H was here for almost an hour. He came in unexpectedly, went upstairs and down, in and out of the garage, without a word. Came upstairs a couple minutes later, he had the combine manual out and was reading it...H sat w/the kids and watched Sleeping Beauty for a while, played around w/S, flipped through the manual. Then he sat on the stairs (we have a split-level) for 30 minutes. I was doing laundry/packing for our trip to sister's, so I was stepping over him several times. I would pat him or something as I went by, and he would squeeze my arm and hold it. Once as I went by I patted his hand, he grabbed my hand, held it tightly, rubbed it with his other hand. His eyes were teared up. We sat that way for about a minute and I said something about laundry...he said go ahead, keep working, I don't want to stop you. But he didn't let go of my hand. So I squeezed it and hugged him and then got back to work. We had almost a dozen hugs/hand squeezes/cheek or neck kisses, he looked sad the whole time. I mostly kept going about my business, cleaning the kitchen, talking to the kids, etc.
He kept staring at me, whatever I was doing, just looking at me with those sad, haunted eyes. As he stood up to leave, he said, "I am not doing well today". I said, "Overwhelmed?" He said, "That would be an understatement." I said, "Thinking about what you want to do, or not do?" He said, "Both". Then he asked me when I was coming back on Sunday. I said, "I was planning to come back early so we could go to Retro, otherwise I'll stay at my sisters longer. What do you want to do?" He said he didn't know.....I said I love him and am 100% committed to making this work. He said he knew that. Then he headed off to farm...
It feels more like it did when we were separated and he would come to visit. He would hold me, touch me, look longingly at me, but then he would leave....I think he realizes how much he stands to lose, watching me and the kids playing and just having a typical Saturday morning, something he won't be able to share with us in the future if he chooses to leave. If I could read his mind, he wants to stay and make it work but doesn't know how, he sees the future stretching out in front of him filled with conflict and stress if he stays with me, filled with sadness and regret if he leaves me. Neither is a desirable option...And I can never make him see that we could grow strong and happy together if he is unable to see it himself...
