TnGuy's Thread

[Bagheera]

In PR's thread, you asked:

You used the phrase "ravish her against her initial resistance". How do you tell such resistance from the real thing? I'm very afraid to do anything against my wife's will with regards to sexuality. I certainly don't want to go to prison.

This is re-post of mine from the First Chapter thread, but I think it answers your question above:

I see four basic 'models' that husbands follow in initiating sex with their wives, some of which work better than others:

(1) The Indirect Approach: commonly used by oft-rejected, insecure husbands. This method usually takes the form of an indirect question such as "Are you tired tonight?" This leaves the woman having to first 'mind read' and figure out the question behind the question, and promptly puts the initiation 'ball' in her court without warning or warm-up. It's a turn-off for her, and rarely works.

(2) The Hand-Off: this is a more direct question, such as "Wanna go upstairs?" While certainly better than (1) it still plops the initiation 'ball' in her court without warning or warm-up, and can still be a turn-off, or more properly stated, it isn't a turn-on. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't.

(3) Seduction: Recognizing that women frequently need time and motivation to warm-up to the idea of making love that night, men should begin their seduction that morning, by emotionally connecting with their wives in non-sexual ways. Build up that connection throughout the day, and once the kids are off to bed, make those connections more sexual, i.e. more seductive. Be confident, and don't be in a hurry -- let her savor the warm-up period. For the husband in a sex-starved marriage, the above is very difficult to do. It means taking a risk, and making himself quite vulnerable to rejection yet again. But if you can find the confident nerve to do it, it will yield far better results for you than approaches (1) or (2).

Most women are content with seduction, but there are a few who would like their husbands to go a step further, and a bit 'darker' on occasion.

(4) Taking Her: even ignoring some initial resistance or refusal. Doing this requires a DEEP bond of trust between husband and wife, and some careful pre-arrangement: as you aptly points out, this does get you into potential 'rape' territory, and BOTH partners need to feel protected and safe in the arrangement.

Three things are a MUST in order to use (4), and need to be discussed openly outside of the bedroom:

(a) The wife must approve of and verbally consent to this form of approach for her husband. In most cases, it really ought to be the wife's idea to pursue this in the first place, NOT the husband's. Thus, permission is indeed given, but well outside of the act.

(b) A safe-word must be established, usually something silly, easy to remember, short (usually two-syllable), and completely unrelated to anything in the bedroom: such as "French Toast!" If at any point in the process the wife uses this safe-word, it means GAME OVER -- STOP IMMEDIATELY: i.e. permission is removed. In addition, any particular 'hard' boundaries need to be openly discussed and agreed to ahead of time (i.e. "Never do XXXX to me").

(c) Trust. The wife must be able to trust that her husband, at ALL TIMES, will respect her boundaries and monitor her physical (and mental) safety --> if the safe-word is used, or even if it isn't but he still feels like a boundary has been potentially crossed, then he stops immediately...period. The husband must trust his wife to monitor herself and inform him immediately if a boundary is approached: he is trusting her to keep them BOTH within the acceptable limits.

As I said, this is an exploration of the 'darker side' of human sexuality, and isn't for everyone. For most women, they're probably better off with this just as a fantasy, and it is not something they would want to adopt in their actual relationship. I definitely WOULD NOT recommend it for a strained relationship, where the bond of trust and the emotional connection between husband and wife are both weak. This ONLY works for a couple with a strong emotional connection and a very high degree of trust between them. I also recognize that (4) is a very politically-incorrect topic to even bring up these days, so hopefully I've covered it in a responsible manner.

One final note TnGuy: as someone who suffered through nearly 20 years of strained marraige and frequent sexual rejections, my own sexual self-confidence is still very much on the mend. I frankly can't take much in the way of initial resistance from my wife, before my own sexual desire plummets, and I call it off before any safe-word is reached (I think she's used it once in the last few months). However, those times when it has worked, and worked well for BOTH of us, have been wonderful for both my self-confidence in approaching my wife, and her self-confidence in her desirability to me. The experiences have been therapudic for both of us in that sense, beyond just the fun and the 'play' of it.

Best regards,

Bagheera