I may have missed something.... How is it YOUR fault she bought the farm?
I know you have heard this before but you need some me time lady...You are letting him affect your Mood / feelings and he is blaming you for his... Ya he says "It's not your fault it’s mine" but then gets mad at you.
Take it easy lady. One day at a time. I used to farm. There is no delaying some things. There is allotting of no adjustment times... Cows need to be milked TWICE A DAY everyday... you can't say "well I will just milk them tomorrow. As for Plowing, Combining... there is also time limits. The weather waits for no body. Harvesting one day late can affect the sugars in Corn making a fantastic crop into an ok one... But enough about Farming... Do you think your husband really thinks you would leave? You would give up on your M? Maybe like me you have been saying you will or would but like me telling my wife daily I love her and giving her UN returned affection is not the actions of someone willing to leave. Don’t get me wrong. Your husband going to Reto is proof that he is concerned and willing. My wife too went to Reto. She too has made some effort in mending our R... but I think my actions made her feel she has all the time in the world to "decide" what she wants. I know it's hard but ya need to try to act AND BE "as if"... And yes no mater what we do our kids know.
Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
He has told me that he has a real, intense need for sleep. That he is "off" if he does not get his rest. I used to bristle at that b/c in the past he had no problem staying out all hours w/ow when he had to work the next day. But one day a couple months ago, he said that it had been wrong to do that w/ow and he knew that now...
Anyway, he complains that he goes to bed, then I go wash my face, brush my teeth, etc. and don't go to bed until 30 minutes after him. I kiss him goodnight or whatever and it 'wakes him up' and then he can't sleep the rest of the night.......
His specific complaints yesterday were that 1)I bother him when he is trying to sleep: He said he was late to work 3 morning this week and implied it was b/c I somehow caused him to toss and turn and finally sleep hard when he was supposed to be waking up. I am thinking personal accountability comes in to play, he needs to be responsible for getting to work on time, not me. However, I can choose to hug/kiss him when he gets up to go to bed, not when I get to bed. Or I can choose to get ready for bed as soon as I put the kids to bed, so that when he goes to bed, if I want to go with him, I am ready.
2)I resent his working on the farm/cows: We have a lot of history on this one. I have been non-supportive, judgemental, critical, etc. I had a wakeup call last January and since then I have been supportive on the financial side of things, trusting him to make those decisions/judgements. And there have been MANY times since he moved back home where he said he needed to farm, and I encouraged him to go, even if just for a couple of hours after work. And (I mentioned it on here before) he HAS been appreciative of that, and thanked me for it, in recent months.
I guess I have been more resentful lately b/c I see all of the "us" things we could be doing (dinners, dialoguing, hanging out after the kids go to bed), but H is out of the country quite frequently, and when he is home, he is often at the farm. My fear I guess is that I continue to support him going out to the farm, and in return I get a husband who is gone to the farm every night. Once the kids are older that will be okay. For example, last night I said I would enjoy going out and riding along in the combine with him. This is an area where I was improving over the summer but have been lacking in the Fall. I guess I am wanting some evidence that he wants to spend a little time with me in addition to his farming/cattle/other choices of how to spend his time.
If I were to leave H alone while he is sleeping, and encourage/support H going to the farm whenever he wants for as long as he wants/needs, he would feel loved. So he says. I guess my worry is that I will be 'leaving him alone' all the time which just leaves me....well...alone. I am thinking maybe I try out an experiment. Be supportive of his sleep needs and farm needs 100% for two to three weeks. (Harvest is usually over by thanksgiving anyway.) No complaining, nagging, etc. And just observe what affect, if any, it has on our time when we ARE together.
Thoughts?
(I just don't want to be little miss doormat in this equation)
Here is how it is my fault SHE bought the farm (through h's eyes), and flows into the A and how we got here:
1)H's grandmother died 12/06. It was totally unexpected. She had a heart attack while in the hospital. H had taken the day off, and invited his dad to go with him to a cattle sale taht was an hour away from the hospital. So, H and his dad (it was his dad's mom who died) were en route from the sale when she died and were not there when it happened. (I THINK A BIG GUILT FACTOR FOR H, HE INVITED HIS DAD TO THE SALE AND THEN HIS DAD WASN'T THERE WHEN G-MA DIED)
2)H's parents struggle with H's aunt/uncle over the farm. H's parents have lived on the family farm their entire married lives (40+ yrs). They didn't even own their original home where H grew up, they rented it AND the land from the grandparents. When H's grandpa died in 1999, H's parents moved to the grandparent's house a year later and grandma moved to town, since she couldn't drive it was easier for her. H's parents did get grandma to sell them the grandparents' house, and some acres around it, so they would for sure not lose that when grandma died.
When g-ma died, the sister and brother of H's dad wanted their $$. Neither had spend a day working on the farm since they left home after high school, and didn't care a bit about the farm. They wanted their money at market value, what the real estate developers would give them for a nice rural piece of land to stick a bunch of 1 acre lots on...There were a few ugly months where H thought they may lose everything but the house and few acres....H cut off his aunt and uncle and hasn't spoken to them since.
I became a bad buy b/c I was honest and said as much as it sucked, I didn't think they could do much legally, that the other two siblings were entitled to their share of the inheritance. (OF COURSE in hindsight this was a betrayal to H even if it were true) Ultimately Dan stepped into the negotiations between his parents and aunt/uncle, which made him feel frustrated at his dad that he couldn't stick up for the farm on his own. They sold off some side properties, cashed in some stocks, and minimized how much farm they had to sell off.
3)H's parents agree to sell the smaller farm. A few months after this, they were still needing to get more $$ to aunt/uncle. Jenny (friend) had been renting the old house where H grew up for about 4 years. She was using the garden, had chickens, etc. When they put the farm site up naturally she wanted it. Dan wanted it to. She was 39, with no husband or kids, and a lifetime of savings. H had 2 kids, a $1700/mo mortgage, a cattle business, etc. I didn't see how we could extend our credit anymore to get a farm that would be over $100K easily. Even if his parents were "easy" on us. Dan took that as the ultimate betrayal. I eventually backpedaled and said he should look into whether we could get the loan, but he said no. I had earlier said if he wanted to buy it, he could quit the job in K.C. and we could move back home, I could teach in town like i am now and he could find a job in Omaha, which he is doing now. At that point he didn't want to leave, give up the high-paying job he had and possibly leave OW, don't know if she was in the picture yet or not. But to me this is the pivot point in our M, when H's parent's sold his dream out from under him. And I was the one who doubted we could have made it work...
4)H starts (without my knowing it) reviewing how being w/me led him to this crappy point of his life. At this point H is sliding into depression/MidLifeCrisis because he had always been working to "get back to the farm", in his mind. Now the part of the farm he wanted to own was gone. There were other parts left, but not the part he built his dreams around. He thought back to how he got there. That is where I come in. *If he hadn't had to drive so far to see me in college, he could have done better at Livestock Judging *If he had done better at Livestock Judging, he could have gotten a better offer into grad school, to become a Professor/Livestock Judging Coach, or a Large Animal Vet *If he hadn't proposed to me, he could have gone to grad school/vet school instead of HAVING (in his head) to go and get a real job to provide for us. (Obv. I would have done the "poor marrieds" thing to get through grad school but that is irrelevant, he sees it how HE sees it)
H concludes that his life/goals started to unravel when he became involved with me.
5)H finds a confidante. By now it is Spring 20067. Some months have passed since Gma died, the farm is in the midst of being sold, he is in the midst of blaming me for everything.
I needto get some things done. WHen I get home I will read the above and commint on the post before that one. when reading about how YOU Keep your H awake and stuff made me think you were talking about my wife....
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
My husband's sleep time was his pet peeve too. He goes to sleep at about ten, and I am up until at least 2. Our house has all tile floors, so sound is very loud in here. I used to watch tv with him until he fell asleep, and then go out of the bedroom and do other things. But I would leave the bedroom door open because I don't like walking into a room with a closed door. Then the dogs would bark, or my son would talk loudly, and H would wake up and slam the door hard.
So I had to start showing that I cared about his sleep. I always shut the bedroom door now. And luckily, my son has started to go to bed earlier too. So it's just me on the computer at night, which is pretty quiet. Anyway, as long as I seem to care that his sleep not be disturbed, we get along alright.
So H showed up unexpectedly, and I cut out of the post without finishing. Thought I closedout the window. But just came down and it was still here, so I hope H didn't read it!
Nothing I can do about it now...picking up where i left off...
5)H finds a confidante. By now it is Spring 2007. Some months have passed since Gma died, the farm is in the midst of being sold, he is in the midst of blaming me for everything. H has apparently found someone at work who is going through a struggle in her marriage. She is fun and outgoing, I liked her the minute I first met her b/c she reminded me of the original version of me, before 8 moves and 2 kids...She is probably around 26, 5 years younger than me.
They go to lunch together, commiserate about work, about their marriages--I don't know this at the time but find out later. He tells her his pain about losing the farm, she is of course understanding and supportive of his every move. Of course, her life and money are not involved so it is easy to be supportive. The more H is w/her, the more I think he has to remind himself of "all the pain/misery" I have caused him, so he continues to think about all the "What if's " his life would have without me...Makes it easier to enjoy someone who is no pressure, no duty, no conflict, etc...One night when they are out with a group from work, they both seem to stay later than everyone else, it just sort of "happened", he walker her to her car, they kissed, etc. etc.
Now I am in the fight of my life for my marriage, but my silent competition is H's brain. He is still hung up on what "I" did to his life, even though he knows in some ways it is not rational. I mentioned yesterday that at Retro they teach forgiveness is a choice. H responded, "But I CAN'T"..........
H was here for almost an hour. He came in unexpectedly, went upstairs and down, in and out of the garage, without a word. Came upstairs a couple minutes later, he had the combine manual out and was reading it...H sat w/the kids and watched Sleeping Beauty for a while, played around w/S, flipped through the manual. Then he sat on the stairs (we have a split-level) for 30 minutes. I was doing laundry/packing for our trip to sister's, so I was stepping over him several times. I would pat him or something as I went by, and he would squeeze my arm and hold it. Once as I went by I patted his hand, he grabbed my hand, held it tightly, rubbed it with his other hand. His eyes were teared up. We sat that way for about a minute and I said something about laundry...he said go ahead, keep working, I don't want to stop you. But he didn't let go of my hand. So I squeezed it and hugged him and then got back to work. We had almost a dozen hugs/hand squeezes/cheek or neck kisses, he looked sad the whole time. I mostly kept going about my business, cleaning the kitchen, talking to the kids, etc.
He kept staring at me, whatever I was doing, just looking at me with those sad, haunted eyes. As he stood up to leave, he said, "I am not doing well today". I said, "Overwhelmed?" He said, "That would be an understatement." I said, "Thinking about what you want to do, or not do?" He said, "Both". Then he asked me when I was coming back on Sunday. I said, "I was planning to come back early so we could go to Retro, otherwise I'll stay at my sisters longer. What do you want to do?" He said he didn't know.....I said I love him and am 100% committed to making this work. He said he knew that. Then he headed off to farm...
It feels more like it did when we were separated and he would come to visit. He would hold me, touch me, look longingly at me, but then he would leave....I think he realizes how much he stands to lose, watching me and the kids playing and just having a typical Saturday morning, something he won't be able to share with us in the future if he chooses to leave. If I could read his mind, he wants to stay and make it work but doesn't know how, he sees the future stretching out in front of him filled with conflict and stress if he stays with me, filled with sadness and regret if he leaves me. Neither is a desirable option...And I can never make him see that we could grow strong and happy together if he is unable to see it himself...
BBJ, I think you got a good grasp on what he is/was thinking and feeling. H needs to re-evaluate some of his thinking. Your patience is being tested so take care of yourself. Cookie gave me some good advice and told me to learn to fill up my own "love buckets." Not easy but better than being frustrated and tense. This phase won't last forever, you can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
BBJ, I think you got a good grasp on what he is/was thinking and feeling. H needs to re-evaluate some of his thinking. Your patience is being tested so take care of yourself. Cookie gave me some good advice and told me to learn to fill up my own "love buckets." Not easy but better than being frustrated and tense. This phase won't last forever, you can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
