Yesterday my parents watched my daughter's swim meet and seemed to enjoy it. My dad is very frail and I was sitting behind him on the bleachers. My knees provided support for his back. I found I was at ease around him, not having the usual queasy underlying angry bitter buzz around me. I actually put my hands on his shoulder, sending comfort. I haven't willingly touched him my entire life. Today before I took him and my brother to the airport, I asked my brother to take a picture of the two of us, another first. My arm wrapped around his waist and my smile was big and sincere. I was at peace with my father.
What a wonderful feeling. Although his actions were appalling and terrible, I learned and was motivated to let it go. This is a silver lining to the emotional chaos going now.
I've spent my life being angry and negatively effected by the actions of a male who was supposed to protect me. When spouse left, it was a double whammy.. the first man I ever trusted was leaving and my father was at death's door simultaneously. It was horrendous. I knew I didn't want to repeat the same agony with losing my life partner.
Being able to forgive a father for his perversion should make it easier to let go of the anger and loss of a spouse selfishly leaving for his own reasons without giving me a say.
My dad mentioned how much it meant to him when I'd thanked both him and mom years ago for all they gave and how they were the absolute best parents they knew how to be. Many things they did were brilliant (like when I was in the car accident and the full body cast).. and he added, "especially after my history with you."
Spouse had written an email several days ago that I had not responded to because it's been so busy. Last night I received a follow up email saying that since I don't respond to emails, that I hung up on him and am manipulative and rude to not contact him or reply to the email.. that all communication will go through the lawyers or court system.
The last time we talked I said based on our inability to communicate effectively everything would have to be through the lawyers. What is truth is based on an individual's perspective. I know he feels he's absolutely correct on his take on things, just as I view many of his actions skeptically.
The funny thing.. sad thing.. is: After spending tens of thousands of dollars we'll end up with a settlement that will follow how the court would divide assets.
You can't tell him anything.. and I'm where I have to trust my lawyer implicitly.
Weird.
My mindset is that he and I were the best spouses we could be to and for each other based on our own baggage, strengths and flaws. The way we failed each other is so sad and the toll our children have to face is almost unforgivable. Letting go, finding the good in what has failed, learning and praying for him and forgiveness are all steps toward healing AND becoming a much better person in general.
It's neat to read of everyone finding interest and confidence in members of the opposite sex. I'm just not ready (especially while legally married) but know that you never know what is around the corner.
*hugs*
PS.. still no cadre of gentlemen to fill my harhim.. will have to get more involved to get used to talking to men again as a single/separated woman.
