Imageer, It sounds like you are doing the right thing. I don't know if she is cycling or not--I haven't seen any of that in my H either. I think your best bet is just to let it slide off of you as much as possible and continue as you have been. I admire the strength you have shown!
I'm sorry, you've probably said something about this before, but have any papers been filed in your sitch? Just wondering.
Blessings and peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
At the beginning of the summer W and I were in the process of buying houses. I bought a place myself and W and OW bought a place together. At that time W decided that we needed a Sep. Agreement. When we were working on that W said something like "The next step will be to get a D done."
I later found out that the Sep. Agreement wasn't her idea. The mortgage company told her that she had to have one because she was buying a house with someone other than me.
Since then she has not mentioned a D at all.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
I haven't heard from W since Saturday night. I've been thinking about her actions lately and I have come to the conclusion that I'm trying to rationalize the irrational. She smiles and laughs when we are together, She acts like life is great but then she calls me and tells me how stressed she is. She doesn't call me as much since she lost her job but our conversations are better than ever (post bomb) then she tells me the pumpkin pie thing. There doesn't seem to be a clear consistency to her. There probably isn't a clear consistency in her mind either.
On the other hand I think I finally figured out how she is changing. She is actually slowly becoming the person she was 5 or 6 years ago. This is a good thing. She is laughing at the jokes that she use to find funny rather than trying to be straight faced and cool. She is becoming light hearted again. She is showing more interest in the kids again.
I have said as long as I have been here that our communication has been good but I can see how it is much better now that it has been in almost 2 years.
I just have to keep being patient.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
On the other hand I think I finally figured out how she is changing. She is actually slowly becoming the person she was 5 or 6 years ago. This is a good thing. She is laughing at the jokes that she use to find funny rather than trying to be straight faced and cool. She is becoming light hearted again. She is showing more interest in the kids again.
I have said as long as I have been here that our communication has been good but I can see how it is much better now that it has been in almost 2 years.
This sounds positive. I hope her job loss makes her do some serious thinking about your M.
I can understand why InlikeFlynn would think that maybe a different strategy may help. Usually if something isn't working, it is a good idea to change it.
In your situation, you being friendly to your wife is real. It isn't a strategy, unless I am mistaken. If I made things rough on my W (and we know our situations are nearly identical including dealing with OW, personalities, etc), she would feel justified in her actions. It would push her further away. And how I am with my wife is really how I want to be whether she comes back or not.
I will never regret loving her unconditionally. She really needs it since she has never received unconditional love from a person before (other than our children).
Tough love can work in some situations or making the person fail on their own. In my case, I am there for my wife as a friend only. I do not help her financially. I can't. I am taking care of our 3 children.
What was lost between my W and myself was our friendship. And, if she is right, that we were never that close of friends, then I hope we can be again.
I hope I did not offend InLikeFlynn as I think that was a good suggestion of someone who wants to see your marriage restored. My opinion is that slow and careful (or gentle and loving) wins the race. Plus I want a sincere representation of who I am and not doing any special thing to get my wife to return that will only be a temporary fix or return. If she comes home, I want it to be her deciding because we are a family.
This MLC thing, if this is what it is, takes a long time to overcome. Patience is critical. Reviewing what you are doing is smart but doesn't necessarily mean you should change it if you don't see immediate results.
Besides MLC, our Ws have something far worse that they are dealing with and it will be very challenging finding away to drastically change how they see themselves yet again and hopefully to a healthy state.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Went to D6's dance class with W today. She was back to being more cold again. She was friendly but more business like. Less joking and laughing than she has lately. Although she also did look somewhat stressed too.
I was thinking about it and she hardly sees any of her old friends anymore. Most of the people she seems to be friends with are OW's friends. Although I think she still sees her bad friend now and then. I also don't think that OW has met any of her family. Is this an acceptance thing?
I also get the impression often that W and OW live together but they live separate lives for the most part. I don't know if this is actually true but that is the way it seems from little things that I pick up now and then.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Imageer, I know it is tough when she is warm toward you and then cold really hurts. Remember to stay consistent. Even if you don't do it for her or for you, do it for the kids.
As far as what your wife is doing and her relationships, the best thing you can be is her one true friend. A true friend is someone another person can count on no matter how terrible they have been a friend in return.
It will be worth it.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
MMF you didn't offend....It is just frustrating to watch his wife cake-eat enjoying both her OW and Husband but for different things. I backed-off when I realised that if he took my suggestion and became more pro-active and less accomodating to this situation, that it could actually backfire and it would be worse for him. This female on female relationship is a different nut all together. I do think that one is in danger of making it seem to the kids that daddy is OK with this relationship. So far it appears everything has worked out for his wife...she has OW for housing, sex, and emotional needs and her husband for co-parenting. That is never good. He was hoping that his wife would be a financial drain on OW and then kick her out....but that hasn't happened. I am curious if anything has changed in her relationship with the OW that is giving him hope that his current approach is working. Just based on reading his posts....and thats all we have to work with...it doesn't appear any different today. She seems in no hurry to divorce...maybe for insurance reasons or the kids but there is a legal separation.
MMF, Thanks. I didn't really feel hurt by W being a little more cold today. I know I didn't do anything wrong so whatever she is feeling is coming from her world, not me.
ILF, I guess you could say my W is cake eating but I don't know that I agree or care. My W is an emotional mess. You can see it when you look at her when she is not talking as well as other times. I treat her the way I do because that's how I want to treat her, I don't know how else to treat her and mostly that is how I think she needs to be treated. This is about her, not me. She is very stressed and I think she is depressed. I work hard to me be in a position to take blame for how her life is going.
I don't measure success on a daily basis. That will only lead to failure. This takes time. I have complete faith that given the right amount of time, my W will come back. I think that since she lost her job we have taken a couple of steps in the right direction. Baby steps. However, the biggest step will be when her R ends with OW. I think that her losing her job is a step in the right direction there too.
I continue to be patient. (which sucks)
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
