I just need to vent

[Livin4ME]

(((Winnie))) Thank you.
Honestly, a few months ago, h*ll, a few weeks ago, I never would have been able to handle that phone call like that. They would have ended the same way the others have...we end up yelling at each other, then me and H end up yelling at each other. He stays there, coming back the next day for his clothes.
I love my H. The last thing in the world I want is a D. But then I sat down and thought about everything that our M has been about. To me, a M is about honesty, love, respect, committment. I thought I had that, then when I thought about it. I did have that on my end...but not on his. One affair, ok. Two affairs, ok. But I've lost track of them. He's a repeat offender. If it was murder instead of affairs, he would be considered a serial killer.
So, to answer your question regarding if I'm done or not...I'll say this. Right now, yes. This has gone on for 7.5 years. But ya know, if he was to make an attempt, I'd think really hard about it. And I'm not saying candy, flowers, diamonds, etc. I'm saying, no more women. If he was to make an attempt to save our M, I would really think hard about if it was worth it. And the candy and flowers would be a plus! ;-)
And really what got me thinking was my kids. I have a 3 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. If I was to stay with all that's going on, with it never changing, we would both be horrible examples for both of them. Again, if it was one affair, or an oops, or two affairs, whatever, it would be different. But this is a serial problem. If we could work thru this and have a successful M, then we would be awesome examples for them. My parents went thru a similar sitch. My mom told me about it last year. They got thru it and have a very strong M now. I think the world of both of them. They got over an affair together and saved their M. That's awesome!
Some may say I'm contradicting myself with what I'm about to say. I learned a very hard lesson thru all this. Even tho I have my 'plan', I'm not harboring on it. My 'plan' will change because life changes. The lesson I've learned that I am actually living right now is this...The past is the past. There's nothing that can be done to change it. It's over. It's done. The future hasn't come yet. Why worry and stress about something that may or may not happen. I'm living for today. I'm living for now. Because that's the only thing I have control over. And even that is borderline! That's how I'm able to cuddle with him, tell him I love him, hold his hand, etc. Because right now, that's what I want to do. And right now I'm able to. Right now, our children see their parents loving each other. I can't think about what's to come later, because it may or may not be that way.
Some may say he's using me. He's got his W and kids at home and he's out whoring himself out. And that's fine. Because they can talk all they want. I wake up every morning and am able to look at myself in the mirror and be ok with how I'm living my life. Everyone else that talks or judges can keep doing it. Because the people that matter in my life will be there for me regardless and they know why I'm doing things. The person having the affair can say the same thing, I know that. And it's a hard thing to debate. But the only thing I can say about it is, I'm still committed to my M. I'm not having an affair or sleeping around. I'm not being a b*tch to him. I'm not kicking him out. Right now, I'm loving him. And when he leaves, that's when my 'plan' will take affect. And again, that's not being a b*tch or evil. That's called perseverance.
Winnie, regarding sticking up for yourself. You deserve it! Every person deserves it! Stick up for what you believe in. Stick up for YOU!! That doesn't mean leave your M. I believe that's the whole point of DB'ing. Live for you. You're still the person he fell in love with and married. He will realize it eventually. In some cases, it's just too late when they do. I feel that everyone makes mistakes, it's what you do after the mistakes that really matter.
And I completely agree with you regarding the people on these boards. They are amazing people with amazing advice. They will comfort you when you're down, and you will be, we all have had our good days and bad. They will be happy for you when you're up. They have great advice, not only in relationships, but for life in general.