Bbj, I thought you did good at your last exchange while he came unexpectedly but I want to point out to you that your previous posts sound alot to me like old Bbj, you know...back when we met.
I was trying to keep quiet but I must be honest with you.
Whinning, bitterness, anger, frustration... sound very familiar. And we know these have not worked out before.
I am not saying you are wrong to feel this way, I am saying that even if you dont think your expectations and frustration show, I am SURE, 100% sure Dan sees it and feels it. And it feels familiar to him also.
It is unfair and probably a lot to ask for, BUT you are not yet on the same page where you could express yourself freely and "demand" things and "punish" when he doesn't deliver... (although punish never is good-you know what I mean).
I know I may sound weird since everybody tells you to set boundaries, tough love etc. but I dont think it is time for that, YET!!
He is clearly stuck and cant see a way out. Dont make the "out option" better and easier for him. You know him and the kind of man he is better than anyone else, you love him, you have 2 kids together. Use your brains and give him some time. Act as if, do your 180s, ignore the bad attitude, reward the good, be his cheerleader (you know how that works), help him "untangle" his head.
You have been through a lot and you know how it feels to be appart. You feel he is worth the trouble. Dont go back to the old Bbj even if he seems at times to go back to old Dan. Instead of him affecting you, you should be the one affecting him.
Okay, maybe I'm just hyper critical but as I read your posts I am struck by the fact that you keep finding fault with yourself. I, for one, would love to have my wife kiss and hug me when she got into bed. Somehow I think I could manage with 30 minutes less sleep to be loved by the woman I love.
Just my take. Stay strong. Play the game by your rules. Listen to Kalni....
Woog, I would also be happily woken up by someone wanting to love on me....but obv. you and I and a lot of us on here are not like my H....that is why I am here!
I would love spending time together and would be willing to cut down on my other endeavors to spend more time with the one I love. I wouldn't give up everything, then you lose yourself, but I would be willing to compromise. Again, that's why I am here!
K, you are right, I am verging into old BBJ territory and I don't like it one bit. Time to put the car back on the road and move toward that happiness thing...
I do blame myself for some of our troubles, but I think that looking down from a birds-eye view, I have taken some steps slightly off course, where my H has (IMO) taken all kinds of exits and detours around our marriage. I think I need to do more growing and changing and get away from the side of me that nags/whines. I don't like that side, anyway...But H will need to practically re-invent the wheel at this point. His job will be/is harder than mine. And I am the one with the energy to "do work". So we will see...........
I don't know if your situation is really depressing or if you just portray it that way. I certainly get all depressed reading about these no-win situations.
They say that the married-singles lifestyle causes the problems in our marriages. And what I hear from you is all married-singles. He goes here and does this, then he goes there and does that, and I go here and do this, and then we fall into the bed at different times. You will graduate from Retrouvaille tomorrow, if the two of you can get from the places you are doing things separately to be there, which is in doubt.
But you and he don't seem to have gotten the hang of what they were saying at all. Because the two of you have not found a way to cut through the married-singles stuff and connect with each other. The family has to be a team, just one team, rooting for themselves. Not a divisive group of people glaring at each other. And you haven't gotten there yet.
I think you need to talk to your Retrouvaille advisors, and ask for their advice. I think he has said that he wants to save this marriage. But he, for whatever reason, doesn't stop the treadmill and get off. My suggestion is to go back to the books. Pull them out and dialogue. On a scale of one to ten, how important is our marriage to me. How do I feel about that? Or a question that you think will help you move forward. You are like shipwrecked sailors floating away from each other.
BBJ - I am sure you know already, but you have to let him be to wallow in his own mess he has created in his mind. The man needs some sort of serious therapy and hopefully they might convince him that some medication could help.
He does not know what is most important in his life and I think his job is ruling his every move.
You may have reverted back to some old BBJ habits of pushing him too much, but that is no excuse for him to go off on you like that.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must seem like a second bomb.
H said he didn't want to go to Retro, the people were annoying him and he couldn't handle it yesterday...asked me to go to Lunch in Lincoln instead, another 40 min. away...
So we drove together and talked and it was pretty comfortable. Then after we ate I asked, what next, cause my mom had the kids until6:30. He asked me to decided. I said lets go for a walk, he said no. I said ok then and listed several things including go to movies. He said what movie. I said Fireproof? He said, not today. But I will go to a movie. So we went to see Appaloosa. Very good movie but the lead female character is manipulative and betrays the lead guy at one point. SO I said to H "Maybe this movie was not a good choice" (B/C He often says women cannot be trusted). He said "No this movie shows the truth".
Anyway we moved on from that finished the movie. So we spend the day driving around together, going to eat and to a movie. All things I really enjoy. I was happy he was making an effort....
I stopped at my moms to get the kids. D had scratched my mom's eyeball, she had a 10% torn cornea! Mom had been to the ER and got shots in her eye, not good. I felt bad about it, stayed a bit to talk to her. Got home w/kids at 8:00.
Put S to bed at 8:15 and D wouldn't stay in bed. I kept singing to her, she kept getting up. H got madder and madder cause our plan was both kids in bed at 8:15. At 9:00 I was walking with D, she was crying, H took her from me, she got hysterical screaming for mommy. I went in the next room so she couldn't see me.
All of a sudden H started beating on the wall between us. I got up, he said FU I HATE YOU over and over. It was my fault she wasn't in bed, and that was that
