned by others of my where abouts.
I have to make situations like this not important to me. I suppose that is GAL.....ah SPM
How much do you think your children know about you and your H's R before the A? In other words, would they be shocked do know what led you to have an A? I think it would be something that you would certainly want to think over and if you think it would be "freeing" for you and since they are grown, then you may want to consider it. However, you said something that made me think you are still trying to protect your H and I really wished you would/could stop doing that. First of all, you cannot go back and undo what has been done. You cannot help your H through this issue that he has to get worked out by himself. If he is not going to listen to others, then he is not going to listen to you and he certainly is not going to accept any "help" from you, so you need to back off with that. I don't think you need to try to be the go-between him and the kids. He has to work his own R with them.....not you. You are feeling guilty! I can understand that, for sure! But, if you tell the kids about the A, be sure it is not so much for their R with their dad as it is what you need to do for your R with your children. Okay?
I know everything he says, does, doesn't do, etc. drives you crazy......however, for the time being, I think you just need to try to act as though you were not married and just consentrate on your own life and stop giving all your attention to him. After all, you need to heal and work through some issues of your own. As long as you are worried sick over him and the children, where does that leave you? You sound like a very selfless person who has devoted her life to her family. Then you made a mistake with that A and your H wants to punish you until he feels better. Well, you just need to let him be and work on you. I know that is easier said than done, but that is how I see it.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
hello, There is a few things im going to say about ur sitch. First of all i can tell you husband is having alot of trust issues. See after my W first affair, i said i forgave, but deep down i didnt, for 8 years it got to the point where she could see it in my eyes. For some reason i felt that she owed me no matter what. Well i pushed away again. Her responce was for 8 years u never trusted me and waited for it to happen again, so it did. You see this last A in a odd way saved my life. I was in a depression, still hadnt truly forgave her, i let it leterley kill me on the inside. I have learned so much about myself and the gift of forgiving. But most of all how important it is keeping your spouse your best friend.
See we lost that so many years ago. Mostly my fault. I have realized that i married W for who she is not who i want her to be. Is it to late for me, probley is. She see's everthing she wants in OM. Except her family. My W tried so hard after the first A, but i never gave my heart back to her until now. So many mistakes, If only she knew everthing i know now.
On the kids thing, my daughter found out about the 2nd A from OM wifes diary that her daughter read and told my D. There relations has never been the same. My daughter is 14 then. D18 knew about the current A 6 months before me. My son knew nothing. About 1 1/2months ago i told my son, W was telling him things that made him think our current situation was my fault, please he had just spent 3days with w and Om at OM parents family get together, it bothered him after he got home. He had been made at me for 4day and wouldnt talk to me. Well i told him about the current A, that it just wasnt a new boyfriend that it had been going on for over a year.
2 min after i told him i 100% regreated it. He did thank me for not lieing to him, and telling him the truth. But the problem is, W puts up walls when this happens and always thinks the kids think of her as a tramp. I have talked to son about this alot, that he cant change his thougts of his mother. He doesnt, but she will always think he does the same as she thinks the other kids do. If you tell the kids, yes u both need to be there. And PLEASE no secrets. It will eat u up, W has made the comments it all out no, at least there is no more secrets.
But i know it is killing her at this point, see i tried for so long to save S15 from all of it but i just couldnt. I never wanted to affect S15 and W relationship. Just please remember, H is going to have lots of Trust issues. Be supportive and open, i think my problem started was when i feel jelouse or threated, uneasy, i didnt talk to W about it. I didnt let her know so she could help me thru it and reassure me. That is a major point that i failed on. I also learned alot from the book his needs/her needs. Wish i would have had it many years ago. Im a totaly different person/father now. Im fighting for my M with everything i have on top of makeing myself a better person.
W has to face her demons first, she is doing it slowly. She came from a very messed up childhood, lot of physical and sexualy abuse, no love showing. So i know that is alot of our issues to. I just wanted to give so advice about the trust thing, this will haunt him for a long time. I think i thought of our marriage as a contract, not a covient. W say that to. Not at first but after the A. The killer is TRUST, he will have to get that back and most of all truly forgive. If u tell the kids, please do so together, no secrets. But most of all treat them better, and dont think different just because they know. Sorry for the long post, i just hope some of this will help us some. Take care and good luck.
Sandi Hi come visit!
Me-39 STBXW-42 together 20yrs M-17 Kids-2 D-18 S-16 Bomb-96 Bomb-2005 bomb- 3/2008 for a year Separated 5/08 Filing in July Today.... Slowly learning a new life!
