What else can I do?

[Bagheera]

I think the idea of being a little forceful/seductive/masculine/confident is a fine one. However, if you're a man who's been conditioned to have absolute respect for a woman's rights regarding her own body, such an approach can strike you as bordering on rape. Some men, including myself at times (I'm struggling), are so afraid of ANY accusation of sexual misconduct that they wait for blatant signs of the woman's willingness or even for her to directly request sex.

The above statement would have described my thoughts on the matter perfectly about a year ago. I was always uber-considerate of my wife with regard to our sexual relationship...to the point that she had complete control over it and was never really seduced by me: more like, politely and somehwat timidly asked. In order for our own SSM recovery efforts to continue, my wife finally had to sit me down and explain how that approach was turning her off. She is a strong, independant woman by day, but by night she doesn't want to take the lead, she doesn't want to be in charge or in control --> that's my role: if I want to make love to my wife frequently I need to romance her during the day, seduce her by night, and occasionally just take her and ravish her against her initial resistance. In essence, in order to really turn her on and keep her coming back, I had to find my confidence, take the risk, and 'be the man.' And this tectonic shift in our sexual dynamic has opened up entire new vistas of mutual enjoyment and pleasure for the both of us.

From the woman's perspective (which I still struggle to 'grok'), and as DQ explained above, it is highly exciting and arousing to FEEL your husband's masculinity, strength, and yes, dominance in this aspect of your relationship. It also requires a very high degree of trust, especially on her part. BEFORE a woman can truly surrender to her man and enjoy doing so, she must FIRST feel respected, supported, cared for, and cherished by him -- a deep emotional bond must be there. That, to me, is the key difference between ravishing my wife (who willingly surrenders to me and loves it) and rape.

Some women send a guy mixed messages like "Be more sensitive to my needs" and 1 minute later "Why won't you just be more of a man?" Don't feel bad if you're confused a lot of the time. God knows, I am.

In today's world, the women are just as confused as the men. I personally think it's a case of the more modern, "thinking" centers of the brain desiring one thing (I want a man who always treats me as an equal; and is kind and considerate at all times, even in the bedroom), and the more primative, emotional / instinctive centers of the brain responding to and become aroused by a man who is strong, dominant, and masculine -- even when he contradicts her 'stated' desired traits. For example, from what I've read there are many strong feminist out there who secretly fantasize about some strong man who will simply 'take' her and to heck with her feminist views. Obviously, most will keep this fantasy bottled up and stick with men who meet their 'thinking' standards, but even today, those masculine 'bad boys' still have thier appeal to many.

Isn't being human fun?

-- B.