In answer to your question, here is a fantastic description of the stars this weekend and the bigger picture: Priya Kale that I could find anywhere on the internet today.
I agree with Julia... less is more, so I would refrain from invading his personal space! (unless this is a 180 and something he complained about you NOT doing before??). I think you need to relax a little.. if he comes near you, or pats your bottom or whatever you were saying before.. then maybe take the opportunity to steal a kiss of his cheek, but otherwise.. the fact that he said "should I pretend?" sounds kind of brutal and I would have been hurt by that.. but I can see you are trying to see the positives.
Tommorow, Vensu moves into Sag, so the mood lightens and gets more optimistic...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Stay relaxed. Remember to be the real you- just the improved version, not some person who has become everything she perceives H wants her to be... I fall into this trap too- trying hard to be exactly what they want us to be- even if it worked in the short term, it can't work forever unless we are true to ourselves.
You are doing well so far. It sounds like you are doing a good job trying to be playful. I too say try not to stress too much about the physical attention. I think he needs to relax a bit too. I am sure there is mega stress going on under the scenes for both of you now.
Hope your afternoon together goes well, no R talks, unless of course he decides to tell you to move back forever
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
I just went to lunch with a friend and had 2 glasses of wine. Now a bit tipsy and catching the train back. I've been gone for about 5 hours now...
Anyway it was good to talk to my friend who, though single, said she also believes in marriage. She did want me to be harsher on H though, thinks I am letting him get away with too much.Hard when someone's not DBing to explain. I think everyone is right though that I am doing too much. I bought all the makings for a nice dinner and am about to go home and start cooking. This is in line with what I want to do though.
I don't know about the physical affection. I really was trying to be light and playful, and I still think it came across OK. However, from this point on I am going to hang back on this. Now he knows that I am into the physical affection aspect, he can do with this what he will.
He said he just wants to hang out and watch shows tonight. Was hoping for something where we actually left the house together. I don't want R talk, and I wish he didn't act like I was someone who needs to be hidden away. That really doesn't feel very nice. We haven't been out together in months. It's at the house only these days...
Anyway, waiting for the train now. My aim is to get home, drop the groceries off, and take the dogs for a walk. I don't feel like hanging out with H too much at the moment...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So just another journal entry...I think this weekend will be chock full of them. Got home, really amped myself up to get here, saw a rainbow right by my house, decided to be really positive. I got home, and immediately took the dogs on a walk. When I got back, H started playing video games. He's been talking to me on and off about the game he's playing, which is good ,and joking around a lot. I'm just cooking, and really trying to stay out of his way. It's weird that we try to avoid each other like this, but at the same time I think it's pretty healthy given what we've just been through. I just hope he will see all of this as as positive as I do. I know we haven't had a meaningful conversation in awhile, but I'm loving the growing comfort.
Will probably post later...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Though we were supposed to hang out this evening, we haven't. H has been playing video games for a few hours, and I have been upstairs watching TV and being online. I absolutely don't mind this even one bit, am only concerned this will be wheeled out later as the old we're just like comfortable old friends nonsense.
He has called me down a few times to look at things he's doing in his game, and I've brought him dinner etc. This is what I would have done pre-bomb. I have always cooked and brought him the food. To me everything is going really well. I just always fear "the talks". Also H's sister sent me a message on FB today, just saying "Hi Sis I love you very much." I will write back with a similar message, am sure she knows what's going on even though her and H barely talk. I'm sure MIL would have told her. I do like that his family likes me so much...
Anyway I think I am going to head to bed early to further avoid the possibility of R talk and to be honest because I am so exhausted that I feel sick. I am just telling H that I'm coming down with a cold, which I actually am...
Weird thing is that the reason I was going to be here through Monday originally is that H was going on a business trip on Monday for a few days. I have heard nothing of said trip yet. My guess is that he is not going now. Although unlikely, it's still possible that nothing at all will be said this whole weekend. If we pass Monday with nothing being said, then this will be very interesting and completely change the playing field...Yesterday there was a reference to my friend going on honeymoon, but no direct talk of the exact dates. crossing my fingers that he will let this go for awhile. She is actually going mid-November, so about 1 month from now.
Alright, am off to engage in some direct avoidance for awhile...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Last night, nothing happened...no ML, no chatting, nothing. It's freaking me out a bit to be honest as H has these weird ideas in his head. He says that we never talked about anything, yet I need to give him space so am not trying to talk to him about anything personal. He has said recently that he is not sure about the dynamic between us, but he is not making any visible efforts. He does not touch me, and hasn't said one complimentary thing to me since I've been here. We have not spent any real time together, beyond in the bed, where he is usually reading and I am trying to sleep.
As I mentioned before, tomorrow H is potentially going on a business trip, but I have heard nothing about it, so this is limbo as well. I am not going to bring it up though, and see what happens.
Now I don't know if I should ask H to spend time with me today or not as one of our big issues in the past was what we did with our free time and me being controlling. However as he sees things now, there is no interaction. I feel sort of trapped like I am not sure which direction is the right one to take. I just long for a GOOD R talk, but he knows how I feel. I made this abundantly clear on Tuesday. I just feel like I have been being judged all weekend.
Anyway hoping today will be a nice calm day. I may try to find something to take me out of the house for awhile again, but what I really want is some nice, light and fun time with my H.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Let me start by saying that I am EXTREMELY grateful to be in the house with H even if everything is up in the air. I realize how lucky I really am right now.
The issue today though is that he is acting like he can't stand to be around me. This means that today would NOT be a good day for an R talk.
I have remained outwardly positive, even cheerful, but I am quite confused.
When I woke up this morning I went to do some exercise on the equipment we have set up in the back shed. When I came back in, H was upstairs and called me up. That was good, and we chatted briefly for a moment. I did say something that maybe I shouldn't have though. I said I was going to town, did he want anything, and he asked for a latte. I said I needed a kiss on the cheek for that, and he seemed really annoyed. I said that I didn't have leprosy and wasn't scary. I felt an R talk looming, so I headed out. I got back, brought him his latte, and decided to leave to go to Starbucks and do some work (where I am now). He asked where I was going, and I just said to Starbucks to work, then said if he wanted to hang out later to let me know, but if not that was fine too. Then I kissed him on the cheek and left.
Getting frustrated as I feel like he's not giving things much of a chance. I have been a bit pushy on those cheek kisses, but nothing else. I have not been following him around the house, or asking him anything. The only attention I've paid to him is to make dinner, and then to show interest in his video game, which he generally seems to appreciate.
I am actively avoiding being in the house so that I can give him space, but am worried that I'm shooting myself in the foot by doing so as this may make him think the dynamic between us just isn't right.
I've been trying to act "as-if" he's happy to be around me, and we are working on things. This has kept me outwardly positive, but I am not sure if he sees this as me being in denial. The only way to know for sure is to ask, but I am not sure this is a good idea.
I need to be prepared for the fact that he will likely bring things up later, and I am not sure what my tactic will be. I know for DBing sake I need to validate, and I can handle that. However I truly think the best chance we have of making the M work is to make sure that I can stay in the house with him for as long as possible, so somehow I am going to need to go down that route. I just wish that he would talk to me more about what he would LIKE to see in the M, rather than just general complaints about things not feeling right. It feels like we are on the brink of something big and that I really need to take SOME action, but carefully and without pushing too much...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Still no R talk, but we're sitting on the couches (not next to each other) watching a movie. Someone had a pet rat, and I asked him would he like a pet rodent, and he said he already had one, meaning me, then added "as a roommate right now."
This threw me off, but I just stuck my tongue out and laughed...It's weird being called a roommate, first of all, but secondly I am wondering whether this means that he sees the sitch going on for longer. I had always said I was fine to start with being a roommate and friend...It's the oddest situation...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Wow ITH, I have been reading and it sounds all a bit difficult, you are clearly trying to stay out of his way... at least he is happy to watch a movie with you.
I cant believe how childish your H is ! I mean, fancy making a remark like that?? Wheres the respect!? And fancy saying you are his roommate.. oh, does he ML to his roommate does he !!?? Thats like a mate with extras or whatever that crass phrase is.
DB wise, I am not sure what you can do, or advise you to do. I would continue to refrain from physically touching him (like no kissing him on the cheek) unless he reaches out for you. The fact that you do keep doing this might be increasing his anxiety levels when in the same room as you... as he knows you are itching for some physical contact and may try some whenever you are around him. So I would stop doing it. Let him be comfortable around you.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm catching up with you. While I think it is good that you are back in the house I have to say that I am concerned with the way your h is treating you. The things you say that he says to you seem abusive to me. I know you say that some of the names are "pet names" but ouch. Doesn't that bother you somewhere inside? I know you are trying to make this work and stay positive and happy but sweetie this man is being rude to you and purposly trying to hurt you. I feel like he is taking advantage of the situation and you are letting him get away with it. I know DBing is kind of this way but it feels to me like it is getting out of hand. I don't really have much advice. I just want you to really keep your eyes open and pay very close attention to everything being said. Don't let him use you as a verbal punching bag to release his frustration on. That is abuse and in that case you need to get out. IMHO.
Sorry I cannot be more positive. I am happy for you in that you are home again and feeling more comfortable that you were in Poland but at what price? What about your self respect and dignity?
I agree with Ali though, no more pushing the physical contact. I wouldn't even ML with this man until he can talk nice to you. Even just in a basic, friendly way.
Just my opinion. I hope it doesn't upset you. I care about you and your wellbeing and don't want you to lose sight of taking care of your own mental health in the name of DBing.
Take care honey! I'll check in again soon. Please let me know if I am out of line.
